Ds overstepped by showing his brother how to shave

[YellowstonePilot]

I have 2 boys 20 and 12 (13 next month), DP isn't eldest bio dad but he's been in his life since age 3 and he doesn't see his bio dad as he was abusive. He calls DP dad and when he turned 18 he changed his last name to DP’s. He always wanted dp to adopt him but unfortunately he couldn't die to his dad being on the BC and having PR. That was the only problem, I know DP happily would've and he doesn't treat the boys any differently

He takes eldest to watch football with him (youngest doesn't care for football) and he was really supportive when DS was struggling mentally as a teen and those years were HARD. They do clash as they're both as stubborn as each other and refuse to back down/admit they're wrong something that does bother me and I generally leave them to it as I know what they both are like. Eldest has ADHD and autism (diagnosed) and I heavily suspect DP is autistic (as does MIL)

He doesn't feel he needs a diagnosis as it wouldn't change anything. All fine but they are very similar as I said

My eldest didn't shave until he was 15, he started puberty quite late and DP showed him (and spent about a year doing it for him), my youngest however has a deeper voice, is already quite tall and had a noticeable moustache

I was in hospital from the 20th of Feb until yesterday so I reckon DP was just stressed but I can't get over how he spoke to my eldest. My youngest was the one who phoned the ambulance for me and last week he hit someone at school so he's also having a tough time (he never has hit anyone or even misbehaved at school in the past).

I'm resting at home now, my eldest home and youngest wasnt at school. They usually
hang out together in one of their rooms and at their ages I didn't need to go and check on them. This afternoon at some point youngest asked eldest about shaving i don't think he directly asked him to show him but eldest needed a shave so showed him. Personally I have no problem with it and I don't think he needed anyone’s permission except youngest of course as it's his face

dp got home and went mad at eldest and accused him of over stepping, he had a huge rant at him and accused him of making ds hit that child last week as he always told him to hit people when he was being mad fun of (youngest always said no) and said if he loses his place at his grammar school its on him (I doubt he will as while it's a very prestigious private grammar school, ds got in on a bursery and this is the only time he's misbehaved)

Eldest is also gay and a few years ago he thought he was bi and youngest started saying he was bi too (he was about 9), we left him to it as he could be but also he could've wanted to be like his brother. Until tonight when DP brought that up saying how he was too young to be saying that and how he's too young to shave and he needs to be allowed to be a kid

He was quite harsh and news going on about it now. AIBU or is he right in that eldest did over step?

@YellowstonePilot This is all very weird. How is helping someone with shaving overstepping? Why would that be overstepping? I am really confused.

You’re seeing your husband’s true feelings towards your son.

I feel sorry for your son, he was just doing a lovely brotherly thing.

Please do what seems to be non-existent these days put your children first

DH sounds like a dickhead
Haven’t read the whole thread but hopefully you’ve told him he is being a dickhead.
Protect your son

dp got home and went mad at eldest and accused him of over stepping, he had a huge rant at him and accused him of making ds hit that child last week as he always told him to hit people when he was being mad fun of (youngest always said no) and said if he loses his place at his grammar school its on him (I doubt he will as while it's a very prestigious private grammar school, ds got in on a bursery and this is the only time he's misbehaved)

Eldest is also gay and a few years ago he thought he was bi and youngest started saying he was bi too (he was about 9), we left him to it as he could be but also he could've wanted to be like his brother. Until tonight when DP brought that up saying how he was too young to be saying that and how he's too young to shave and he needs to be allowed to be a kid

Your partner is homophobic and acting like a complete ass to your kids and they deserve an apology.

He's trying to split the bond between your sons. He doesn't want his son turning out like your older one says his true view of your older son.

Blaming youngest possibly expelled on your oldest is ridiculous. He's looking for shit to throw on your eldest.

You've ignored the clashes between your partner and your eldest and now it's escalated to the point where you can't just hide from it anymore.

You've got a giant partner problem.

He taught the boy to shave. It’s more usual for dad to do that. He may have been looking forward to being the dad he himself didn’t have. To do all the father son stuff he missed out on.

See I wouldn’t have assumed it was an issue but would have understood my DP being upset about it. It’s like the child’s first haircut when mil or ex does it without mum. People always back mum then.

"AIBU or is he right in that eldest did over step?"

I don't understand the question. Not an either/or.

Elder son did not overstep.

Partner IsBU

Sure but the homophobia? The whingeing and whining about his complaints when his partner is ill?
He’s being a dickhead

I totally get you except he didnt have to behave like a twat

I don't know what rules on beards / shaving are at school are likely to be, but your younger son needs to be able to comply with them. And he needs to be able to follow the unwritten social rules about beards/ shaving too. So if he's growing facial hair he's not too young.

