My mum died should I see MIL this Mothersday?

[TheZingySheep]

I need a little advice please - my dear mum died a few weeks ago which has obviously been really sad. We've had her birthday quite quickly after that which I managed to go away somewhere meaningful for. Now coming up in quick succession is Mothers Day. I know my husband wants to see his mum and he will take our kids - I've indicated briefly when it first came up that the last thing I'll want to be doing is spending the day with his mum - but understand he should go. He pointed out that leaves me alone. On the face of it I don't mind the idea of that. I'm in the camp that would usually be quite happy to be sent off alone for some me time for M'day rather than feeling it has to be everyone together (husband is usually horrified at the idea I wouldn't want to be with them all day to celebrate... 😂 However a) I'm worried about hurting MIL's feelings/or her thinking I'm being unreasonable for not being there and b) although I feel I would be ok with the alone time to reflect on my own lovely mum (I do appreciate having time alone to do this) will I regret it horribly on the day and be completely miserable?

What have other's done re MIL's on the first one after? It doesn't help that our mum's were the same age so DH is now pretty aware that time with his DM is precious. So I definitely want him to go as I would hate this to be their last one and he didn't see her. To add however we did spend the last MDay whole wkend with her as we'd had to make a choice and had spent my mum's b'day with her... these things are always blinking tricky aren't they 🙄

We're all different. Doesn't really matter how other people might approach this. Do what you feel would work best for you

Do you dislike the MIL or is it that it will be just too tough for you to spend the day as reminds you of not having your own mum?

Do what feels best to you, you are in the early stages of grieving. Prioritise yourself.

I lost my mum a few years back. The first few years of special events are definitely more emotional and challenging to navigate.

Im sure your MIL is a lovely woman and would understand what you are going through. Maybe send DH with some personal flowers or card from yourself.

Things definitely feel a bit easier (not easy but easier) for me now after a certain amount of time has elapsed but when the Mother’s Day cards came out this year my first thought was which one would she like followed by ‘oh yes I have no one to by one for.’

Our church does a remembrance table as part of the Mothering Sunday service. So I might bring a picture or item along for that. In previous years you could light a candle of remembrance. Just an idea if you are that way inclined. Or you could get a little candle an light it at home for your mum while you have a bit of peace and quiet. 💐

I spent my first mothering sunday after my mothers passing with MIl

Having said that

My mother died late May so it was almost 1 year on

I had a close loving relationship with MIL and a fraught relationship with my mother

I would be very happy to spend the day by myself but then I'm an introvert who loves my own space. Could you not have breakfast with your DC and then they go out to your MILs? Take the afternoon to remember your Mum in your own way.

I am so sorry for your loss @TheZingySheep. I think you are absolutely ok to not go. It’s completely up to you what you do but I just wanted to say that it’s ok to be selfish, your feelings matter here a lot. If it helps at all I wanted to share what we did for the first Father’s Day after my lovely FIL died. I arranged to take my dad out the day before and celebrate him then and although there was no expectation on him to my husband did come with us, the restaurant not being full of everyone celebrating really helped him feel comfortable to I think. Then on actual Father’s Day we went to visit his Dad’s grave in the morning and then made the rest of the day about my husband being a dad. For completely different reasons I’m struggling with Mother’s Day too this year so just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and sending you a hug. Be kind to yourself.

My MIL wanted to spend her first Mother’s Day after her mum’s death on her own. She had always gone to visit her mum on the day, and just wanted some space to remember her without feeling the need to either host or be hosted by us. We offered, she gracefully declined. You do whatever works for you OP - if your MiL is a kind person then she shouldn’t begrudge you anything, and you can choose at the last minute. So sorry for the loss of your mum x

Nope mil will understand. Tell your dh you need some time to mourn and remember in quiet. He can take the kids to see his mum and you can spend afternoon how you want

Firstly thank you and I'm sorry for yours too and can very much appreciate those moments in the years ahead where the grief will still pull the rug from you.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I do like my MIL. She is very different to my mum - opposites really she can be sweet and can be tricky sometimes but that usually doesn't matter we still spend a lot of time with her. Ultimately I guess I feel being with her will feel confronting on this first Mother's Day.

That's very perceptive of you both and yes I think you are right. I'm an introvert by nature so really relish the little pockets of time I have to process things on my own - that said it can get messy so sometimes and I think Urgh! have I done the right thing. If I get myself out of the house to do some nice things that feel meaningful hopefully I can avoid that.

