Starting to hate being motherhood

[ivise]

Hello.
who else feels like they been sold a lie about being a mum?
well in my early 30s I have realised that this is definitely not for everyone and only small percentage can do it how it should be .
I have a 6 year old daughter who I love but also realising that I am struggling to connect with her due to me actually hating the motherhood.
I wish that I was more educated about what this life will be prior to getting pregnant at 27. That bringing child not in your birth country will make you isolated , not having village is going to drive you insane and deprive of things . Not being financially on the rich side will make you feel like failure . Struggling to cope with your emotions let alone kids . Not being able just to get up and leave this miserable relationship with your baby dad will make you crazy . Let’s not even start school run, school birthdays .
I am definitely one and done mum but if I knew all this prior I probably be kid free .
I am definitely will be discussing this with my daughter , tell her reality of this . I wish I knew all this .

You are three months in. Your hormones are at that stage you are crazy in love with your baby.
Don’t compare your situation with the OPs. You’ve ran the first minute of a long marathon so all is yet to happen even if you think you already know most about motherhood. The tiny baby stage is a doddle but people only realise later.

I don’t think people need to explain a lot of these realities because it should be fairly obvious… Not having the freedom to walk out of the door and go wherever you want is obvious. Your body changing after pregnancy is also pretty obvious.

Nobody can prepare you for how exhausting it is for the first maybe 2-3 years depending on the child but it does get easier thereafter for most. I mean, you also expect it will be tiring but you don’t know quite how tiring nor how you’ll cope until you’re in the thick of it.

I don’t recognise this at all. I moved to another country as a young adult, met my partner and had children so I have never had my family around. My partner isn’t close to his family so we don’t have much family support here at all. Despite this, I love being a mum. My partner is a great dad though and we waited til we were doing well financially before having children as it seemed like the sensible thing to do. My body isn’t much different to pre pregnancy as I keep fit and I’m healthy. Obviously I’m older! All of my friends have enjoyed motherhood too. Obviously there are difficult times, but for me, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

You sound like you could benefit from some therapy. Your relationship with your own mum could be causing issues and you sound unhappy in your relationship. You need to change something as how you feel now is no way to live.

Well my children are young adults and teens. I loved the baby stage like the pp and I have continued to enjoy motherhood.

It’s difficult because we all have different experiences. For some, the sacrifices don’t really feel like sacrifices, while for others they can feel absolutely crushing. Nobody can predict how they’ll feel about motherhood and they certainly can’t predict how someone else would feel.

I’ve raised my kids without family around, and it is hard. I took them back to my home country when I could.
Look, she’s old enough that you can plan things with her at the weekends. Try and focus on having fun with her.
Maybe concentrate on building your community so your life has some variety.

I mean in a general sense but where does this idea we have been lied too come from?

I wasn't living under a rock before I had a child i knew each parent had different experiences

But some there is good bits and maybe not as good bits like i presume most people have

Oh god you poor thing, OP. This does explain something of how you’re feeling now. I wish I had some good advice. Try reading Philippa Perry ‘the book you wish your parents had read’. It might give you a bit of insight. Can you return to your home country? Even if your relationship with your mum sounds pretty sad, do you have other supportive relatives?

I'm sorry your mum was so cold to you, OP. I'm sorry she abandoned youxwhen you were a child. I think this is probably the cause of the depression you are in now. You deserve to be happier and your daughter needs you to be happier. You need to treat your depression. Please see a doctor and a therapist. You are worth it. You need to fight for your mental health. Good luck.

You’re right, @ivise , the harsh grind of motherhood is not obvious until you are in it. Beforehand you think, I will be the same person as now, just with a baby who I will love, and I will manage all of the changes to my life just fine.

There is no way for you to say what you want to say to your daughter without her hearing ‘my mum doesn’t love me and she wishes she had never had me.’ Do not do this. It is not for her sake, it is for yours because you are in such distress. It is cruel. I do not think a child ever gets over that.

You need to talk about this, because you are suffering. But not to your daughter. This is for you as an adult to find help with, not to make yourself feel better by thinking ‘at least I am saving my daughter from this horrible fate by telling her the truth.’

I really feel for you.

And for what it is worth, my own experience is that it does get easier - and even a pleasure - as they get older. It will not be this bleak forever.

You sound quite depressed OP which is not surprising as you are in an unhappy relationship. Why can’t you leave him?

Maybe you would have disliked being a mum regardless of your situation, but you’re making it sound like parents are unhappy in general which isn’t my experience at all.

I was happy with my life before children but having children definitely made it better. Our kids are older teens and adults now and we have loved our experience of raising them. It’s fairly obvious that having good people around you, a good partner, being financially secure etc all make it easier. Health doesn’t generally decline just because you have had children. You sound really down and that seems to be making you spiral and think everyone else hates being a parent. They don’t.

