To tell him to come back later.

[fireworksandflowers]

I don’t know if my judgement is clouded by my extreme dislike of my ex or I was justified in my actions.

this past week was half term. He would usually have the kids on a Wednesday after school, he text Wednesday morning asking where to pic the kids up at 3.20. I said the house and so he did.

he then text Friday morning asking if the kids would be ready to be collected at his usual time of 3.20, I replied yes. End of conversation.

I finished work at 2pm Friday, home by 2.10, at 2.20 kids were putting coats on, I asked where they were going. To be told by oldest (11yo) “dad has text asking if we are home so I said yes, he’s said he’s coming to get us now”. I hadn’t helped youngest sort out bag for the weekend (he needed uniform for Monday, oldest hadn’t give this a thought either) as I’d not long been in and thought I had an hour until pick up. Went out front at 2.25 when ex arrived and told him it wasn’t acceptable to be changing arrangements through an 11yo and to come back at the arranged time. He stormed off and text me telling me how ridiculous I was, was I being petty? This isn’t the first time he has tried to text dad to make arrangements and been told it’s not fair on her, but he seems to think it’s better than texting me. Aibu to tell him to come back at the arranged time?

I CANNOT stand early people
1 hour early is bad manners
Sounds like ex was trying to make a power play
He deserved to be sent away for not following instructions and for going through the child
Too sly

So this ongoing inappropriate behaviour by him and yes you do need to put a boundary in place. He is being unfair on your DC to involve them.

It would be very different if he messaged them saying “if you are free earlier let me know, check with your mum” but he isn’t is he.

I do agree with pick your battles, but also see that it’s tiring having to do so. Ifthis was a one off that’s one thing, but this sounds like a pattern of behaviour and I get you being frustrated. And I hate that as women were told we have to tiptoe around men to make their lives easier and let things go. He absolutely should have consulted you to make sure things were sorted instead of asking his child and doing so after texting you twice feels sneaky.

Exactly 💯
In the long run it'll stress the kids out thinking they have to jump when Daddy texts

They’re not stressed at the moment but they are currently of the thought we need to be with dad asap because he constantly plays the emotions card. I tell them to have a nice weekend, hope you have fun etc. he tells them he misses them, doesn’t want them to leave, would have them stay if he could but he can’t, will text counting down until he sees them. I don’t know if I’m making it worse by my approach? He currently has a maximum of 4 nights without seeing them (less than when he actually lived here)

I can only go from my experience with my stepson... when he got a phone we ended up having to limit it because his mother and her partner became overbearing. My husband would only ever text him the odd time if he had an exam, or had a game and wished dhik luck type of thing. However his mother was messaging him everyday and my stepson was actually afraid to go to the bathroom without his phone or out playing with his friends in the garden because if he didn't respond straight away to her she would be blowing up his phone and blowing up my husbands emails. I'm not saying that'll happen with you but it was a serious pressure and my husband really had to put his foot down.

On the exchange days, his stepfather was messaging him to say he was at the local shop to get him. We are always 5mins early so there'd never need to be a text really. But the texts were getting earlier and earlier every time and again my stepson was thinking he had to hurry up, had to.geg up earlier, if we were out he'd be trying to rush us back etc.

It's all well and good people saying he was only an hour early and you were being petty but clearly you've said ye don't have a great relationship and you don't think he'll be open to mediation... so why would you be the one bending over backwards for him. It sounds like you hadn't even seen much of your kids that day yourself so that hour is precious IMO.

I’m pleased there’s someone who can somewhat relate to my situation. I don’t want to tell my daughter she can’t text her dad or what she can and can’t talk to him about but this is a repetitive situation to which I can’t see a different resolve without physically removing the phone I pay for but this then punishes her which isn’t fair. I have told him time and time again not to make plans through her which he obviously doesn’t listen to, he doesn’t see the issue.

when we first split he wanted all contact to be on his terms, he wanted to text me on a Sunday and tell me when he was having the children that week. At first I did go with this to keep the peace but then it got to a point he would text on a Thursday and change the plans for that Saturday etc so I put a stop to it. Said I wanted a set in stone routine so everyone knew where they stood. This routine is still on a rotation to work around his shifts but since then he feels I’m being unreasonable and it’s gradually escalated.

