To think “you are always welcome” is not the same as an invitation?

[Sidebeforeself]

I have invited my best friend to my house many times.Sometimes she can make it, sometimes she cant. That’s fine of course. But when I invite her Im always specific e.g. “ Do you want to come over for a meal, you can stay “ etc and offer some dates.

But she never responds in kind . She just casually says ‘you are always welcome to come to me”. That leaves me feeling it’s up to me to say ‘ can I come on X date?’ Which makes me feel cheeky. Plus if she really wanted me to come she’d offer a specific invitation wouldn’t she?

We also have friends who are a couple who say this to us too. Am I right in thinking this is a half hearted invitation and if they really wanted to see me/us they wold be more specific?

Only you know your friends and your relationship with them. Why not try it and ask if you can visit on X date? Some people I’d say ‘You’re welcome any time’ and genuinely mean it, others I’d rather invite. I do also have a CF friend who booked flights last year without checking dates with me beforehand!

Only you know your friends. Text and say when shall we get together next-give me some dates you can do. When she does, say-you always come to me, shall I come to you this time?

This might just be different styles of communication. Next time she says it, you could reply “lovely- when would suit you?”

Some people plan well in advance, others like to do things more spur of the moment.

I do see what you mean but that puts the onus back on me doesn’t it? To me, “ Why don’t you come and see me.. when are you free?”is inviting a conversation about dates etc .But “ You are always welcome “ is deliberately vague

If I ever say those words exactly, then I mean that in the sense of I don’t want to always come to you. Could it be that’s what she’s hinting?

No I was just using that as an example. We meet up halfway too

Sounds like she's tired of coming to yours and wants you to go to hers.

My former best friends mother said I could always call on them whenever I was in need and to memorise their number. Turns out she didn’t remotely expect it to ever happen and told me unequivocally to fuck off with my hour of need

People don’t always mean what they say is my point.

X post. We meet up for dinner etc half way too .

from my perspective of it’s always to yours or half way that’s still travel time when on the times it’s at yours it’s no travel time at all to you. So in that sense my initial thoughts still stand, sorry!

When I say it, I mean they can come over whenever they like. Literally always welcome. I don't say it very much- very few people have the honour bestowed in them:)

Usually, I say ' you must come over, when are you free in March?'

Sorry I don’t understand what you mean?

When she comes to you she has to travel. When you meet half way she needs to travel. When she comes to you, you stay in your home and you don’t need to travel. So if I was in her position, I’d be saying you can always come to me gently hinting that I’m done doing the legwork to come and see you and you should return the favour.

But when we meet halfway I have to travel! Im totally willing to go see her.. what I mean is it sounds like she doesn’t really want me to go there

Well my mum says this so I just ask her can I come over when I want to. Sometimes she says no as she's tired and wants to sleep and other times she'll tell me to come over. I think it's fine to ask if you are close enough

I am very willing to go see her . My point is when I invite her I pin it down until we agree a date / time etc. But when she invites me it’s left up to me to invite myself if you see what I mean?

sure, but if you strip out the occasions when it’s 50/50, then it leaves the ones where it benefits you solely.

All you can do is arrange to go to her one day - ‘hey, I want to come up to yours for lunch. Let me know what day works’. If you get a great let’s do this day at this time then it’s genuine, if you get a I’ll let you know then you know it’s not.

It is an invitation, just not a specific one.

Maybe she genuinely doesn’t have a specific date/time in mind and is happy for you to go when it suits you, that’s what I would take it to mean and that’s how I would mean it if I was her.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my second baby, free a lot of the time so when friends/family suggest meeting I always say you’re welcome here anytime or can do something else if that suits better. It’s not that I don’t want to see them at all, it’s that I am practically always free & available but understand they have other commitments etc so they can come whenever suits them!

I've got a friend who I have said is always welcome. (Expecting she'll check I'm home and available, rather than just turn up). I say it because I know she's busy and that way she can come when it fits with her timetable. I'd love it if she'd call and say, "Can I come for tea?"

We live 2 hours away from each other so it’s not a drop in situation

You seem fixated on the idea that she can't really mean that she wants you to come to hers, and what people are telling you is that those words do not mean that to everyone.

It could well be a genuine invite that she is making without pressure (i.e. not asking if you'll come in a specific timeframe). Some people have a hard time saying no and/or think direct requests are less accommodating than open ended suggestions. (Personally I much prefer direct communication, but you only have to browse AIBU to see that UK has a big pool of people who find anything above a vague hint almost insulting).

I would respond with something like "yes that would be lovely, when are you thinking?" They've already invited you to theirs, now you're just arranging when 😊

Reading your posts it’s like you’re deliberately being hard work. Friend says ‘you’re always welcome here’ … how do you usually respond to that?