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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting to hate being motherhood

82 replies

ivise · 04/03/2026 14:55

Hello.
who else feels like they been sold a lie about being a mum?
well in my early 30s I have realised that this is definitely not for everyone and only small percentage can do it how it should be .
I have a 6 year old daughter who I love but also realising that I am struggling to connect with her due to me actually hating the motherhood.
I wish that I was more educated about what this life will be prior to getting pregnant at 27. That bringing child not in your birth country will make you isolated , not having village is going to drive you insane and deprive of things . Not being financially on the rich side will make you feel like failure . Struggling to cope with your emotions let alone kids . Not being able just to get up and leave this miserable relationship with your baby dad will make you crazy . Let’s not even start school run, school birthdays .
I am definitely one and done mum but if I knew all this prior I probably be kid free .
I am definitely will be discussing this with my daughter , tell her reality of this . I wish I knew all this .

OP posts:
Criscross · 04/03/2026 14:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Damnd · 04/03/2026 14:57

People do tell you the reality but nobody listens

Peonies12 · 04/03/2026 15:00

It's hard to share the reality until you experience it. Please don't make your daughter feel unwanted by being too honest about how you feel. It sounds like your relationship is the main issue here, does your partner do their fair share of parenting and household tasks?

Pyjamatimenow · 04/03/2026 15:00

It is very hard and I also have little in the way of support but the love ( for me anyway) is worth it. I certainly wouldn’t advise my daughters that motherhood is a bad idea. What I would say is that it’s a good idea to have certain things in place and make life choices that that make caring for a child easier without running yourself into the ground

faerylights · 04/03/2026 15:00

Damnd · 04/03/2026 14:57

People do tell you the reality but nobody listens

But they also tell you that the "love you have for your children makes it all worthwhile" which is quite clearly bollocks for many people, lol.

I don't have DC as it sounds horrific to me - absolutely nothing about being a parent looks even remotely appealing 😂

Original poster
ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

OP posts:
Haemagoblin · 04/03/2026 15:03

I am definitely will be discussing this with my daughter , tell her reality of this . I wish I knew all this .

I would really advocate that you refrain from telling your daughter how much you hate motherhood and how having her has ruined your life. For god's sake. You are her mum, it is no longer all about you.

Haemagoblin · 04/03/2026 15:04

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

I'm sorry but how did you not know this? It is all absolutely entirely obvious and well known.

Jellybunny56 · 04/03/2026 15:04

I’m not sure the advice or lesson to take from your experience is to not have children at all OP, but more so that it’s important to have children with the right person, a good partner, once you are financially stable, with a support system around you whether that be family or friends etc. Having children was never meant to be a one person job and that’s why it feels so difficult.

faerylights · 04/03/2026 15:04

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

But surely you were aware of all that before you chose to have a child?

Jellybunny56 · 04/03/2026 15:11

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

I don’t understand all of your points here.

  • Body changes- yeah, it grew a whole human, that does cause changes. I don’t know how that came as a surprise? BUT change isn’t bad, I actually think knowing my body grew and fed two babies made me appreciate my body far more than I did beforehand.
  • Health will decline after birth- does it? I don’t think that’s a blanket rule. I’ve had 2 babies, youngest is 4 months old, my health is arguably better than it was before having children. I run, I weight train, I eat healthy, my health certainly hasn’t been damaged by pregnancy and birth.
  • Won’t be able to get “time off”, as I said in my last post, children have two parents. I still get to go for a run, gym class, evening meal out, night away etc. My husband is just as much their parent as I am, we both get time off to ourselves.
Devilsmommy · 04/03/2026 15:15

Damnd · 04/03/2026 14:57

People do tell you the reality but nobody listens

I agree with this but also it's a hard thing to explain in a way. The sheer relentless tedium when they're babies is hard to articulate. And I imagine if you're not a touchy feely person then it would be worse in a way because babies and toddlers just want you so much all the time. Until you've gone through it, no amount of explaining is going to be properly understood

JasmineMac · 04/03/2026 15:50

The early years can be incredibly tough. I struggled through periods of it, however things DID get so much better once my daughter was high school age. She's almost 16 now, and she's the sunshine of my life.

Go gently on yourself @ivise. It does get much, much easier once they're more independent.

Endofyear · 04/03/2026 15:57

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

You didn't think that having a tiny helpless person totally dependent on you for years would curtail your freedom? At 27 you were old enough to approach parenthood with clear eyes - it's hard, tiring and your priorities have to change. But it does get easier and you do get more freedom as they get older. I don't think most people feel as you do - most find it hard at times but the fierce protective all-encompassing love for your children is what makes life worthwhile for a lot of people. I certainly couldn't and wouldn't want to imagine a life without my children, they are all adults now and my favourite people to spend time with.

