To tell him to come back later.

[fireworksandflowers]

I don’t know if my judgement is clouded by my extreme dislike of my ex or I was justified in my actions.

this past week was half term. He would usually have the kids on a Wednesday after school, he text Wednesday morning asking where to pic the kids up at 3.20. I said the house and so he did.

he then text Friday morning asking if the kids would be ready to be collected at his usual time of 3.20, I replied yes. End of conversation.

I finished work at 2pm Friday, home by 2.10, at 2.20 kids were putting coats on, I asked where they were going. To be told by oldest (11yo) “dad has text asking if we are home so I said yes, he’s said he’s coming to get us now”. I hadn’t helped youngest sort out bag for the weekend (he needed uniform for Monday, oldest hadn’t give this a thought either) as I’d not long been in and thought I had an hour until pick up. Went out front at 2.25 when ex arrived and told him it wasn’t acceptable to be changing arrangements through an 11yo and to come back at the arranged time. He stormed off and text me telling me how ridiculous I was, was I being petty? This isn’t the first time he has tried to text dad to make arrangements and been told it’s not fair on her, but he seems to think it’s better than texting me. Aibu to tell him to come back at the arranged time?

He doesn’t come in my house, hasn’t stepped foot since the day he left. Comes to the end of my drive at the most. No abuse during the relationship, wasn’t even a messy split imo, was the tale as old as time - we drifted, I asked for support, he’d step up for a week or two and repeat. After years of the cycle I called it a day, was quite amicable at the beginning but as time has gone on it has got quite nasty.

Do you think that he's doing it on purpose to annoy you, or just he's passing at that time and wants to get them on the way or something?
I don't think it's that unreasonable for him to contact the 11 year old, but it is unreasonable for them to have to witness and manage their parents arguing.
I think the most reasonable thing would have been to have him wait outside while you helped the younger child pack their bag and him wait for them to be ready since he was early.

Have you completely misread the thread?
He never asked the OP to come early. He text their shared child and the first the OP knew of it, he was outside. She wasn't ready as they had already agreed the time.

He didn't ask if he could come earlier! He asked if they would be ready at his normal collection time of 3.20pm, and OP said yes.

Neither is she a mind reader.

He didn't ask OP if he could come earlier.

He texted his 11 yr old daughter and told her he would come early.

He didn't ask or tell OP, he just turned up an hour early.

It pissed me off too when my child's dad would communicate with her rather than me at about the same age. I don't think you're wrong.

1

Could be argued either way, BUT I do think it's impt that children should not be expected to be the conduit for communication between adults (so on that part of it, OP Is correct).

Your poor children caught in the middle of this pettiness.

There is NOT two sides to this (i.e the dad v the mum) at all. There is only one side and that is the child. Imagine what you are doing to that child when he innocently said to his dad to come and pick him up only for you to throw a tantrum and delay him going with his dad.

From what you have said, this is not the first time. Your child will never forget your pettiness. Grow up and put your child first, you are damaging him and potentially your relationship with him in the future.

I think YABU. He was just an hour early.

YANBU. He can’t make arrangements with the kids only at that age, as they are not aware of things that you are doing behind the scenes. I do think you communicated poorly about it. You should have texted him as soon as you knew and said “Hi X please check with me before making or changing plans with the kids. I have not got the bags ready as we agreed 3.20 but you can come at 3 if you like”

I would probably have just told him to hang on whilst you got the stuff together- depending on whether you even slightly get on.

It would be a good idea if he had a set of uniform for his house.

I don’t really have time for “I pay maintenance to cover all the uniform” when maintenance is reduced based on any nights spent at his house. So uniform should at worst be split by the proportion of nights spent at each house - ideally paid 50:50.

I did tell my ex he could either chip 50:50 in to the uniform I was buying and organising for my son’s secondary start or else he could buy and organise his own sets for his house on his days. Unsurprisingly the idea of having to make any effort led to him quickly paying towards the uniform I was buying!

Also got him to pay a bit towards dd’s sixth form outfits albeit she was organising that for the most part.