Thanks everyone. I wasn't expecting so many replies. Thanks for all the kind thoughts. It's interesting because there is enough of a mix of thoughts/replies to reassure me that it was enough of a dilemma.

I think those that suggested reading between the lines I want to spend time alone are probably right. My MIL doesn't live near, so my family will stay over night but I think I'm going to follow the advice of those that suggest we spend the morning, maybe lunch together, and they go off later but also keep in mind that I can change my mind closer to the day.

Thanks again everyone. It's been a sad old lonely feeling time so I really appreciate the understanding.

I'm sorry Spookyspaghetti. I'm not particularly religious but I have taken comfort in lighting candles in church for her and am obsessed with buying them at home at the moment. I guess it is some sort of focus for feelings. Obsessed with flowers currently too! I hope you have a gentle mothers day this year X

Sorry for your loss.

I still have my mum but my MIL died just before Mother’s Day years ago. I didn’t expect my husband to come and see my mum or mark the day at all.

I have voted YABU because your husband and kids should be wanting to spend the day with you. You are being unreasonable to yourself. For him to even entertain you being on your own and for you to suggest it says alot.

You are going through grief. There is no set way of how to grieve and so I think on a day like mother's day you need to do what is best for you. I would hope that your Mother in law would understand this. Sorry for your loss.

I don't dislike her. My reaction as soon as my husband and I realised Mothers Day was coming and he'd want to see his (as she lives alone) was absolutely you should see her but it hit me that the last thing I want is to spend my first M'day without my mum - with his. We gave her (his mum) the loveliest wkend last year instead of seeing mine - I guess because we'd just seen mine for her birthday. And I just couldn't lavish all the love on her this year, I just don't feel I could. I guess the loss is still too raw and really I want it to still be all about my mum. It's too early.

Do what is comfortable for you. Your MIL will understand that this is not about her.

To be honest, I never felt that I really had a role in Mother's Day for my MIL anyway - she wasn't my mother. When my Mum was alive if I was in a shop buying a card for her I'd pick up one for DH to give to his Mum too but that's as far as it went. If he wanted to do more than that it was up to him, and once my Mum died I obviously wasn't going out shopping for cards so it was entirely his job.
We tended to have the day at home and visit our Mums the weekend before or after, when our DC were young anyway. In the last few years of her life we did go to see MIL on the day. My DC were all away at University etc by then anyway so we wouldn't have been doing anything at home and it was a number of years since my Mum died so it wasn't raw.
I would definitely not have wanted to spend the day with her the first year after losing my Mum though, especially so soon after the death OP. It will be a difficult day for you and you should be able to spend it however you feel is best without fear of judgement. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the day passes as easily as it can.

Do you understand this poor woman lost her Mum a few weeks ago and is grieving, Mothers day will be extremely hard for her and even an hour with someone else's Mother will be too much. Her Mil should be bloody mature enough to understand.

@TheZingySheep I am sorry for your loss.

You are still grieving your loss and making plans can be difficult as it will depend how you feel that day.

Unless MIL lives hours away, is it possible to do agree a short vist e.g. an hour for coffee rather than an all day visit. That way you can go or not go depending on how you feel on the day and won’t be alone for too long. Plan a lunch just with DH and DC.

I'm not sure that it does. I think its just a bit complicated. The mum's were on their own - his doesn't live near enough to properly split the day. If she were younger I would say skip the day with her - but having just lost mine I know he is even more keenly aware of how precious this time left with his is - and i am too. I'm in that period where I wish I had appreciated my mum more. I did appreciate her and spent lots of time with her especially recently but I still wish I had more.

Thanks Purplespottedleopard. That's really helpful and is another option for us. We could go down on Friday night and celebrate with her on Saturday. Home for Sunday. I don't have mum's ashes or memorial yet but I'm sure we can find something that feels meaningful to me. I'm sorry to hear you are facing a tricky Mother's Day this year and send you best wishes too. I hope it's a gentle one for you.

Would it be all day or just for lunch? I never went to my MILs after my own mother passed, but then neither did my DH!
Im sure you MIL would understand that so soon after your mother’s passing the day is bittersweet and it may want to to spend time on your own. Don’t go just because you feel obliged.

The op could absolutely love her mil and still not want to see her on mothers day just weeks after loosing her own mum as the pain and grief is still so fresh.
The fact that you can't understand why someone might not want to celebrate mothers day with her mil unless she hated her mil say more about you than anyone else