Exactly... we don't ever want to stop communication but it got to the stage where stepson was setting his alarm to get up at maybe 7am on the weekend, so he could go downstairs to sit by phone his phone and await a text from his stepdad (his mum doesn't drive) saying hes early or that he's left their house. Exchange is at 10.30am (chosen by his mother funnily enough). Meanwhile we might be in bed, or we could be dealing with the younger kids, one of us could be out at swimming lessons etc... I might not have his washing sorted to go back (we do both have our own clothing but sometimes he will arrive in uniform and need to.fo back in PE kit or normal clothes if no school etc).

I will say we are super flexible where we can be with notice... like his mum had asked to keep him an extra day in the summer for a concert and we agreed straight away, we often hang onto him longer in the summer holidays if they are working, we will collect him for sports activities on her time if needs be but all this only works when we have enough notice to be flexible!

You reward behaviour, you train the person to exhibit that behaviour. It's just people responding to incentives.

I think you need to have a fairly firm word with your eldest - that she is not to make arrangements with him without discussing with you first, because thats just a sensible rule for people living under the same roof when some are dependent on others for help/stuff/transport etc.

And re-iterate to him that he makes arrangements with you, not with the kids, and that ignoring that means they may arrive without stuff they need, or he may be sat waiting a long time.

Then stick to your time frames. If he arranges with your DD to meet earlier, but you're stopping for food on the way home, tough shit, he waits or goes home and comes back. If he turns up early to pick them up and they haven't had their bags packed and don't have things they'll need they can go without and do without or leave him waiting (your choice, not theirs.)

They will all learn.

Unfortunately I haven’t figured out his reward as he’s never a good boy.

This

I feel like we are in the minority and a lot of posters seem to have the view of “it was only an hour”

Whatever his motives, giving him a rebuke was never going to end well and.it was petty

If he is 5 mins away couldn't eldest pop back to pick up the uniform later or over the weekend?

I am 100% in agreement with what you did.

This wasn't a one-off, this is how he often behaves.

I think it's to remind you that he's the more powerful one (according to him 🙄). He's trying to control everything, he's not interested in compromising, or sticking to agreed times.

Tough. Keep making your point, OP, and stick to agreed times.

💐

I do feel like these incidents are him trying to regain some control of the situation. He does feel hard done to in the situation as he pays child support.

Dear God! A man having to pay to feed and clothe his children, and their mother still doesn't dance to his tune!

OP, he is an entitled ass and you are handling him correctly. Training him to respect you, even.

He pays me to “supposedly look after my children, but I don’t subscribe to Disney+, so what am I spending his money on”

would be easier to train the wild unicorn in my back garden.

You need to correct him that child maintenance is a contribution towards you having the burden of majority responsibility for the DC and that he is financially and practically responsible for his children in his allocated time with them.

He’s a complete dick.

He’s of the view that he can’t see what I’m spending his money on so I must be using it for my own lavish lifestyle 🙄

He can have that view or opinion all he likes but he gets a reduction in the CMS due for the nights he has them as he has to fund them then.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Age appropriate truth with the DC that what he is doing isn’t ok and why.

Completely agree. The amount he pays is what he says the cms calculator says he should , so chances are it may be more, but I feel the amount he pays is fair so have not gone through an official claim. He has said he should pay less though as it doesn’t take into consideration what he spends on them while in his care, but when I pointed that out the other way round I’d be a money grabber 😅

I vote YANBU
He's an utter bellend for trying to rearrange plans with you through an 11yo. He's been asked and told not to, yet he's still doing it. So he must be doing it for a reason. Maybe it's as simple as, he thinks you'll say no if he asks you. Or maybe he wants to make it look like you're the one stopping him from seeing the DC more. Or maybe it's just a control thing. Either way, unacceptable.

Could you ask your DD to just reply with "you need to message Mum about that" when he tries to change plans?

Then stick to the plans made with you. If he's likely to turn up early, I would probably try to be out. Walk to the park, go to a cafe. That way he's not getting to put on a show in front of your DC. Stay consistent, be flexible when he does ask you, and grey rock any tantrums when he tries to turn up early without warning.

Nope. They were not ready. He needed to wait/come back later.

And all of this “oh it’s great he wanted to see them” - great a father actually wanted to see his own children? Whoop!! 🙄

Exactly this. For heavens sake. It’s what, 45 mins of all your lives?. This sort of thing boils me. wouldn’t it be much better for the kids to have nice easy exchanges with a bit of flexibility instead of unnecessary drama creation? Of course it would. But no, carry on being nit picking and controlling which makes everyone feel just that tiny bit worse….