Nothing more irritating than when uniform you’ve paid for piles up unreturned at the ex’s house so that you are constantly having to do washing whilst they have amassed several back up sets!!

But your reply is all about blaming the mum here…

Imagine what the dad is doing to the child by making plans with them directly and not involving the mother hence causing confusion!! If someone agreed to pick up my child at 3.20 for a sleepover and came an hour early, I wouldn’t be ready either!

The thing is, though, the dad put the child in that position by not thinking.

I agree it would be much better for the OP not to have got cross. But the dad is also responsible for any upset to the child.

The child is 11, old enough to understand that the OP wasn't ready and that's why the original time agreed.

So maybe I was being a bit petty on this occasion, I think I’m clouded because he has form for this and I’m getting fed up of it. Past example- out with the kids for the day, said I’d be home for 5, he text dd asking to be informed when we were on way home. Dd naturally did as asked and text him , when I suggested we stopped off for food (still before the agreed return time between us) on the way home she tells me she can’t because she’s told dad they’re on the way home and he’s now waiting.

Yabu. He was 55 mins early. I'd have either asked the ex to wait outside whilst I got the kids things or as it's just a 5 minute walk asked ex to to ahead with the younger ones and 11 year old would be along shortly with the uniforms.

That's not what an 11 year old sees. They see that their dad is keen to see them, they can go an hour early - woohooo! 🥳 Then mum sends dad away and says come back at the right time and you've just pissed on his chips. The mum will look like the bad guy.

I don't disagree that what the dad did wasn't right. But it just needs a grown up approach - invite dad in, have a chat, pack the kid's stuff, wave him off. Then text dad at a suitable time to say it wasn't ideal and could he please make sure he texts her first before involving the child.

I speak from experience. I will always begrudge the way my mum treated my dad when I was stuck in the middle of their divorce. Even though as a grown up, I can kind of understand why she did it. As a child, the same age as the OP's child, I didn't get it and so the damage was done. You have to put your child first no matter which parent is at fault.

I think it is great he wants to see his children so with that in mind I think maybe you should text him to say you went about it the wrong way. You needed time to get a bag together and you were unaware the times had been changed. It caught you off guard.

You have to think about your children, they are your priority and you want them to have a relationship with their Dad. He is communicating through your child because it seems things are hostile between you and him. Maybe this would go a long way to helping it become more amicable.

It is great he wants to see his children, when it suits him around his work, he didn’t want to see them any other time during the half term because he would have to change work, but it’s alright because I’ll change my work.

I do understand people saying put the children first, I really do try, but it’s frustrating that I’m the only one that does this. He text at 11am asking if pick up time was still okay for 3.20. For then to decide it suited him to have them an hour earlier without informing me, I didn’t even know what the kids were up to that day as they were being watched by my dad.

I know i sound petty and i see that I am, im also just frustrated from always trying to be the bigger person ( although I see in this situation I wasn’t). There is other contributing factors to my frustrations with him. And I do have an appointment booked for mediation to try hash all this out and get a set plan in place, although I don’t think he will engage with it.

I do get where you are coming from. I am not divorced but have several friends who are.

Maybe do I as suggested but caveat it with but we need to stick to the agreed times so everyone knows what is happening. And going forward you need to tell him that holidays and covering half of them needs to be discussed. It cannot all be on you.

In mediation you can just go all positive, I hoped you would agree to this as it is what is best for the children etc. Everything from a positive, name the behaviour you want to see (like you would a child)

You also need to talk to your eldest to help them to understand why arrangements at present need to go through the parents. Explain that they were heading out the door and you hadn't got a bag packed for your youngest. They are old enough to understand that.

Sending him away for an hour is petty. He could have just waited whilst you checked the kids bags or he could have collected the missing items on Sunday night if it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience.

It is unreasonable of him to contact the 11-year-old to make changes to.an arrangement he has already made with the OP.

OP is 100% right to push back.on this one, otherwise he'll get the message that, if he changes his mind (as he seems to do regularly) all he has to do is text the 11-y-o and rhe OP will leap to do his bidding.

I had one like this once.

I feel your frustration, and don't believe you have fone anything wrong.