Swiftie1878 · 04/03/2026 16:02

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

If you didn’t realise all this, you were very negligent before having a child.
Please don’t burden your daughter with your selfish regrets - she didn’t choose you as her mother, but you are the one she has, so do your best to make her feel wanted and loved and NOT someone you wish had never been born.

Naws · 04/03/2026 16:05

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

You couldn't have worked this out for youself?

Seriously?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2026 16:05

She’s here now, she didn’t ask to be born and you owe it to her to try and connect with her properly rather than resent her existence.

If your bad relationship is a big part of your misery then leave him. Can you stay in the country if you’re not with him? Does he like being a dad? You could split up then have 50/50 with him or you could see if he’d want her more and you could be a weekend mum and enjoy your freedom the rest of the time.

You could be like my friend’s mum and regularly remind her children that they’ve ruined her life, her body, stolen her freedom and her future, that they should never have kids. But my friend is extremely damaged by that so it’s not a good idea.

NeedAdvice6432 · 04/03/2026 16:07

Lots of people told you, but none of us listen. I' also an immigrant and I relate to the feeling of wow, I can never leave the UK now, and I have zero day to day support.

But the child is here. She's 6. It sounds like you have some massive life problems which you CAN sort. You need to make some positive changes to be happier and be a better mum.

You can exercise and diet. You can find a reliable babysitter. Leave the relationship.

Original poster
ivise · 04/03/2026 16:16

@NeedAdvice6432 how do deal with idea that your child will grow up without any relatives around and support? I am struggling with that idea and can’t see any positives . Every weekend is the same just me and her and her dad . Plus if you are not a happy family is even worse

OP posts:
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 04/03/2026 16:17

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

Surely most of this is obvious though is it not?

Your body will not be quite the same after birth as it was before, you won't have as much free time, your freedom is gone. Why did you think it would be any different? Babies and raising children takes time, effort and commitment so of course your life will not be the same as it was and your own time will be less.

However saying all that, with the right support there is no reason why you can't find time to get your body back to a better place afterwards. With some time and effort its possible. When I had both mine I still went running, trained and ran half marathons and marathons.

And there is also still a life to be had outside of children I went out regularly with my DH and friends and my DH and I had family time and also our own time to do our own things while the other stayed with the kids. Its all about balance.

So it IS possible but only if you have the support of your partner and family.

I suspect from your post that you have neither?

GreenAppleAndALilSalt · 04/03/2026 16:19

ivise · 04/03/2026 15:02

I don’t think it’s good . I see far more benefits being without kid . More selfish reasons are that nobody told me that my body will change , your health will decline after birth . You won’t be able to just get time off when you want or change your place whenever you want . Basically your freedom is gone

The thing is, you can completely flip this and see this from a different perspective. My son is 3 months old, and when I look at the future now I feel so optimistic and happy and excited about doing things with him, and seeing him experience the world. I’ve just been buying him his little summer outfits on Vinted, and browsing all the cute dungarees and tiny sun hats is just making me feel so happy thinking about being on the beach with him this summer.

We went swimming earlier together, and it was just so magical watching him experience the water. So actually, in a way, I think I feel more free than I did before having him: I feel a lot more positive and full of enthusiasm for the future, and like opportunities are endless.

Meadowfinch · 04/03/2026 16:19

Don't tell your dd you hated being her mum. How hurtful would that be !!

I waited until I was in my 40s to have ds, which was definitely a good move for me. I was mature, happy in my skin, resourceful and had a good support network.

I coped despite it being just ds and me. 😊

Original poster
ivise · 04/03/2026 16:23

Everyone is concentrating on my selfish reasons . They are not my main reason . I wrote post above on how I feel .
and yes I will be telling my daughter what real motherhood looks like not that I hate being her mum

OP posts:
NeedAdvice6432 · 04/03/2026 16:24

ivise · 04/03/2026 16:16

@NeedAdvice6432 how do deal with idea that your child will grow up without any relatives around and support? I am struggling with that idea and can’t see any positives . Every weekend is the same just me and her and her dad . Plus if you are not a happy family is even worse

You build relationships here. Not just playdates, but you need to build your own network of friendships. I invest a lot of time in my friends here.

A child does not need cousins and uncles around. I am actually from a small family, I didn't have any of these around anyway.

And lots of people in the UK have moved away for work to the big cities and have zero support or family nearby.

tirednessbecomesme · 04/03/2026 16:24

I don’t think any of this is new news though is it? You chose to have a child with this man - in the financial position you are in - in the location you are in with limited family support.