To tell him to come back later.

[fireworksandflowers]

I don’t know if my judgement is clouded by my extreme dislike of my ex or I was justified in my actions.

this past week was half term. He would usually have the kids on a Wednesday after school, he text Wednesday morning asking where to pic the kids up at 3.20. I said the house and so he did.

he then text Friday morning asking if the kids would be ready to be collected at his usual time of 3.20, I replied yes. End of conversation.

I finished work at 2pm Friday, home by 2.10, at 2.20 kids were putting coats on, I asked where they were going. To be told by oldest (11yo) “dad has text asking if we are home so I said yes, he’s said he’s coming to get us now”. I hadn’t helped youngest sort out bag for the weekend (he needed uniform for Monday, oldest hadn’t give this a thought either) as I’d not long been in and thought I had an hour until pick up. Went out front at 2.25 when ex arrived and told him it wasn’t acceptable to be changing arrangements through an 11yo and to come back at the arranged time. He stormed off and text me telling me how ridiculous I was, was I being petty? This isn’t the first time he has tried to text dad to make arrangements and been told it’s not fair on her, but he seems to think it’s better than texting me. Aibu to tell him to come back at the arranged time?

Tell me you don't have a controlling ex without telling me 🙄

1 hour of either parents access, every week, is alot. There's a reason there are specific times put into court orders and agreements.
In this instance, the mother hadn't gotten to see her kids that day yet properly and she had to get stuff ready (that the father should bloody well have himself) for the kids.

If he had bothered to text her maybe she could have been flexible... but he basically showed up at her door expecting to impose on her time.

I would nothing better than sunshine and daisies with bunnies hopping around at pick up and drop offs but that’s not the world I live in. Yes, to you it might only be 45 minutes. But that’s 45 minutes I was going to use to make sure they have uniform, because he doesn’t supply his own, 45 minutes to have a natter with them about their day with their grandfather because I had been to work all day and their father wasn’t willing to change his schedule to help look after his kids when they needed it through half term. 45 minutes because it worked for him, no consideration to anyone else’s plans. Considering he had already text me that morning confirming a pick up time, why would he not text me again asking to change it? Probably because I’d say no - it’s not convenient, so he puts an 11 year old in the middle as messenger and tried to do what he wants when he wants.

Or else he was just coming by a bit earlier than he previously thought and it would have been more convenient and practical to get them on the way? Plans change, flexibility is key, it works both ways and it needn’t be a big deal (unless there is some terrible abuse you haven’t yet disclosed here).
Im assuming you have them more than him anyway, why castigate him for wanting a bit of extra time with his kids? If his schedule didn’t allow it last week but it does this week then great. There will be times in the future when your schedule doesn’t allow for certain things probably and you will need flex in return. That’s just life.
perhaps he is asking the 11 year old as he knows drama will be created if he asks you direct?
look-it’s easy to get in to this tit for tat, it’s my 30 minutes etc etc. But neither of you ‘own’ those children or their time. Creating bad feeling and drama when there is no real need won’t end up with what the children need , which is an easy, flexible, flexible, surface level amicable relationship between their parents.
you might loathe him. You might have a long list of things he has done wrong to you, and ways he has annoyed you. But those things don’t apply to the way the children feel about him. And in the end they won’t matter anyway. For your own peace (and I’m saying this from experience) don’t sweat over 45 minutes here or there.

At 11 they can walk around the corner if he lives 5 mins away at any point over the weekend to pick up uniform. In fact it’s a good learning experience for them to do that in terms of organising their own stuff. And it’s nice for them to be able to drop by either of your houses whenever they like with no issue, so both houses feel like home.
yes of course it’s nice for you to chat to them after school. But none of you will die if that doesn’t happen, and it’s also nice for them to be able to do that with their Dad. These are non issues.
You are getting hung up on controlling their time and it won’t feel great or comfortable for them if you carry on doing so.
It’s bloody hard having to give up time with your children when you split with their Dad. Especially if he’s behaved badly towards you and the split was not your fault. I hated my ex husband. He had an affair with my mate and ruined my life in lots of ways. But there is no mileage in being petty over the kids towards your own recovery and peace, and more importantly it won’t help the children. I actually sympathise with you-co parenting is hard. But you can make it easier by choosing your battles.

I feel it’s less about controlling their time and him imposing on my time and expecting me to make it happen for him. I know he wasn’t just calling by and the agreed time of 3.20 was initially on his request to suit his schedule. While I agree flexibility is great, it’s only great when it suits both parties. This case I didn’t even get asked.

the kids can’t come and go as they please at the moment as work schedules don’t allow. In this case I was leaving my home on Friday and not returning until Monday. If I was to leave dd with a key she would have all her friends in my house unsupervised for hours at a time because her dad would think that’s cool. I honestly don’t want any battles, I just want an agreement made and stuck to.

