No gift for 40th birthday

[MonsoonRainbow]

I turned 40 in December and many of my friends are also turning 40 within a few months of each other. A group of us a very close and have been friends for over 20 years. We have been through many life events together and have always been there for each other. For each friends 40th we have all contributed money to get a joint gift, usually a piece of jewellery.
I have contributed to each friends gift but here's the thing.. my birthday came and went and I did not receive anything from my close group of friends. Two of them didn't even say Happy birthday to me. Since my birthday we have had others in the group turning 40 and we have been discussing, organising and buying gifts for them. It is as if my birthday was forgotten or ignored, I am not sure which. I am feeling very hurt yet. I would like to know what others think of this, why have I been left out?

Probably forgotten.

So you remind people.

That would really upset me. Do you think it got missed out with the busyness of Christmas? (Not that that is an excuse).

you could message the group and ask if you are all still doing the group presents - you’d noticed you didn’t receive one in December so you’re wondering if everyone is doing individual presents now or preferring not to gift so you know what to do going forward.

or be more direct and just say you’re feeling hurt and upset your birthday was overlooked.

or another option is maybe ask someone in the group your closest to why your birthday was ignored and you didn’t get a gift?

You poor thing - I’d be upset too. Can you make a comment when discussing others birthdays?

I would absolutely say something in response to the latest request.

Are the presents being organised by one person? How is it done, eg is a new WhatsApp group being set up (without that birthday person) each time it is someone’s birthday ?

This happened to me. I said nothing, but did not contribute to gifts anymore.

My guess is that December is hectic for most people and they forgot. It’s a bit odd for the ones that did wish you a happy birthday though. Did they all know you were 40 too or is there a chance that they could’ve forgotten that too?

Im not always hot on birthdays but if I’d remembered that I was your big birthday id be quickly ringing the rest of the group for a whip round.

You have to mention it!

Remind them now.

wtf? How have you not mentioned anything? organising another’s gift I’d be asking hang on where was mine?! They don’t sound like friends at all.

Yeah that’s shitty of them and I’d be hurt too. My birthday is December and it does suck a bit as everyone is focused on Christmas. But I wouldn’t be contributing to everyone else’s if no one can be bothered with mine.

I agree with going subtle and saying you didn't think people were doing group gifts having not received one yourself.
Considering these are friends it is sad that they didn't all even remember to say happy birthday to you.
I used to work in a department where it was always awkward with some people getting a card on their birthday, some got a card and small gift and then a few of us got nothing! At least these were only colleagues but I did feel that was rude.

This is why I prefer to keep myself to myself - can't get disappointed in situations such as this....

Sorry you've been hurt. Perhaps you thought more of them than they thought of you (been there and got the t shirt years ago).

And they don't sound like friends tbh.

Have you asked them? Surely you have before asking randoms on the internet?

You have to speak up. You can do it calmly but you have to advocate for yourself and be firm on being treated with respect

It’s December so probably forgotten. I find it odd though that not 1 friend remembered.

Because MN can be a safe space to say out loud things that have hurt you and allow you to think it through before tackling something in real life. It’s one of the things I find so helpful about MN

I agree with above post, I would say “I noticed I didn’t get a group gift for my 40th in December , are people doing individual gifts/no gifts going forward?” Then just say so you know where you are.
Whatever the response I would not be contributing to group gifts at all
Likelihood is people forgot/had lots going on but it’s really crap no one owned it and apologised

Surely the better route would be to ask the question and then come back to ask for advice based on the answer. Otherwise all of our suggestions are dancing in the dark. And also it’s the kind of thing that leads to drip feeds in my experience..

Im 40 this december and could not care less about gifts.

Surely there’s a list of everyone’s birthdays!

Oh look. A response that is completely out of context and unhelpful to the poster. She isn’t throwing her toys out the pram because she didn’t get a present. She’s put out that she has been treated differently in a friendship group of supposed equals.

Of course she’s not wrong to be upset by this. But I completely understand how awkward you might feel about raising it.

Two of them didn't even say Happy birthday to me

So the rest did?

I'd opt out of any more gift stuff.

People who don't care less about gifts tend to have learned that from an early age. It protects their feelings.

What’s the matter with people? Why so hurtful?