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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ds overstepped by showing his brother how to shave

96 replies

YellowstonePilot · 02/03/2026 19:07

I have 2 boys 20 and 12 (13 next month), DP isn't eldest bio dad but he's been in his life since age 3 and he doesn't see his bio dad as he was abusive. He calls DP dad and when he turned 18 he changed his last name to DP’s. He always wanted dp to adopt him but unfortunately he couldn't die to his dad being on the BC and having PR. That was the only problem, I know DP happily would've and he doesn't treat the boys any differently

He takes eldest to watch football with him (youngest doesn't care for football) and he was really supportive when DS was struggling mentally as a teen and those years were HARD. They do clash as they're both as stubborn as each other and refuse to back down/admit they're wrong something that does bother me and I generally leave them to it as I know what they both are like. Eldest has ADHD and autism (diagnosed) and I heavily suspect DP is autistic (as does MIL)

He doesn't feel he needs a diagnosis as it wouldn't change anything. All fine but they are very similar as I said

My eldest didn't shave until he was 15, he started puberty quite late and DP showed him (and spent about a year doing it for him), my youngest however has a deeper voice, is already quite tall and had a noticeable moustache

I was in hospital from the 20th of Feb until yesterday so I reckon DP was just stressed but I can't get over how he spoke to my eldest. My youngest was the one who phoned the ambulance for me and last week he hit someone at school so he's also having a tough time (he never has hit anyone or even misbehaved at school in the past).

I'm resting at home now, my eldest home and youngest wasnt at school. They usually
hang out together in one of their rooms and at their ages I didn't need to go and check on them. This afternoon at some point youngest asked eldest about shaving i don't think he directly asked him to show him but eldest needed a shave so showed him. Personally I have no problem with it and I don't think he needed anyone’s permission except youngest of course as it's his face

dp got home and went mad at eldest and accused him of over stepping, he had a huge rant at him and accused him of making ds hit that child last week as he always told him to hit people when he was being mad fun of (youngest always said no) and said if he loses his place at his grammar school its on him (I doubt he will as while it's a very prestigious private grammar school, ds got in on a bursery and this is the only time he's misbehaved)

Eldest is also gay and a few years ago he thought he was bi and youngest started saying he was bi too (he was about 9), we left him to it as he could be but also he could've wanted to be like his brother. Until tonight when DP brought that up saying how he was too young to be saying that and how he's too young to shave and he needs to be allowed to be a kid

He was quite harsh and news going on about it now. AIBU or is he right in that eldest did over step?

OP posts:
Tacohill · 02/03/2026 19:11

YANBU DH sounds like a massive twat.
Of course youngest DS is going to look up to his older brother and want to see how he does things.

I hope this is a one off and if so then I’d put it down to being over stressed about you being in hospital and not sleeping over it.

UpsyDaisysarmpit · 02/03/2026 19:12

Yes! On the face of it , totally overreacting. Is he very stressed out due to recent events? Still not ok . Big brother was just trying to help.

bitterexwife · 02/03/2026 19:12

Wow, way to show your eldest where is in the family… nice one DP!
eldest was being a good big brother with the shaving thing, and I’m not surprised he said ‘hit back’ as he’s the older brother. It’s the parents responsibility to ensure younger one doesnt hit kids at school.
Team DS here

KarmenPQZ · 02/03/2026 19:12

I don’t think eldest overstepped here if his brother was asking him general questions about shaving it was logical for eldest to offer.

but perhaps he could have handled it more sensitively I guess you’re hinting by saying DH only has 1 true bio son perhaps it’s revealing some feelings that it was more important for DH to show youngest how to do it?

I thinks he’s making a big hoohaa over nothing tho. If someone’s gonna deal with my daughter’s first period I’d just say thank you and move on.

even if DH is upset / put out he handled it badly and he should keep his feelings to himself and be happy his sons support each other.

Arlanymor · 02/03/2026 19:14

To get down to brass tacks…

Younger brother asked older brother about shaving and older brother let him observe him shaving? And your partner thinks this is overstepping? It’s called being a sibling actually and regardless of whether your partner thinks the younger boy is too young, when children asks questions the right thing to do is to answer them - ideally in the moment.

But this whole thing about not being able to mention to his younger brother that he is gay? That is really disturbing and is actually discrimination. It also often comes from latent homophobia. I think you need a serious chat with your partner. And as if a nearly 13 year old doesn’t know what it is - he’s in puberty, sexuality is probably 50% of what he thinks about and is talked about at school!

You’ll notice I’ve not used ‘DP’ because from, what you’ve outlined he’s not being remotely D… unless it stands for dickhead of course.

MidnightPatrol · 02/03/2026 19:14

Younger sibling asks older sibling for advice… where’s the over step?

JackGrealishsCalves · 02/03/2026 19:14

I think your dp is over-reacting tbh.
My ds once told us he watched a YT video to learn how to shave (he didn't have a lot to shave!)
The gay/bi and grammar school bit thrown in confused me but looks like younger ds looks up to his brother and his comments about sexuality don't sound like older brothers doing

Whydidyougothere · 02/03/2026 19:16

I'm going to give your DP a fair leeway here, as it sounds like it's been an upsetting and worrying couple of weeks. All 3 of them will have been worried for you, heightened emotions and for your eldest I assume your his safe person so there will have been some low level dysregulation. Would also explain unusual behaviour from your younger DS. Please remind your DP that especially by 13, we are all responsible for our own choices even IF someone tells us to do something. He chose to hit the child at school, DS1 wasn't over his shoulder forcing him to.

