To tell him to come back later.

[fireworksandflowers]

I don’t know if my judgement is clouded by my extreme dislike of my ex or I was justified in my actions.

this past week was half term. He would usually have the kids on a Wednesday after school, he text Wednesday morning asking where to pic the kids up at 3.20. I said the house and so he did.

he then text Friday morning asking if the kids would be ready to be collected at his usual time of 3.20, I replied yes. End of conversation.

I finished work at 2pm Friday, home by 2.10, at 2.20 kids were putting coats on, I asked where they were going. To be told by oldest (11yo) “dad has text asking if we are home so I said yes, he’s said he’s coming to get us now”. I hadn’t helped youngest sort out bag for the weekend (he needed uniform for Monday, oldest hadn’t give this a thought either) as I’d not long been in and thought I had an hour until pick up. Went out front at 2.25 when ex arrived and told him it wasn’t acceptable to be changing arrangements through an 11yo and to come back at the arranged time. He stormed off and text me telling me how ridiculous I was, was I being petty? This isn’t the first time he has tried to text dad to make arrangements and been told it’s not fair on her, but he seems to think it’s better than texting me. Aibu to tell him to come back at the arranged time?

Pick your battles

He came an hour early. You could’ve said just wait until I get the bags ready. As first poster said, pick your battles.

I would have told him they weren’t ready and he’ll have to wait outside. I would have followed up with a “please don’t make arrangements directly with the DC it’s not yet appropriate as they are too young”.

Or I suppose you could have let him work this out on Monday when they didn’t have their school stuff and have made it his problem to resolve.

I think sending him away for the sake of an hour to pack a bag was quite petty to be honest yeah, not the hill I’d die on

I can see this from both sides.

You didn’t have time to pack, but unless you told him this specifically, I can see why he thought you were being unreasonable as an hour doesn’t seem much difference. It must have been frustrating to be told to come back. How far away does he live? It doesn’t take long to pack a bag. Maybe you should have explained the circumstances, and told him to wait in the car 10 minutes and packed a bag quickly?

If you don’t have a very good relationship (which you say you don’t) then I can see why he might go through an 11 yo, but he shouldn’t doing this. They’ve probably seen arguments etc but parents shouldn’t be using children to pass on messages in this way. It’s not nice or appropriate. If this is happening, you probably need to be asking why, and address this together. Aim to communicate clearly and as straightforwardly as possibly just sticking to facts etc and not getting argumentative.

You both need to work on communication. It will be really difficult if you’re not getting along but ask yourself how many years you’ve got of this to come…

He lives a 5 minute walk away.

Yes you’re being petty, but you’re also doing too much. He needs his own set of uniform that he washes instead of you being responsible for everything. PE kit moves between houses and wherever it ends up the parent washes it. Stop doing everything and you may not get as cross at things like this.

I get it @fireworksandflowers

I actually agree with what you have done though. My DSS stepdad always arrives early at our exchange point (shop in between the 2 houses) to collect but is also always late to drop him off. He used to send my DSS a text saying he was there 5mins early, then 10mins til eventually it was 40-60 minutes each week. We always bring him 5 mins before exchange time.

My DH put a stop to the texts though as DSS was getting stressed out never knowing when he'd get a message but also he'd be trying to rush DH or myself even though we might be doing something like work, or feeding the kids etc.

It'd be one thing if he had text you... but he has no right texting the kids to impose on your access!

You are being so petty. He contacted you asking if he could come earlier. You obviously said ok so what’s the problem? Stop trying to control the poor bastard, he just wants to be with his kids

I agree but due to his shift work it’s not that easy. He won’t buy his own set of uniform because he pays me maintenance to supply the kids with uniform and recently returned 3 full sets he had kept from my house when I asked if he had any.

I didn’t say okay at all?

The 5 minute walk away makes you look more petty I think.

I’d have let the kids go, have a cup of tea and pack their bag at your leisure then dropped it off that evening/sometime over the weekend if it wasn’t needed until Monday.

Or explained to him that the kids can go, but he’ll need to collect their stuff in an hour.

Or galvanised the kids to get their things ready if they want to go with dad now.

So you said no, it’s not convenient?

You are not being unreasonable, he is. Keep training him by not rewarding his inconsiderate behaviour.

Was he taking them to school Monday then?

I can’t see why it would have been a big deal for him to pick up a bag later or you to drop it in.

Perfectly reasonable to make him wait while you got the kids ready. Would have been kinder to let him wait in the house than in the car.

Training him?? How bloody disgusting.

Exactly how long does it take to sort that out? "Can you just hold on 10mins whilst I get his uniform for Monday please as i've not long got in"
Is what I would've said myself.

Er, he wanted to pick them up earlier than agreed. The OP is not a time traveller - she has preparations to make before she can send the DC off, and arranges her time with the agreed deadline in mind.

The "poor bastard" is oblivious to the stuff she is doing for him and the kids, and is actually trying to control her by expecting her to jump to his bidding at short notice.

Typo edits

So she could have just told him it wasn’t convenient.

he also is not a mind reader

She did tell him just that.
And, it sounds, not for the first time.

He text an 11 year old ffs to arrange to come even earlier they were unprepared maybe if he had a second uniform or had text his coparent he might have been able to go earlier

But we don’t know if he’s been abusive or something so why should she allow him in the house?

Re the uniform, it’s absolutely ridiculous for him to refuse to buy it. I don’t think maintenance covers much, usually.

Since OP never mentioned any "abuse" - and the ex probably would have had restricted access to the kids in that case - this is totally irrelevant. Besides we know he comes into the house. It's just she chose not to let him wait there.

Having been on here a wee while, I’ve read countless times about abusive men not being restricted from seeing their dc, because the abuse was directed at the mum, not the dc and the mums being horrified and scared that the dc would be abused. I’m not saying this is the case here!