You should speak to your GP about possibly being depressed, getting some therapy to unpick the issues with your mum and put plans in place for leaving your partner.

I ask this kindly, OP. Did you have PND? Untreated, it can linger and be utterly brutal (walking proof here). I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there someone you can talk to in person? Maybe a chat with GP?

I was an older first time mum than you, very involved with nieces and nephews and honestly thought I’d be fine—would be great at it, actually. It shook me to the very core, physically and mentally. My life beforehand was pretty fabulous. Cleaning up baby sick, standing on Lego and never-ending laundry are not. It’s ok to acknowledge that.

Please ignore the bitchy “this is what you signed-up for” brigade. Maybe they had shitty lives before kids and cleaning up puke is an improvement. Who knows?

PS not too late to do more on the education side for yourself. It could be a new lease of life and an opportunity to make new friends.

Wishing you the very best xx

Lol at 3 months yes, everything is looking up for most women. But with all due respect, you've been doing motherhood for about 5 minutes, and you haven't even had to go back to work yet. Chances are you will still love it in 6 years but you will be better able to acknowledge and empathize with OP's difficulties. Motherhood gets much harder, not easier, from where you are.

I don’t think anyone is selling a lie about motherhood, it just seems that a lot of women don’t want to listen about the relentless reality of raising children, and think it’ll be different for them. I don’t think the desperate baby hormones help, fortunately I never experienced that. I’m sure motherhood can be a joy but it’s very hard work!

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. We have no support either and have days where I feel the same. Like why have I done this to myself and my life is over. But then I think that in exchange for a few years of real difficulty, the maybe 60 years after will be more joyous for it. Wishing you all the best.

Ok, fair enough - but people told me in advance that the newborn stage would be awful, I’d be asking myself ‘what have I done?’ etc, every day. It has been joyous.

And, as to ‘it gets harder, not easier…’. I’m sure that’s true in lots of respects. But I felt there was so much doom mongering around motherhood that I consumed before giving birth that I wanted to provide a counterpoint on this thread.

Newborn stage was a honeymoon compared to the years that followed. As you've said, joyous. In fact, I was more rested than I'd been for years.

But toddlers/older kids and juggling work, and then still not sleeping is really hard work. Far harder than when they were tiny. I love being a mum, and absolutely adore my kids, but crikey it's knackering. But I didn't feel like that at 3 months in, it was easy peasy.

Hopefully you'll continue to love motherhood (I have overall, despite it being HARD), but to think you've find the hard bit already, and love it so all is fine forever, is like being convinced you can run a marathon because you've done 100m.

I agree. Please don't tell her OP, or only tell her if one day she has a child and is finding it hard, you might say it was hard for you too at times.

I wish I could give you a hug op

Please don’t tell your daughter how much you hate motherhood. You could scar her for life.
It is not all about you now.
Maybe take steps to improve your life. Do you have friends with children for instance?
Perhaps find activities to go with your child that you will both enjoy and that will help to build a stronger bond between you both.

Op, if you had a horrible, loveless childhood it explains everything. Im so sorry.

It does get easier, hang in there

Gosh, I completely disagree! First 3 months were brutal! I absolutely love being a parent to primary school aged children. I don’t think it gets harder for everyone. I feel like there are ups and downs, with a gradually upwards trajectory in terms of ease. Obviously very open to eating my words as we enter the teenage years! But I personally found the first couple of years so so hard, lonely and guilt inducing. I shudder when I think of it

Newborn stage is awful because of sleep deprivation and recovery from birth. My newborn could only sleep upright on our chests for the first 6 weeks, that plus c section meant I was losing my mind from sleep deprivation and tiredness. Plus hormones. He also cried for hours and hours every night until about 10 weeks (colic and reflux). It can be physically very hard. So people have to try and encourage you a bit.

But then when you need to go back to work, balancing nursery, then school, illnesses, setback in your career etc...if you don't have money and/or a supporting spouse, you find yourself completely losing yourself to motherhood. Your child turns 6 and you have no time for anything and you are a shell of your former self.....that's where OP is.

This is not competition, so many factors apply in regards on what motherhood will you have . Mostly when you want a baby you don’t sign up for the worst . From one post you don’t know ins and outs . I didn’t think my life will turn out to be like that . I never said that beginning was awful. I am talking about maybe last year or so . It’s been dreadful. Life has changed . I am in a very bad state . And I don’t know how to get out of it . But what I learned is that from MY experience being a mother has bring me more pain than joy . I don’t blame my daughter and I wasn’t going to say I hate her or hate being her mum. I will tell her what she should expect and what obstacles she will most probably face . I could go on and on ,on things that I never thought of before having child . Not everyone has same life and same upbringing .