My mum died should I see MIL this Mothersday?

[TheZingySheep]

I need a little advice please - my dear mum died a few weeks ago which has obviously been really sad. We've had her birthday quite quickly after that which I managed to go away somewhere meaningful for. Now coming up in quick succession is Mothers Day. I know my husband wants to see his mum and he will take our kids - I've indicated briefly when it first came up that the last thing I'll want to be doing is spending the day with his mum - but understand he should go. He pointed out that leaves me alone. On the face of it I don't mind the idea of that. I'm in the camp that would usually be quite happy to be sent off alone for some me time for M'day rather than feeling it has to be everyone together (husband is usually horrified at the idea I wouldn't want to be with them all day to celebrate... 😂 However a) I'm worried about hurting MIL's feelings/or her thinking I'm being unreasonable for not being there and b) although I feel I would be ok with the alone time to reflect on my own lovely mum (I do appreciate having time alone to do this) will I regret it horribly on the day and be completely miserable?

What have other's done re MIL's on the first one after? It doesn't help that our mum's were the same age so DH is now pretty aware that time with his DM is precious. So I definitely want him to go as I would hate this to be their last one and he didn't see her. To add however we did spend the last MDay whole wkend with her as we'd had to make a choice and had spent my mum's b'day with her... these things are always blinking tricky aren't they 🙄

I would spend the morning with your family then send them out after lunch?? Get some quiet time, it might be difficult emotionally for you. Sorry for your loss x lost my mum 3 years ago and I always find mothers day difficult x

Can you spare an hour for her on mothers day? Pop over for coffee with a card? It shouldn't be too problematic.

I never get my MIL a mothers day card! My husband does though, obviously. I would do as a PP suggested and spend the morning with your children (and DH) and then the afternoon at home. I think your MIL will understand (mine would)

Please don't worry about your mil if she's got any sense or compassion she will fully understand how you feel and why visiting her is off the cards that day.
Your husband should be following your lead on what you want to do.
I'd suggest that you have a nice morning with your dc and then doing what you feel is right for you whether thats staying at home, going out somewhere with your dc and/or your dh or spending time alone.
I'm sorry for your loss

It will be good for you to be able to grieve and have a good cry. It is horrible trying to hold it together for grieving children who are haveing a really difficult time that you need to push through. (My mum died three years ago)

i am sorry for your loss
you are also a mother
is this a joint day?
i would go

or if you dont want to,
stay at home @TheZingySheep

Do you not like your MIL?

You are also a mother so I'd want to spend the day with my children...

OP, sincere condolences in the death of your DM - I know only too well how hard it can be. As far as your dilemma is concerned, your DC will want to spend the day with you, and your DH wants to see his DM with the DC. You are still a family - what would your own DM have thought you should do? I know without a shadow of doubt that mine would have said, “Take the DC to see your MIL”. You don’t in any way diminish your DM’s memory by seeing your MIL, and I’m sure your MIL would very much appreciate seeing you. I’m sure your DH would appreciate it, and you could tell him that you don’t want to stay too long. Do it for your DH and DC.

Its good for children to see you cry too and to cry with you. Its teaching a healthy emotional response. If they dont see you cry they wont want to.

I found all the firsts really brutal after I lost my mum. Stay at home, send the rest of them to see Mil and be kind to yourself. I’d totally understand my Dil not wanting to see me if she’d just lost her mum.

I agree. Mother's Day is about you as well as other mums.

Do whatever feels right for you OP. If you wouldn't feel comfortable going to your MIL's house on your first Mother's Day without your mum, it's fine for you not to go and either stay at home or do something for yourself.

This, with bells on x

I dont think you should go unless you suddenly decide you want to.
I do think your children should do something nice for you before they head off or when they get back or both.
Id expect your MIL to be understanding.

When my mum died it never occured to me not to see my mil we spent time together and laughed about some happy memories

I feel I would be ok with the alone time to reflect on my own lovely mum (I do appreciate having time alone to do this) will I regret it horribly on the day and be completely miserable?

Speaking from experience, this is how I would have felt. Sat in an empty house on Mothers Day would have sent me under massively. Seeing MIL would be a welcome distraction and cheer me up for a couple of hours.

Although I suppose it massively depends on what you're like as a person and what your relationship with your MIL is like...

If she's caring and understanding and you could have an easy, relaxed time with her, I would go along with your DH. I think you'd be glad you did.

I think this is one of those times when you can do what is right for you.

I would spend the morning with your own children and then spend some time on your own, visiting your mum's grave, taking care of yourself whatever that looks like to you. Butbthats what I would do.

Depending on your relationship with your mother in law, I would perhaps speak to her about it beforehand and explain your feelings. Most reasonable people would support you in doing what is right for you. You're not trying to stop your husband from seeing her or taking your children to see her so I don't think there is any unreasonableness.

In your MIL's shoes, I would want to know that you were OK and that you were doing what ti's right for you. You'd be welcome but not expected.

Then the kids should stay home rather than op having to go

I dont think you need to worry about upsetting your MIL by not going.

What do you want to do. Do you want a day to yourself, or to spend time with the children you are mother to? Or a bit of both? Be a bit selfish.

I'm sorry about your Mum 💕

i think you should leave it until the day to decide. DH can make plans to take the DC to see his mum & you can go, or not, depending on how you feel at ffs time. No need to decide now 🌷

remind DH you are not him & if you choose not to go & be alone instead that's YOUR choice & something YOU are happy with.

If I were your MIL I wouldn’t expect to see you after losing your Mum and would expect my son to make the day special for you to distract you.

I think you might regret not spending the day with your own children. I think sometimes younger people feel they need to sacrifice for the older generations, forgetting they could just as easily not be around to see the next Mother’s Day.

Although I can understand the sentiment that you might want to spend the time alone to reflect on your mother, do you think that’s how your mother would have wanted you to spend it?

I think I would be inclined to visit MIL either on the Saturday or a different weekend so that you all still see her, but would spend mother day with your children making new lovely memories for you and your children.

Agree, but as a single parent to autistic kids, they didn't need to see me cry a lot, as they need stability, and I needed to be able to have a good cry without them around and then having to deal with their meltdowns. They needed shopping. Thankfully they were getting fed at exs as he lived closer to school and they went there, but I still needed to get them food for breakfast and lunch etc.