Your partner's difficulty with change has to take second place - it's another instance like being sad about a child starting school / moving into secondary school.

Life isn’t a Gillette commercial. If he’s wanted to teach him, he should have done it. He could do it now if he wanted- I’m sure there is still lots to learn. But not teaching him because he’s “too young” by some arbitrary standard despite the fact he has facial hair, so that the son has to ask his brother for help instead, and then losing his rag at the brother instead- that’s really poor.

Lots of things have to be done before they are needed.

Such as conversations about road safety, masturbation, shaving, sex, body odour, unwanted pregnancy and menstruation.

If you wait until after they are needed you have left it too late.

Sounds like your man doesn't really see your son as his son

He wouldn't have the same reaction if he did.

So your son already attempted suicide 1 time.
I can’t stop thinking about that.
The way your husband treated him, I’d be looking out for attempt #2.

It’s the little things, @YellowstonePilot
not the big ones.

Trust me - I know. ❤️

Your DP sounds awful.
I can't believe he told a kid with a history of suicide attempts, that it's all his fault if his little brother gets kicked out of school.

Shaving is hardly an endearing or significant father-son activity. It's only shaving.

When I asked for instructions, my dad literally took 15 seconds to say "shave down your face in this direction. Below your chin, you will want to shave up, which is 'against the grain'."

That's all it was. Being given an instruction on how to shave is as mundane and insignificant as asking a stranger for directions in the street.

I feel sad for your older son, that should have been a nice moment, guiding his younger brother. I have a lovely photo of my oldest teaching the youngest how to knot a tie for secondary school. Your 'D' H is being totally out of order talking to him like that.

This
@YellowstonePilot you need to put this homophobic bully in his place. Your boys clearly have a close relationship. What's he thinking? I wouldn't be having any of it. And both boys are at a very tender and crucial age. Poor kids.

Your DP was totally out of order and I think DS1 should be getting a massive apology from him. Sounds like he said some really shitty things to DS that could do long term damage to their relationship unless DP acts properly to mend fences.

I love it when my DC teach each other things. It’s really bonding for them.

I spoke to DP, he spoke to DS2 in the car when he picked him up from cadets and he told him he didn't want to ask him because he was busy looking after me and them and work whereas his brother wasn't busy

DP told me it's just the fact he's grown up so much in the past few months and the child phase is done and its a lot given he's only 34 and most people his age (and mine I'm 36) are just having babies or have young children and he doesn't feel old enough to have a teen and an adult child and tbf neither do i

I'm against another as we had a loss and I think it is on his mind because we’d have a nearly 3yo now. Last summer we also had a pregnancy scare and a false positive and he did get his hopes up (I sorta did too though just for a second )

Youngest was also 6 weeks early and then was a really unwell with meningitis as a baby and I could potentially have another prem baby and also I don't want a 13+ year age gap between youngest and a new baby I think we’d be mad

Re shaving I'm sure dp will show ds at some point as he is unlikely to have gotten it first time

You do both understand that these boys are siblings, right? I’m so sorry for your losses but that doesn’t mean that your “d”p gets to take that out on your existing kids! Why is he comparing his age to anyone? Would he rather be having his first kids at 60? I’m so baffled by all of this.

A brother showing his brother how to shave is a GOOD thing it shows a trusting, loving relationship. Your “d”p is behaving like a jealous dickhead and the rest of it about age is pathetic. I had a 15 year old when I was 34, you can’t shove them back in? If he doesn’t feel old enough what does he want to do, give them away and start again with newborns?

@YellowstonePilot

you know your DH & both boys. Don't let posters convince you that your DH has it in for DS1 or has hoodwinked you all these years.

wait until it all calms down then talk to DH. He's probably just stressed with you not being well & the recent school trouble. He's probably just jealous that DS2 asked DS- & not him. We ALL over react at times. Kids are exposed to much more diverse sexualities & things we were not, they're generally much more accepting than our generation. being 'Bi' wouldn't even register as anything worthy of comment.

DH doesn't want his baby boy to grow up & feels DS1 is encouraging him to. He's not and it's all normal but DH is allowed to 'have a moment' occasionally. He should be able to see he was wrong & apologise to DS1 though.

take care of yourself xx

That all sounds stressful but absolutely nothing to do with your partner kicking off about your eldest showing his brother how to shave. Saying you don’t feel old enough to have a teenager is frankly bizarre when you already have a much older child and so the shock of that already happened 6 years ago.

I think you DH owes your oldest a massive apology. He acted like a jealous child. Whilst your last update explains a lot I really hate it when people who are struggling to come to terms with one thing displace their anger and lash out at someone else. He needs to be accountable for his actions.

Your eldest sounds like a lovely older brother, your DH howver is emotionally immature.