To think “you are always welcome” is not the same as an invitation?

[Sidebeforeself]

I have invited my best friend to my house many times.Sometimes she can make it, sometimes she cant. That’s fine of course. But when I invite her Im always specific e.g. “ Do you want to come over for a meal, you can stay “ etc and offer some dates.

But she never responds in kind . She just casually says ‘you are always welcome to come to me”. That leaves me feeling it’s up to me to say ‘ can I come on X date?’ Which makes me feel cheeky. Plus if she really wanted me to come she’d offer a specific invitation wouldn’t she?

We also have friends who are a couple who say this to us too. Am I right in thinking this is a half hearted invitation and if they really wanted to see me/us they wold be more specific?

I think that’s unfair. I’m not after a gold embossed invitation! I usually just say something like “ great let me know when suits” .. and then she never follows up

TBH - and this may not be what is going on with your friend, OP - there are people to whom I’ll say ‘you’re always welcome’, as a vague expression of fondness and kind of a platitude, and there are others I’ll specifically invite.

People in the first category tend to be people I am fond of and feel a loyalty to but are slightly hard work, and I have to have be well topped up in terms of patience and energy to spend an extended period of time with them without an exit plan.

People in the second category are those whose company feels easy and enjoyable, enlivening rather than draining, and I am eager to make plans to see them.

It might just be a communication mismatch and in that case when she says you're always welcome just respond with a day you're available. If she's insincere nothing will get planned but if she means it you'll finally get to hang out at her house.
I get it seems rude to invite yourself but many etiquette rules are not as universal as you think and she might think it's equally rude that you never suggest visiting her home while arranging things.

I don’t think she’s putting you off. Test it by suggesting her place next time you agree a time to meet up. Say, ‘I could either come to yours for a takeaway or we could meet at x restaurant’ and see what she says. If she chooses the restaurant without clear reason then maybe she doesn’t like having people over.

I’d see these exchanges a bit differently..

I have quite a few long distance friendships. I think the ‘travelling to’ see someone is the bigger burden.. so if a friend keeps initiating meetings at their house but not offering to reciprocate I’d find it tricky. I look back at some friendships over the last 5 years and realise I have predominantly travelled to them and it feels unsustainable and ocassionally like it’s an expectation that I’ll do the travelling.

In these relationships though I’ve usually tried to suggest coming to mine or even suggesting a date and then it’s either become tumbleweed or there was a cancellation from them etc.

if you make a suggestion maybe it’s tricky for her to come back and say she wants to meet at hers, hence the vague wording?

Yeah, I got the:
"You can tag along, if you want to."
I didn't.

And I'm phasing her out.

i say that to my friends as it’s literally always true, I’m always at home and bored alone in the evenings and would love fhem
to call and pop over for a cuppa or wine. Some spontaneously do when they’re at lose end. To put a commited date in the diary I feel I would need to be in proper hostess mode and cook dinner etc to summon them to me. Whereas if they call and ask to pop in then I don’t feel pressure to hostess.

It’s not unfair because you could quite easily suggest a date or a few dates or tell her when you were thinking and then maybe a date can be set. Instead you’re refusing to do that because you can’t see the offer for what it is… an invite round

Ps I gave a friend who lives by the seaside who says I’m always welcome. I wanted to see her last summer so I told her some dates that could work and we agreed. She is generally free most weekends as they don’t know many people in their town so that’s why she gave me an open invite rather than a date.
i have other friends who have guests or visit people nearly every weekend. They send actual dates as they have so few free.
it just goes with different styles of feeling able to tolerate spontaneity/ hosting mode and how busy people are

Why don’t you say great how about next weekend when she next says it?

But you're being as vague as she is!

You need to be more specific and suggest an actual date. If you don't it'd never going to happen.

You sound like hard work, to be honest. Do you have a habit of over thinking things? Sort it out, or don't. Stop giving it so much head space though.

I agree with you op . You do not sound like hard work by the way . You’re always welcome is passive . It might signal goodwill but it puts all the planning and initiative onto you. No effort or intent on their part at all .

Give them a few dates ask if they suit and take it from there.

Just offer a date. When I moved to London 25yrs ago, I told everyone they were welcome anytime, and they all initiated and gave me dates, which was fine, they know when they are free. Now I am moving again, and a few people have said let me know if you’re open for visitors, and again i’ve said you’re welcome anytime. I’ll leave it to them to contact me if they fancy a visit. Just say shall I come to you next time, and see what her response is. She may be more than happy to host, but hasn't offered. It is a lot of work to host, if your house isn’t visitor standard.

