No gift for 40th birthday

[MonsoonRainbow]

I turned 40 in December and many of my friends are also turning 40 within a few months of each other. A group of us a very close and have been friends for over 20 years. We have been through many life events together and have always been there for each other. For each friends 40th we have all contributed money to get a joint gift, usually a piece of jewellery.
I have contributed to each friends gift but here's the thing.. my birthday came and went and I did not receive anything from my close group of friends. Two of them didn't even say Happy birthday to me. Since my birthday we have had others in the group turning 40 and we have been discussing, organising and buying gifts for them. It is as if my birthday was forgotten or ignored, I am not sure which. I am feeling very hurt yet. I would like to know what others think of this, why have I been left out?

👏👏👏

I’ve got a group of good friends and I may be vaguely aware of the month of their birthday but that’s it. Usually some one asks ‘hey isn’t it X’s birthday soon’? Or X may well mention what her plans are with her family and that will jolt us into action, which used to be a sizeable joint present but is now just treating the birthday girl to a nice brunch or lunch.

This is really hurtful OP. You’ve every right to be upset. But, you seem like a close group, why haven’t you asked? It’s fine to express your disappointment and hurt, it doesn’t need to be confrontational. Explain it isn’t about the actual gift but the lack of thought.

That's really crap. Did you have an event or gathering for yours? I'm wondering if they genuinely forgot?

I know my dear friends birthdays, I remember them too.

Sorry, I'd be peed off too.

Good for you

Call them out on it, OP.

Send a message and say that going forwards it may be best to be consistent about birthdays especially milestone ones as it's hurtful when they get ignored/forgotten like yours was but others get remembered.

Let them know it was upsetting. If you don't stand up for yourself, you won't be respected.

🏅

This is incredibly hurtful.
Do you have one close friend in the group you could ask?
Personally I would have to pull back from these friends. I have had many instances of observing awful bitchy behaviour, when younger I stayed quiet but now I call it out.

I hope you get an answer OP.

I can’t think of a single excuse that would suffice but if this was me I’d have to ask just for my own sanity and self-respect. I’d do it when someone else birthday is mentioned, face to face so I could see their responses. I’d tell them it hurt.

I could never leave someone out in a friend group like this and I’d expect the same consideration back.

So there have been birthdays after yours that have had contributions requested? What was said when you pointed out that yours appeared to have been forgotten? Because you did point this out right? Please tell me you haven't just silently contributed because why on earth would you??

Did you want congratulations for this? A little pat on the back perhaps 😒

Did you have a birthday party/meal/event? And have the others? Only acceptable thing here is if they have all thrown birthday celebrations and you didn’t. I usually always give friends’ kids a present but may forget if they haven’t had a birthday party/mentioned in advance and generally they’re the same.

Otherwise I would mention it to the person I am closest to out of the group to ask if there was a reason? Hopefully they then take the hint they’ve all been shit and rectify it.

I’ve been forgotten at work on the birthday rota and a Secret Santa once and while that’s a bit different it’s still not nice. I quietly stopped contributing to collections after it happened over a few years.

In this case of friends forgetting, I would do the same and stop contributing to group presents.

I’m sorry to hear that, it stinks. I would probably withdraw from the group (not advising you do). December birthdays are still birthdays and come around in exactly the same 12 month cycle as all the others.

I've been there too and it sucks. Especially when you STILL keep getting added to birthday whip round whatsapp groups. I binned them all off and got dogs instead. Fuck em.

Okey dokey.
For your fortieth birthday I'm going to buy you a thing that helps you to read the room.

Thanks for that clarification, because for a minute there despite the totally different user name, I was muddling you up with the OP.

Maybe ask one person ftom the group you are most close to. Just be upfront and ask if they had arranged anything

It is very hurtful.
Are you the instigator of buying presents for the others...perhaps they are happy to give if someone else organises everything.
When they discuss another birthday, I would
just ask if buying presents is still a thing as you thought everyone had stopped.

I would tell one or two of them you were upset that they and your other closest friends made no effort for your 40th birthday - with some not even wishing you a happy birthday never mind going to the trouble of getting a gift. So, it’s now making you feel crappy when you’re being asked to do it for others and you don’t want to take part - and I’d wait for that info to be relayed back. They should be seriously embarrassed.

97% think you are not being unreasonable! What do you plan to do?

I would say something. Perhaps on the lines, I thought we weren’t doing birthday gifts as I didn’t get anything for my 40th? And see what they say.

Cool story, it doesn't sound like this thread is for you

Cool story, it doesn't sound like this thread is for you

If you want to understand better use the analogy 5 of you go to work for the month. At the end 4 get a month's pay and you get nothing