Ds overstepped by showing his brother how to shave

[YellowstonePilot]

I have 2 boys 20 and 12 (13 next month), DP isn't eldest bio dad but he's been in his life since age 3 and he doesn't see his bio dad as he was abusive. He calls DP dad and when he turned 18 he changed his last name to DP’s. He always wanted dp to adopt him but unfortunately he couldn't die to his dad being on the BC and having PR. That was the only problem, I know DP happily would've and he doesn't treat the boys any differently

He takes eldest to watch football with him (youngest doesn't care for football) and he was really supportive when DS was struggling mentally as a teen and those years were HARD. They do clash as they're both as stubborn as each other and refuse to back down/admit they're wrong something that does bother me and I generally leave them to it as I know what they both are like. Eldest has ADHD and autism (diagnosed) and I heavily suspect DP is autistic (as does MIL)

He doesn't feel he needs a diagnosis as it wouldn't change anything. All fine but they are very similar as I said

My eldest didn't shave until he was 15, he started puberty quite late and DP showed him (and spent about a year doing it for him), my youngest however has a deeper voice, is already quite tall and had a noticeable moustache

I was in hospital from the 20th of Feb until yesterday so I reckon DP was just stressed but I can't get over how he spoke to my eldest. My youngest was the one who phoned the ambulance for me and last week he hit someone at school so he's also having a tough time (he never has hit anyone or even misbehaved at school in the past).

I'm resting at home now, my eldest home and youngest wasnt at school. They usually
hang out together in one of their rooms and at their ages I didn't need to go and check on them. This afternoon at some point youngest asked eldest about shaving i don't think he directly asked him to show him but eldest needed a shave so showed him. Personally I have no problem with it and I don't think he needed anyone’s permission except youngest of course as it's his face

dp got home and went mad at eldest and accused him of over stepping, he had a huge rant at him and accused him of making ds hit that child last week as he always told him to hit people when he was being mad fun of (youngest always said no) and said if he loses his place at his grammar school its on him (I doubt he will as while it's a very prestigious private grammar school, ds got in on a bursery and this is the only time he's misbehaved)

Eldest is also gay and a few years ago he thought he was bi and youngest started saying he was bi too (he was about 9), we left him to it as he could be but also he could've wanted to be like his brother. Until tonight when DP brought that up saying how he was too young to be saying that and how he's too young to shave and he needs to be allowed to be a kid

He was quite harsh and news going on about it now. AIBU or is he right in that eldest did over step?

Partner has overstepped the mark, not son!
Partner taking personal frustrations out on the eldest, which is wrong. It's like kicking the cat.
Btw, 15 isn't late to start shaving - I was 16 before I needed it. Nobody ever showed me as such, I'd seen my dad do it, and worked out that TV adverts were over-dramatic. You just have a go! But it was good of your eldest to show the younger one.
Certainly nobody ever did it for me for a year - that is very strange!

Are you going to address his tantrum ? Everything he has said is an excuse, when an apology is required. (DH not son.)

Perhaps your DH should have taken the initiative and shown his son how to shave. My DS needed to shave at 13. I mean he really did grow a beard! He was shown how to shave by his dad, because quite frankly it looked awful. Your DH is behaving like a pratt.

I thought the title was truncated on my phone and would end with "...the cat"

Your partner feels threatened by your eldest son as he has become older. Very common. He needs to get the fuck over it or leave. Despicable behaviour from a grown man.

I agree with pp that your partner owes both children an apology

But how is it relevant? I am not being difficult it's just that it seems like you are trying to paint a picture and I wondered why. Why not just say eldest showed youngest how to shave, dp who is youngest's father but not eldest's father, was angry at him. I am trying to get at how you feel about it all because it all sounds chaotic and like you are getting lost in all the chaos around you. You have three males around you who seem to be dominating everything. I would say it's time for you to be more assertive and clear.

I don’t think the grammar school/gay or bi thing is relevant in the slightest!

Your son asked his brother for help shaving because you were in hospital and his dad was busy. Your older son helped.

your husband is being a total twat here and needs to apologise.

the two of them as brothers having a conversation about shaving is absolutely none of dp business,

Your DP is out of order here. Your older son let his younger brother watch him shave, surely that is normal between brothers. Your dp owes both sons an apology and also to you.

Absolutely non of that excuses a grown man kicking off and being absolutely despicable and hateful to someone he supposedly considers a son. None of it. Is he going to apologise to your eldest?

dp got home and went mad at eldest and accused him of over stepping, he had a huge rant at him and accused him of making ds hit that child last week as he always told him to hit people when he was being mad fun of (youngest always said no) and said if he loses his place at his grammar school its on him

Not sure what is happening. Is DP jealous over a little sibling bonding? It all sounds pretty harmless. At least neither of the boys had to learn shaving from watching YouTube like my poor kid whose dad never had much time for him. Best of luck 🍀 🤞

All the background is unnecessary.

Instead of just being quietly disappointed, he has take a nice moment between brothers and had a tantrum about his toys being taken away and dirtied the memory of something very minor for everyone over absolutely nothing. Worse actually, he's had a tantrum over something that would have been nice for them, all because it wasn't his.

Amazing. Hero. Definitely someone who should be having more more kids....

We have a similar set up, boys with similar age gap and DH is DS1’s step dad. Like you, he’s grown up with him as his Dad, close etc.

DS1 is a fab big brother to DS2, and TBH if this happened in our house I would be absolutely furious with DH.

Agree with this -

OP’s H is a prize dick head for this behaviour ….
what a horrible bigot he is -

tell the older son he sounds lovely and the step dad is the problem

Your dp sounds insecure and childish. I’d be looking at him wondering who the hell he is.

I agree with the other posters. The boys get on, your DH has been a very supportive father to both boys up until now. Your DH is being very immature over the shaving, but blaming DS1 if DS2 does not get into Grammar is off the scale in my opinion. You don’t need to hear lame excuses from DH you need to make it clear this assertion is not true and that these kind of family breaking comments are not welcome in your household. Do not pretend this has not happened, stop it now.

Please divorce DH, sounds completely unbearable.

Your eldest son sounds like he was trying to help his brother, and with something like shaving. Letting him watch was really kinda sweet of him TBH, he obviously cares about other DS. Your husband probably is jealous that your DS went to his brother and not him, it's an ego problem.

The whole gay comments are a bit unrelated, though remember LGBT and Autism/ADHD are often linked. If they are both neurodivergent, this could up the chances of them both being gay or bi. Which obviously isn't an issue, 9 is a little young, but by 14-15, I would say it's pretty clear at that point.

Lovely brothers with great bond and DP has tantrum

hope you’re recovering well OP x

I think your husband was unconsciously really looking forward to the bonding time he would have with his son when it came to shaving. He helped your son shave for almost a year and that must’ve made him feel very close so I guess he was thinking he will gain that closeness with his own son when the time comes he was triggered and reacted badly. I think if you explain this to your son he might understand some of his stepfather’s feelings and not take it so badly then have a conversation with your husband about some of the inappropriate things he said to your son and that that is totally an utterly unacceptable.

Your P is full of excuses and everything he's said is very 'me me me'. How is he going to address how he has treated your 2 sons and what's going to be different going forwards @YellowstonePilot ?