My mum died should I see MIL this Mothersday?

[TheZingySheep]

I need a little advice please - my dear mum died a few weeks ago which has obviously been really sad. We've had her birthday quite quickly after that which I managed to go away somewhere meaningful for. Now coming up in quick succession is Mothers Day. I know my husband wants to see his mum and he will take our kids - I've indicated briefly when it first came up that the last thing I'll want to be doing is spending the day with his mum - but understand he should go. He pointed out that leaves me alone. On the face of it I don't mind the idea of that. I'm in the camp that would usually be quite happy to be sent off alone for some me time for M'day rather than feeling it has to be everyone together (husband is usually horrified at the idea I wouldn't want to be with them all day to celebrate... 😂 However a) I'm worried about hurting MIL's feelings/or her thinking I'm being unreasonable for not being there and b) although I feel I would be ok with the alone time to reflect on my own lovely mum (I do appreciate having time alone to do this) will I regret it horribly on the day and be completely miserable?

What have other's done re MIL's on the first one after? It doesn't help that our mum's were the same age so DH is now pretty aware that time with his DM is precious. So I definitely want him to go as I would hate this to be their last one and he didn't see her. To add however we did spend the last MDay whole wkend with her as we'd had to make a choice and had spent my mum's b'day with her... these things are always blinking tricky aren't they 🙄

I was in your position 4 years ago - first Mother’s Day without my mother. My husband and children spent the morning and early afternoon with me (had a nice breakfast then a walk in the woods nearby to see the daffodils) then they took my (lovely) mother in law out for afternoon tea while I paid a visit to my dad. And he and I took some flowers to my mother’s grave. We continued with similar arrangements in subsequent years. I have a very good relationship with my mother in law. I used to take her out for lunch sometimes and call in to see her independently of my husband; so she was not in the least bit offended.

I hope you find peace and healing.

Exactly!
I lost my mum two years ago and appreciated having some time alone on the day.

Did you enjoy writing that?

I’m really sorry for your loss xx

The first Mother’s Day, the kids brought me breakfast in bed then went to see MIL with DH and I went for a run. Then they came home and we spent the day together quietly.

that was 8 years ago. I still don’t go sometimes if the grief is feeling brutal (sometimes it whacks you out of nowhere!) and my MIL has been nothing but understanding.

I love my MIL very much, and celebrate other occasions with her, but not Mother’s Day. That hurts too much.

You are a mother to your children. Your MIL is their grandmother, not their mother. It is not grandmother's day.
Therefore if you want to spend the day with your children, that is what you should do. DH can of course go and see his mother. But if you are happy for the children to go with DH for all or part of the day, that's fine too.

Basically, DH should see his mother on mother's day. Your children should see you on mother's day.
It's very nice to all get together in a big group sometimes on mother's day, but if it doesn't work for you this year, say so. If MIL is even vaguely decent she will understand perfectly.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen my MIL on Mothers’ Day. I’m quite fond of her, but she’s DH’s mother, not mine.

Sorry for your loss, OP. Do exactly what feels right and best for you.💐

nowhere does this op state she does not like her mill.
her mum dies weeks ago and her grief is still raw.

Not particularly....
It's a legit question. I'm not clear if she likes her MIL or not from the OP.

I must have worded it badly as someone else has their back up over it.

I would want my children with me on mothers day. I think its sadder to be alone.
I also would be more worried about offending my children rather than my mil...

i personally dont understand why OP suggested leaving herself alone other than because dh is set on seeing his mum and she doesnt like her.

if I didnt like my mil (I dont like mine...) I wouldnt be sending my husband and children off th spend the day with them as OP is doing. I would want the children to be with me and do things as a family and Dh sees his mum the day before or breakfast or something if you dont fancy celebrating together.

Grief is non linear and losing your mum is incredibly hard. maybe OP does want space - it wouldnt be what I'd choose and she might regret not spending it with her kids....

OP's mum has just died, and she is happy for her DH and DC to go and spend Mother's Day with MIL, that is very kind and generous of OP. Why does OP need to celebrate her MIL?!

OP, I agree with pp, DH should spend a few hours with MIL and then you and DH and kids have the rest of the day. If you want some alone time, send the kids. If you want your kids with you, DH can go and see MIL alone.

I still have my mum but my lovely dad died, and for the few weeks after I was going through the motiins of being a human being. My husband was amazing but I still wanted to be around for my kids, but it was hard to prioritise what was important and to function on anything more than a basic level. Basically whatever feels right for you, do that.
One idea that very much depends on things like your house and relationships, would be for your husband to invite his mum over on mother's day, and do a meal, then you could join in as much or little as you want, and just have a bath or chill in your room. That does require a normal competant husband and not the Mumsnet ones who can't function independently, and also depends on your relationship with the in laws. If you don't think they'd be empathetic then sack it off.

