My mum died should I see MIL this Mothersday?

[TheZingySheep]

I need a little advice please - my dear mum died a few weeks ago which has obviously been really sad. We've had her birthday quite quickly after that which I managed to go away somewhere meaningful for. Now coming up in quick succession is Mothers Day. I know my husband wants to see his mum and he will take our kids - I've indicated briefly when it first came up that the last thing I'll want to be doing is spending the day with his mum - but understand he should go. He pointed out that leaves me alone. On the face of it I don't mind the idea of that. I'm in the camp that would usually be quite happy to be sent off alone for some me time for M'day rather than feeling it has to be everyone together (husband is usually horrified at the idea I wouldn't want to be with them all day to celebrate... 😂 However a) I'm worried about hurting MIL's feelings/or her thinking I'm being unreasonable for not being there and b) although I feel I would be ok with the alone time to reflect on my own lovely mum (I do appreciate having time alone to do this) will I regret it horribly on the day and be completely miserable?

What have other's done re MIL's on the first one after? It doesn't help that our mum's were the same age so DH is now pretty aware that time with his DM is precious. So I definitely want him to go as I would hate this to be their last one and he didn't see her. To add however we did spend the last MDay whole wkend with her as we'd had to make a choice and had spent my mum's b'day with her... these things are always blinking tricky aren't they 🙄

Jesus wept, it's ONE day. Since when was it mandatory, despite what might be going on in your own life, to make seeing a DM or MIL such a crucial aspect?

I would never expect my adult DS's or Step DS's to even consider making a point on seeing me that day!

@TheZingySheep I am so sorry for your loss. You need to consider what is right for you, and you alone in all of this. x

I work Sundays so i never have to make a choice after my Mum died.

My DS’s girlfriend’s mum died last year. I told DS not to do anything for Mother’s Day for me from now on as I just think it’s now a sad day for his girlfriend. I am alive and well and happy to forget about Mother’s Day. I don’t really care about Mother’s Day though so it’s not a big deal for me. It was nice to get a cute card when the DSs were little.

You have just lost your Mum, you need to be entirely selfish and do the best thing for yourself. Never mind disappointing MIL or what MIL thinks, if they can't support your choice in the circumstances, they aren't much of a human being or mother.

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️What do you want to do? Forget for a second about what people think or feel. It sounds like your mil will understand as does your dh.

Ignore the whole "you'll regret" brigade. I haven't lost my mother but I am a bereaved mother for the last two years - my twin boys, my first mothers day without them, I didnt go to my own mother or mil. I just couldn't face it. They understood. Last year I did go. I was able to face the day. It still stings but I could cope.

Please do what you need to do for you. Xxx

Clearly I read your tone wrong then. It read to me as if you were judging the OP and implying that mothers 'should' want to spend all mother's day with their children. Your longer post reads differently.

Mother's Day is a funny one isn't it... It is to celebrate you being a mum or your own mum and so in many ways the idea of all spending time together frolicking through daffodils in the sunshine is great but when you spend everyday with your children it's equally legit to want a more peaceful day. I'm happy with either this year although I know I'll want at least pockets of peace and quiet time to think of my lovely mum. I do also think this year giving flowers and cards and making a fuss of someone elses mum (whether I like her or not) will probably be confronting of my own mum's very recent absence.

I really hope everyone enjoys the day if celebrating and for those who are missing their own mum's or children or find the day difficult in other ways I'm sending best wishes X

But there are plenty of hours in the day for her to do both. Spend time with her children & spend some time alone remembering her own mum.