As it happens my ex is a knobber. I loathed him. But I never fussed over this sort of stuff and it made life easier for everyone, most especially the children. Where there were things we disagreed on that were more important, it made it easier to negotiate.
I do deal with a highly controlling DSS’s mum however who is so controlling that at ages 14 and 12 our step sons are ‘not allowed’ to ring us when they are with her (to her knowledge-they just delete their call records) and who refuses any changes to the schedule even when requested months in advance to allow the boys to do anything with us not on our time, (latest example being coming to a concert they really want to go to, for which tickets were nigh on impossible to get but we managed, which falls on one of ‘her’ nights.She is happy to ask for swaps when it suits her, shows up late when it’s for our time, but heaven forbid we ever get stuck in traffic or have a work commitment we can’t get out of. All hell breaks loose. Guess what they are beginning to think of her as they get older?

I’ve seen nothing in the OP’s post that suggests her ex is abusive and controlling. Annoying to her and she maybe doesn’t like him for good reason-we don’t know 🤷🏽‍♀️

i Wouldn’t say controlling or abusive during the relationship, irresponsible with money maybe but I wouldn’t class it as controlling. When we split it wasn’t messy , quite amicable but when things don’t go his way like visitation schedules changing weekly to suit his shifts - some weeks wouldn’t see them at all , he goes into hard done to mode and turns quite nasty and spiteful. Texting me things he doesn’t like about my parenting, wants receipts for where his money is being spent etc. I’ve actually offered 50/50 on more than one occasion to try make things more equal and he’s not willing to change work or his working schedule. So what can I do? Just bend over week on week to keep the peace and no one knows if they’re coming or going. Or do I put rules and boundaries in place? Or at least try.

But that’s when you just tell the kids as they are leaving ‘make sure to come and get your uniform before Monday’. There is nothing he has needed you to make happen practically is there?

Obviously I’m not party to whatever else has gone on for you so I won’t comment much further. But IME court orders are drawn up as a guide with an expectation (where there is no abuse) of some reasonable flexibility. Both ways. If that can’t be done for a valid reason then fine. If it’s it’s because you don’t want to ‘give’ (and to me that’s an issue-neither parent owns the children) your ex ‘your’ 45 mins then it will end up creating a horrible time for your children. Only you really know which it is.
best of luck to you either way

I never once suggested the OPs ex was abusive, she has even indicated herself that there was no abuse or big falling out etc. However she has mentioned a few times that he likes to control when he sees the kids... and that she allowed that to happen early on but he kept changing the goalposts. She is also already being flexible by allowing the days he sees the kids change depending on his work schedule which changes often. In addition she has mentioned that he has a habit of trying to make plans through the 11 Yr old (who evidently was able to go and get the younger siblings out the door but couldn't be bothered telling mum they were going somewhere?). Why does the OP need to be the only one being flexible... when he didn't even have the decency to contact her?

I've said in another of my comments that I completely agree that flexibility is key, and have given similar examples where I also deal with my stepsons mother who is erratic and absolutely difficult when it comes to swaps. We are always flexible when we can be... we have given her a day in the summer where she's taking SS to a concert and because we had notice it wasn't an issue. However her husband keeps trying to pick my stepson early every week, and my 14yr old stepson can't handle it. It's stressing him out to the point he was getting up hours early waiting on a text and nost of the time we weren't available to send him back early. If communicated to my DH, we do what we can to be flexible (keep him a little longer, drop him to his mums instead of her picking up, take him to sports during her access etc). But again, it's about communication.

The Dad could have easily text the OP and said, hey I'm actually available now so I'll pick up the kids and she could have said "I need 10 mins to pack the uniforms"... easy flexible. But she can't do that if he's rocking up at the door unexpectedly.

So does he have them fri to monday morning every weekend? He should have a set for when he is dropping at school.

In this instance, I dont think you were wrong as their bags need sorting, however Id have probably allowed it to happen and let him suck up the consequences monday morning and not be available all weekend. Doesnt matter if he lives 5 mins or 5hrs away tbh. Timings are set for routine, he doesnt get to dictate.

No he has them Friday - Monday one weekend. Sat- sun the next and Friday - Sunday the next. So only does the school drop off one in three weeks

Have you RTFT?

There isn't a Court order.

He doesn't even want to go to mediation.
He goes through their 11 Yr old DC to change times after making plans with OP the same day. He often does this.
OP was going to be away all weekend, coming back on Monday.
Ex H refuses to buy uniform to keep at his house.
He feels hard done to because he has to pay child support.

And you think OP is inflexible?!

He's a walking cliche, isn't he! As well as a dick.

Typo

except sitting at home waiting for him to show up or text our dd I don’t know how I’m supposed to be more flexible without completely putting my life on hold.

In fairness if you were any good you'd have had his dinner made for him too and given him some pocket money for minding his own kids 🙄

Some people would literally expect you to put your life on hold because isn't he very good to want to see his kids (but not half the time obviously)! It's madness

He did once tell me he should pay less child support if I wasn’t going to use the car he funds to drop the kids off where and when he wants 😂 I must do better 🤷🏼‍♀️