You should do whatever most makes sense to you. Don't give your MIL a thought - unless she's a psychopath she'll understand how hard this is for you.

When it happened to me, I took myself out to one of my favourite places, a wildlife reserve a few miles away, to just be still with my thoughts. Hearing the birds, seeing the blossom brought me a lot of comfort.

We rarely see mil on Mother’s Day as we are usually doing something as a family (they live a hour away so can’t just pop in) we usually see her the weekend before or after. Like yourself I’ve lost my mum.
if she’s close could dh pop in for an hour and plan rest of day with you

I think you want to spend the day alone from reading your post; perhaps you ca all have brunch at home before sending DH and DC to MIL and maybe plan something just for yourself in the afternoon? Spa? Just a coffee at your favourite spot? Something you’d enjoy and have some quiet time to reflect on your mother.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I think that given your recent loss, it should be entirely up to you what you want to do, and, what you need from your family that day.
If you want to spend half the day with your family, then the other half sending them to MIL's while you do your own thing, then do that.
Personally I think wouldn't really want to be alone with my sadness, so I really don't think it's unreasonable to ask your DH for him to just pop in for a cuppa with his mum, and spend the rest of the day with you, giving extra support at this point in time.

I mean even my XMIL gave me the option of not coming for Xmas last year, due to my mum passing away a few months earlier. She was really empathetic about it, and checked in on how I was feeling coming up to the day.
I would like to think that any decent person would be understanding of that, especially for you with mother's day.

You're allowed to not go OP, regardless of anything else. It's Mother's Day and you're a mum too so I would make sure the day involves you doing something nice with your kids, regardless of whether your DH wants to go see his mum. Maybe you can split the day. The morning for you all as a family, and then in the afternoon DH goes to see his mum. Or vice versa.

Honestly when my mum died the first Mother's Day afterwards was just excruciating. It had been a few months but the pain was just unbearable and I missed her so much. I spent the day listening to her music, going for a walk, and just crying. It was needed and cathartic. The day after she died was Christmas and I had no issues going to see my in laws at all, but Mother's Day (and my birthday) both felt so different.

Do what's best for you. If your MIL gets upset that you want to spend Mother's Day however you wish to when you've just lost your mum then that puts her in a bad light tbh and makes her sound very selfish.

spend time with your own little family then send them all off to Mil’s, if she is a decent person she will understand what a hard day it is for you and not be offended at not seeing you. You have had two of the worst ‘firsts’ while everything is still so raw for you

I’d see how you feel on the day.

It’s often hard to predict how we’re going to feel in these sorts of situations and sometimes you just have to feel your way through. I found grieving was unpredictable and dates I thought I would find hard were fine but then I could’ve blindsided by something I hadn’t given a second thought to.

Theres no right or wrong in this situation, just what makes you feel most comfortable.

I saw my FIL on Father’s Day after my dad died, didn’t cross my mind not to see him as he’s husband’s dad and we love him. Spent most of the day with my siblings and their kids remembering our lovely dad and eating good food.

So sorry to read about your mum, OP. 💐

It's very early days and I would not have been ready to celebrate Mothering Sunday with someone else's mum so soon after. Could your husband and children split their time between you and his mum? She would understand, surely?

I started working in a restaurant after my mum died and found working on Mother's Day hard for many years.

I'd suggest he goes to see her in the morning for a couple of hours and you have your family back with you in the afternoon to do something. Surely mil and dh will be understanding that this one will be hard enough for you as it is.

I’ve never gone to my MILs on mother’s day even since my mum died , likewise for Father’s Day , however my children wouldn’t go to the in-laws either , they’d be wherever I was . Sorry for your loss

I think you could either leave it until the day to decide or, probably an unpopular opinion, I actually think your husband should skip going to see his mum this year. He should go the day before then your little family unit can go out somewhere nice for the whole day.

Do whatever you want! No guilt needed. If she makes a fuss then who cares, you’re grieving and your peace of mind is more important. Sorry for your loss

Did you actually read the OP? OP is grieving and doesn’t feel like “popping over for coffee with a card”🙄

I think it's the fact her mum has died and that may be a bit preoccupying on mothers day?

OP noone sane will think you not going means you dont like her, don't feel you have to go for fear of them being offended or how it looks, they'll understand.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I agree this would be the nicest way to proceed in the circumstances and gives you MIL some time with your husband as well as making space for your sadness.