No gift for 40th birthday

[MonsoonRainbow]

I turned 40 in December and many of my friends are also turning 40 within a few months of each other. A group of us a very close and have been friends for over 20 years. We have been through many life events together and have always been there for each other. For each friends 40th we have all contributed money to get a joint gift, usually a piece of jewellery.
I have contributed to each friends gift but here's the thing.. my birthday came and went and I did not receive anything from my close group of friends. Two of them didn't even say Happy birthday to me. Since my birthday we have had others in the group turning 40 and we have been discussing, organising and buying gifts for them. It is as if my birthday was forgotten or ignored, I am not sure which. I am feeling very hurt yet. I would like to know what others think of this, why have I been left out?

I would say "oh, I thought we weren't giving birthday gifts, I didn't get a group gift for my 40th?". and see what they say.

I wouldn't be contributing to anything though if nobody gave to me.

I’d do this - and say, quite honestly, that whilst you are happy to contribute to future birthday gifts you are struggling to come to terms with the fact no one did the same for yours in December and are feeling very hurt at the moment. Then mute the conversation. I think if you let people overlook you it becomes a habit or sets a precedent.

It’s out of order, really, and in your shoes I might have exited the group by now - but I can be a bit of a flouncer! You’ve done well to hang in there - but it is very insensitive to have ignored your birthday and then come around asking for contributions to everyone else's.

So sorry you are hurt. Hope it resolves itself.

Exactly! It appears that at least some of the group didn’t forget! You seem to be the only poster that has picked up on this!!

I had this where I used to work. Everyone got a card signed by everyone and a collection towards a gift. In four years, I was the only one whose birthday was completely ignored. Even newer staff members got a card and gift. It was incredibly hurtful. I wasn’t even a shit to work with (I hope!).

Did you have a do ?
what is the procedure for remembering other people’s birthdays??

Classic MN response 😂😂😂

The ones that remembered knew they hadn’t contributed to a gift

maybe the person that was organising messed up maybe lost in post over Xmas ?
maybe they are wondering why you haven’t thanked them ?

you need to take one aside and ask if you are in the group and what went wrong

I’d say something ‘how come I didn’t get this threatment’ or similar. Their reactions will tell you everything about whether it’s a genuine fuck up or they’re not that bothered about you.

Is it because you didn’t have a party/gathering and others did?

It’s probably coz it was in December an expensive and busy months I would mention it playfully next time it’s someone’s turn to get a gift it will prompt them to either get a gift or apologise for forgetting .

We have ups and downs with people’s birthdays, the first time everyone forgot it stung, obviously because it was the first time it ever happened and it was me (!) and the fact that a week later we were all organising so someone else’s gift I felt very forgotten but then it happened again, and I’d forgotten too. It’s just that life hits people with a load of things at once and I’d guess December is the worst for that. Next year just loads of ‘can’t believe it’s my birthday soon!’ posts!!!

Surely it could go on the office calendar, or on their phones. No excuse for forgetting it. The fact that it’s an expensive time should have nothing to do with it.

YANBU… but I do have one question: did everyone else organise an actual event for their birthday, which the whole group was present at and the gift was given there? And did you not do anything and therefore not openly celebrate? If that’s the case it’s likely that they either forgot or didn’t know it was happening, or thought you really didn’t want to mark it in any way.

Sounds as if they all contribute to each other’s gifts so they should all receive one, regardless of any other celebrations.

I’d be very hurt at this. I wouldn’t say directly to my friends ‘you forgot my birthday’ but I would say I am not contributing to gifts as it’s a bit onesided. Not sure if that’s any better might be a bit passive aggressive but I’d have to say something.

That’s really disappointing and I would feel fed up about that if were me. Not sure how I would tackle it though. Maybe face to face with one of the ones you trust the most?

That would have made me sad too. Friends for 20 years? Everyone should know when everyone's birthday is.

I’m sorry this happened to you, it is very hurtful.

but you need to be forthright now. Ask them why you overlooked, I am sure they will be very disappointed in themselves and want to make amends

I think if people were still including me in group chats about gift buying, I’d come straight out and ask if it’s still expected since no one gave me a group gift in December. Otherwise you are stuck in this awkward situation forever and you will just feel resentful.

I had a big birthday recently and received nothing from either of my parents. There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little hurt when people don’t show they care. I’m not going to bring it up as it’s too late, the day has gone now.

I think I would respond by saying "I didn't realise we were still doing this as I didn't receive a card or present for my own 40th birthday".

I would be devastated too, but it sounds like it was more somehow forgotten than ignored.
You have to say something, otherwise it will fester and ruin your friendship.

I had a similar experience years ago. We did go out for a meal with friends but my husband paid, shortly afterwards another 40th birthday proposal was to contribute £40 each towards providing a luxury weekend for the richest couple amongst us. This was £35 years ago when £40 was a lot of money. Same ‘friends’ abandoned me when my husband left me. I’ll never forgive them but they don’t live in my head anymore.

Not the point though. If you contributed for numerous 40th gifts and you got 0 from the same people im sure it won’t go unnoticed

Simple mistake, somebody said its 2027 and the rest followed