To think “you are always welcome” is not the same as an invitation?

[Sidebeforeself]

I have invited my best friend to my house many times.Sometimes she can make it, sometimes she cant. That’s fine of course. But when I invite her Im always specific e.g. “ Do you want to come over for a meal, you can stay “ etc and offer some dates.

But she never responds in kind . She just casually says ‘you are always welcome to come to me”. That leaves me feeling it’s up to me to say ‘ can I come on X date?’ Which makes me feel cheeky. Plus if she really wanted me to come she’d offer a specific invitation wouldn’t she?

We also have friends who are a couple who say this to us too. Am I right in thinking this is a half hearted invitation and if they really wanted to see me/us they wold be more specific?

I haven’t been to my brothers house for over 8 years but he comes to us about 3 times a year. His invitation is “you’ll have to come over”. Mine is “would you like to come on xx for a bbq”. I prefer he comes to me and so I don’t discuss, what I consider to be, his half hearted offer. However, an acquaintance has recently gone through a difficult time and I found myself asking her if she wanted to come over for a glass of wine, just to let me know. I saw this as an open invitation as she was the one who was working and having to deal with her DHs illness, and would know when she was available. She has never taken me up on the offer.

My point is, your friend is inviting you to hers, you are choosing not to make arrangements.

I would reply back asking if it's ok to visit on x date. I usually let friends pick the date as my circumstances mean I can be flexible. I don't have kids and work with my DH, so it's easy enough for me to swap shifts.

How is responding “ great let me know when suits” refusing to make arrangements?

@Thisisit26 Don’t worry ..I posted in AIBU so I know the rules! I just find it a bit hurtful thats all.My friends approach I mean not AIBU!

I agree OP, always welcome' may not mean anything at all. But if she's a good friend, just ask if you can come for dinner and stay over on one of two Fridays. You'll see from her response if she means it.

Just be more specific. I think she’s trying to get you to take some of the ‘wife work’.

I want to come up in the Easter holidays.
I’ve for a lot of days leave in march
are you free this weekend?

I can see all sides, if I say someone is always welcome I mean it, but I can see how that puts it on them to check I am in/available so if I haven’t seen someone in a while I will invite them directly.

I think it could be one of two situations...

For some reason she prefers not to host, either habit that you meet at yours or elsewhere or she doesn't find hosting easy for whatever reason.

Or its just a miscommunication in style of inviting. I am open to anyone visiting and presume they will let me know when they want to come and then I can say if I'm free.

Its kind of what I learned from my late mum. Its all a bit organic and easy going (I.e "mum would phone- "thinking of coming to yours, Breathmiller on the 20th, are you around?" Neither of us offended by the asking or by any refusal due to other commitments). Its how I work with my family now

But, I have learned over the years that my step mum (and by default my dad because he's a bit useless) prefers a solid invitiation that she can agree to or decline depending on her availability. She would find it rude to ask if she can come to see me on a certain date but I realise now was probably offended that I didn't invite her often. I sort of presumed if she wanted to come she would ask.

I am aware these dynamics can be different in friendships than family though.

She sounds like a friend you enjoy catching up with. Can you perhaps ask if, for example she would like to meet up on the 2nd weekend in April. If she agrees to the date then ask if she would prefer to come to yours, meet up or would she prefer you travel to her? It will maybe trigger an open conversation where she says that she prefers to travel to you or midway. Or maybe she will be delighted that you want to go to her.

It's a bit lazy in some ways I guess, she's saying that not only do you invite her to yours, you also need to invite yourself to hers if you want to go there.
If you didn't invite her specifically, would she still come?

Is it that they would like it a bit more casual both ways, and a more 'drop in whenever' friendship? Or do you suspect that actually it would mean nothing ever got arranged at all?

I can see why you would prefer to be invited.
I can also completely understand many reasons why someone doesn't do those sort of specific invites. I don't like the pressure of inviting people round for things. I would accept specific invitations for others though and not just pop round, if that's how they preferred to see people.

I feel like in my friendships there is no need to "invite" anyone. Like when me and my friend who lives away we juust text that it would be nice to hang out and then there is a natural "your place or mine" discussion without putting the onus on anyone. You can just say "you traveled here the last time, so I can make the trip this time". Then can then decline or accept without you inviting yourself

I don't know that it's deliberately vague. I've said it to people before and I genuinely mean it.
If you want to go and see her, message or call and suggest some dates. If she's vague or puts you off, then you'll know she didn't really mean it If she says, 'Great, the 3rd would be good for me' then you're fine.

"anytime that suits you, suggest a date" is her response.

You clearly have different ways to plan your time, with you being the most organised. I'm the same as your friend - literally anytime will do if we're free, and we're generally free because we don't really plan ahead.

I can't tell you now what I'll do for Easter, or June, or next weekend. I'm happy to make plans if you want to plan ahead. Or not and do something last minute. But it's a genuine invitation.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Were you able to get help elsewhere at all? I hope so.

This is how she is, it’s how many people are, so if you want to go to theirs then you need to be proactive. They won’t change. So suggest dates. No point expecting people to behave exactly as you do, you will be eternally disappointed

When i say your always welcome day or night, I mean exactly that.
No need to call to make an appointment just turn up, stay as long as you need.
However this is only for my 2 close friends and sister.
The rest can piss off.
I have known the above all my life.
Same gose for me from them.

I'm with you OP. People that say 'you're always welcome to come here' but never specifically invite you IME actually don't really enjoy hosting and would prefer you hosted them instead, hosting can be hard work and not everyone likes doing it.

It is a vague none answer to me, having to invite yourself to take her up on her 'offer' is not a very nice feeling, and I probably wouldn't bother unless I knew 100% that I would be welcome whenever, most people say it because they know they should reciprocate but don't really want to, so being vague is the best way to avoid having to do it, you can't assume they genuinely mean it.

The proof would be in how she is when you invite yourself to hers, do you feel completely welcome? I've got family members like this and they aren't particularly welcoming if you invite yourself so I don't bother anymore unless officially 'invited' to something, which is extremely rare. But if she enjoys hosting you then maybe she's just bad at being pro-active.

@CreamolaFoam26

I was thank you, I’d had a long held gnawing feeling that I wasn’t who she wanted for her daughters best friend but I ignored it. I have form for ignoring my instincts and telling myself I’m being silly to my cost actually!

You have not said that you have said “ great let me know when suits” and she’s responded. The ball is in your court.

Oh, and I didn’t say you are refusing, I said you are choosing not to. Very different imo.

I tend to agree with this too.

My parents are similar - never put in any effort to actually organise a plan, the onus is always on me. That is what is hard work IMO.

I feel like "you're always welcome," is something she wouldn't say unless she meant it ?

Sometimes people like to make offers that they don't mean, to make themselves feel better. I have seen this, and when you take them up, there is a rapid backtrack. You know your friend best though.

Thanks all. I think what is behind it is she works full time and i do not so she probably thinks I have more headspace to organise stuff. But I have a busy life too. Plus I initiate invites to me ( and make sure they happen) and I always organise the halfway meetings , so I guess I’d like her to reciprocate. I think the next time she says it I think I’ll say “ So invite me then! Give me some dates and times and let’s sort it”.

You should, just be direct. Tell her that when she says you're always welcome and leaves it at that it's ambiguous for you and that you don't want to put her on the spot by asking to come over

I think your reply to your friend is perfect!

I think some people genuinely mean it. I like to schedule meeting friends for coffee etc even at my house. However one of my best friends says I am always welcome at any time and if the back door it means she is in.