No gift for 40th birthday

[MonsoonRainbow]

I turned 40 in December and many of my friends are also turning 40 within a few months of each other. A group of us a very close and have been friends for over 20 years. We have been through many life events together and have always been there for each other. For each friends 40th we have all contributed money to get a joint gift, usually a piece of jewellery.
I have contributed to each friends gift but here's the thing.. my birthday came and went and I did not receive anything from my close group of friends. Two of them didn't even say Happy birthday to me. Since my birthday we have had others in the group turning 40 and we have been discussing, organising and buying gifts for them. It is as if my birthday was forgotten or ignored, I am not sure which. I am feeling very hurt yet. I would like to know what others think of this, why have I been left out?

I left a friendship group for the same reason (they knew it was my birthday) a couple sent happy birthday text a day later but i was really hurt. I was the only one they didn’t get anything for and to not even stick any acknowlegement on the group chat was the kicker so i was done at that point. Part of turning 40 meant i now longer care what people think or bring a people pleaser so i wasn’t prepared to waste any more time on a group like that.

you could try talking to them and explaining how you feel - i didn’t & haven’t looked back. I did wait a few months and when nothing belated came i gradually withdrew and didn’t go to a couple of meets up but when they started talking about a 50th coming up that was it and i cut contact

This

You have missed the point.

I think they forgot

Don't tell other people how to use Mumsnet @Arlanymor. Op, that does sound hurtful. Could you ask one of your friends separately why nothing was done for your birthday?

I think I'd say something in this circumstance.

When organising the next gift, I'd just come out with it and say "I've been sitting on this as I was really hurt by it, but did you all forget my birthday?"

I mean what can they say: "no, but we don't like you as much so you are the one who we just figured could miss out." And if that's what it is, they kind of deserve to feel awkward by having to spit it out. And you decide from there they aren't friends.

Or, more likely, they really did forget - and you will probably see the genuine regret this happened.

I'd just ask. No point chewing your teeth and wondering ...

Calm down love. You told someone how to use Mumsnet first 😂

There's absolutely no excuse for this. Especially as you have been actively contributing. It having been Christmas is no excuse. I hate people who forget birthdays in this way. All it takes is 10 seconds to put a birthday as a recurring event into your phone diary, and hey presto, there it is every year.

Myself and my school friends have a WhatsApp group, and we all wish each other a happy birthday whenever there is one. I was always first to write whenever there was a birthday, 6am/7am, yet every year they forgot mine. I stopped talking to them eventually, and all OK now but it was hurtful.

Did others arrange a celebration for their 40ths and you didn’t?

I’ve come to realise that letting birthdays pass without arranging a celebration is just miserable and people are bound to forget.

Inexcusable. Setting reminders or using a diary or a calendar is easy enough, or even a list of everyone’s birthday clearly displayed on the notice board

I didn't actually - I said "Surely the better route..." it's a suggestion, not an imperative.

I’ve been there OP and it’s really hurtful. You put in the thought and effort for everyone else and when it’s your turn … crickets! It’s hard not to feel like you don’t matter as much to them as they do to you.

A close friend and I share our birthday month. Week, actually. Our small group had organised a lovely weekend away to celebrate her, after both of our birthdays had passed. Still waiting for her to wish me a happy birthday 🤷‍♀️ I’ve pulled way back from that friendship group now anyway but I wouldn’t have been contributing anything more than a birthday wish from that point.

I would be hurt too. I wouldn't contribute ro more gifts and I would work on seing other people.
I would be honest at the next collection "No, thank you - I thought it wasn't a thing anymore as my birthday past without a present".

I would message the group saying 'Oh are we still buying joint gifts as I thought with not receiving anything for my Birthday from the group we weren't doing it anymore' I'd be really upset if my friends didn't stick with the norm & gift something from them all.

I applaud your restraint in not having already said anything. I may not have said anything when I didnt recieve one but I would 100% have mentioned it when being asked to contribute to someone else's. I think you do need to raise it, im not sure if the friendship can stay the same if you dont.

You need to bite the bullet and say something.

'Hi all, I need to address something that has upset me. For the past year we've been putting our heads together and planning gifts for friends turning 40, which has been lovely. However, I turned 40 last month and I didn't receive even a card. This isn't about a gift, it's about feeling like I'm not part of the group.

It's too upsetting for me to keep pretending I'm not upset by this so I will take a step back from the present ideas for now.'