So you think they are being vague but so are you? so wouldn't it be easier to actually communicate with them?

Well either she has a different invite technique or she doesn’t want you to come really.
The way to solve this is-
Say ‘shall we meet up? When are you free?’ When you agree a date say ‘why don’t I come to you for a change?’

if she says no /makes an excuse she doesn’t want visitors

I think it depends on your relationship… with my best friend ‘you’re welcome any time’ really means that for both of us. We’ll normally text to check immediately before but it’s more like ‘shall we cook tonight?’ ‘Yeah be round at 7’. There’s no formal inviting and who’s doing the hosting balances out roughly

I get what you mean OP, "welcome any time" sounds to me like "we must catch up" or "let me know if you need anything", without specifics they are brush off phrases not meant to be followed up on.

But if she is happy mainly coming to yours or meeting halfway, just leave it at that.

Are you generally much busier? She might phrase it as an open invite because your diary is harder to juggle.

Next time you’d like to pop over drop her a message a few days before and say “Are you free for a visitor on X? 😃”
And then when you do see her in person next just say you are clearly more of a planner than she is which is totally fine but could you set something in stone a few weeks in advance in future so you have something on the calendar.
I have planner friends, they’re just exceptionally busy people and genuinely book up. So although I’m more spontaneous I’m happy to pencil them in to make sure meet happens. In other words: talk to her!

I agree with you and think she is a user. I had a friend like this, it was always 'oh you must come to us next time' without ever offering a specific invitation. I used to say 'I'd love that' or 'thanks a lot, let me know when is good' etc etc. but the specific invitation never followed up and I simply stopped inviting her to mine. We are perfectly friendly still but not friends any more. It cannot always be on me.

Try pinning your friend down on a date. My feeling is that she will make excuses or cancel as it approaches. Or just not be willing to fix a specific time.

I have a friend who says that. But her WFH home days and office days change every week. So I can’t possibly just pop in, I never know if she’s there! So really what it means is ‘I can’t be bothered to sort out dates and times, you do the organising bit for me.’

I’d love it if she just invited me for a specific day but she never does. And gets sad I don’t go over much!

I put yabu, but actually it depends on the person... I have good friends where we absolutely say "welcome any time" and will both request specific dates to see the other, because we are busy, and have the same relaxed mindset (it's a much easier and more positive relationship overall).

Then I have other friends who are weirder and more uptight (and vice versa, I am about them as a result lol) and we both say the same "welcome whenever" thing...but it doesn't have quite the same free and easy connotations. It doesn't happen so freely at all.

I think, if you sense on some level it's half arsed, then it is, she is being half arsed and doesn't prioritise you. But you can only change your own behaviour, so pull back a bit and invest more into more reliable friendships? I've done this and it has vastly improved my happiness and self worth.

In typical mn fashion all the first page is arguing the opposite! I know exactly what you mean @Sidebeforeself . We host a lot and people are more than happy to come and we enjoy it so they clearly want to spend time with is .
We obviously invite with a suggested date as we mean to invite them .
Of course it’s awkward to have to follow up a general request with “but when exactly, what dates suit you , what about ..” it feels like you are inviting yourself and it also sounds like it!!
But I agree with pp maybe it’s a good idea to actually do it and see if they mean it . I actually did this once , we had a couple friend with two kids who’ve often stayed and of course it’s a lot of work , beds , food etc but we make an effort as we think that’s only right as hosts and to maintain a friendship. We always get a general “welcome anytime “, so what are we to do then, “oh when then , specifically, let me get my calendar “ 😂😂😂 They’d probably just fob you off with a “I’ll contact you and we’ll work it out”.
Anyway I tried this with the couple who have stayed with us a lot (so 4 people in total, we are 5 in total). So when the “welcome anytime “ , I actually did the whole “we are off midterm this date , does this weekend etc suit you “ and it was awkward as they definitely didn’t expect it and then we were cancelled on and then told the house was a bit small but we could camp if we wanted to (winter ) 😂😂😂. No…..
The reality is a lot of people don’t want the hassle and work as it is but still like to do stuff. We like hosting but saying back “welcome anytime “ is just as way of feeling as those you’ve invited back but you haven’t. Absolutely try what people have suggested (it is awkward as hell in reality despite what posters are saying here ) literally say “when, what date suits “?! There’s instagram reels where a comedian does this “let me know if you need a lift -I need one now actually “ 😂😂😂

Just flush it out. Next time you are arranging to meet say ‘shall I come to you this time?’

Sorted.