Your DP is being out of order bringing up your DS being gay, and it is common for younger siblings to question themselves as they have the logic of I came from the same parents, live the same life etc. plus until they actually hit puberty won't have fully understood any sexuality.
It's a lovely bond your DS' have and it sounds like DP is sad he missed an important milestone as he experienced with older DS.

So yes your DP is hugely overreacting and being harsh to DS1, but if he's usually a loving kind father I'd be inclined to think everyone needs a sit down and debrief of the last 2 weeks together.

Mumofteenandtween · 02/03/2026 19:22

I actually think that an older brother showing a younger brother how to shave is really lovely.

I would have loved an older sister that I could ask all my silly questions about periods.

itsgettingweird · 02/03/2026 19:23

I don’t think eldest overstepped.

im a LP and ds doesn’t see his father.

my dad and my younger brother often step in and support ds either because I’ve requested or because ds requests it or sometimes because they recognise a need for a male role model.

It has never occurred to me that someone supporting my ds through loving him should ask my opinion first!

MrThorpeHazell · 02/03/2026 19:24

Your DH is a piece of work OP. Totally out-of-order. Your eldest DS did nothing wrong.

Watchoutfortheslowaraf · 02/03/2026 19:33

So he shouted horrible things to him when he was just trying to be a good big brother? Wow. Your DH is a twat.

Arlanymor · 02/03/2026 19:35

Watchoutfortheslowaraf · 02/03/2026 19:33

So he shouted horrible things to him when he was just trying to be a good big brother? Wow. Your DH is a twat.

(Not the purpose of this thread, but your username gave me a really big grin!)

IfWhippetsRuledTheWorld · 02/03/2026 19:36

Your DP doesn't sound very nice. I think he's overstepping to be telling your eldest the ways in which is acceptable for him to be a big brother. He doesn't need your DP's permission to teach his little brother things. That makes it almost sound like he feels threatened by them being close and resents your eldest?

Hope you feel better soon

SALaw · 02/03/2026 19:36

Is your partner always so awful?

ApplebyArrows · 02/03/2026 19:38

His brother is literally the closest male blood relative he has in his life. Sounds like DP is jealous, and very unreasonably so.

BauhausOfEliott · 02/03/2026 19:38

Your DP sounds insane to me.

Original poster
YellowstonePilot · 02/03/2026 19:39

DS1 came out to myself and DP at 15 initially as bi, DP was fine at the time and supportive especially as we realized a lot of DS’s mental health struggles was sort of did to him struggling with being attracted to men including more than 1 suicide attempt and self harm (not just because of that reason but it did contribute) younger DS knew at some point and one day he asked older DS if he liked girls and boys, he said he didn't know and younger DS said he liked both and he was bisexual. He was 9 so we all took it with a pinch of salt and didn't correct him or anything and at school he was saying it

Except that was years ago, he's now in secondary school and hasn't mentioned liking boys for year's, he had a “gf” (just a friend) and he was telling us about how he had a crush on a girl from his cadets so I don't know why DP is bringing it up now and if he is bi its not because of my eldest either

And as for the “hit him” comment, DS2 was bullied toward the end of primary school and in secondary school a few boys have been making comments about his hearing aid and that's when eldest makes that comment. He wasn't a model student in school, he was put on report and in the last few months he didn't go at all but he now has a job he loves and he's doing well, he just struggled in education especially with his MH. But youngest is the opposite, very academic and never in trouble let alone violent so it was out of character to hit someone so it feels like DP is blaming eldest for saying it especially because he truly would've hit someone (and did)

OP posts:
simpledeer · 02/03/2026 19:40

DH is totally out of order and should apologise to both boys.

youalright · 02/03/2026 19:41

I actually think its lovely he showed his little brother how to shave. Your husband owes your son a massive apology

Aquarius91 · 02/03/2026 19:42

Your older son sounds like a lovely big brother.
Your husband is totally out of order.

Hereforthecommentz · 02/03/2026 19:43

Well you youngest is resposible for his own actions it's not your eldest fault. If he hit in self defence he's done nothing wrong and it sounds like his big brother doesn't want his little brother being taking advantage of. That's being a decent brother if you ask me. He's helped him when your son asked for advice re shaving. The bi thing I agree with your dp on. 9 is way too young to be saying he's bi, they don't really understand what it means and he probably was just copying big bro but you just ignore it, like you did and it will resolve itself. It's a non issue really. He sounds completely OTT here. I feel a bit sorry for your eldest all he's tried to do is help!!

BudgetBuster · 02/03/2026 19:44

I'd actually be very proud of the bond the brothers clearly have. That bond could only have formed through the good parenting you and DH have done with them both! You seem to think your DH has done a good job so far in helping raise your boys...

Today he was a complete TWAT and totally out of order. I would have a chat with him in the hopes he's just a bit stressed from your stint in the hospital.

BillieWiper · 02/03/2026 19:48

To me it seems nice and normal for brothers to do that. Teaching someone how to safely shave their face seems sensible. He may have little to no facial hair but I don't see what's wrong with it.

Women don't tend to shave their faces so it's good a boy has a male role model to show him how.

wrongthinker · 02/03/2026 19:49

I think your DH was well out of order, OP. But I'd talk to him about it and hear him out. He might have been upset because he was looking forward to taking that role of showing your youngest how to shave. But it sounds like he was casting around for things to say to hurt your eldest, which is obviously not okay.

I would wait until everyone is calm and then have a conversation with your husband about it. He owes everyone an apology, in my opinion. If he doubles down on his comments, I think you have a bigger problem.