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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t understand people who play devils advocate

93 replies

supposesoso · 01/03/2026 23:02

I've noticed lately that my boyfriend does this and it drives me insane. Last month, I had a problem with a colleague, and he acted the same way then. He doesn't know this person btw. It’s a bit like when people stay neutral during an argument. I would understand if they know both parties and don't want to upset anyone, but it seems odd to me if they don't. Why would they care about upsetting someone who they don’t know? I had a friend years ago who was exactly the same. Would anyone else find this annoying?

OP posts:
ChaosIsTwix · 01/03/2026 23:04

I do this because my autism tells me it's only fair to consider the other side as well. Yes, it drives everyone around me batshit crazy but I can't help it.

Triskels · 01/03/2026 23:04

Well, they’re well aware they’re only getting one person’s side of the story, and sometimes it’s very obvious that an alternative version of events is likely to exist.

user1471453601 · 01/03/2026 23:06

Sometimes having another person outline a different way a situation can be read is helpful.

As long as they don't try to force their potential reading onto you, I think it's ok.

HumbleStumble · 02/03/2026 04:45

Well what if they didn't ? Then you would live in an echo chamber.

PollyBell · 02/03/2026 04:50

Because no ever admits to being at fault people always blames everyone else, he would only have your version of whatever you say so you want a puppet who just nods along and adrees with everything you say?

Scarydinosaurs · 02/03/2026 04:55

I agree with PP, if more than one person does this to you, is it possible that you are repeatedly in the wrong and they either don’t believe your version of events, or think you have behaved badly?

OhBettyCalmDown · 02/03/2026 05:07

I do this. It’s usually to try and see things from both sides. Sometimes just so I can take a balanced view of the situation and then decide my opinion and sometimes I’ll admit I’ve done it to try and let the angry person see how this situation may of come about. Generally speaking the only person that’s gets really angry when I do this, is also someone who believes they’re always right, treats their opinion as fact and cannot see anything from someone else’s point of view.

Lastofthesummerwines · 02/03/2026 05:11

Sometimes people don’t like getting involved in other people’s drama so staying on the fence can mean you don’t have an opinion as such so there’s no come back if the drama explodes .

3luckystars · 02/03/2026 05:11

I don’t know why they do it either. I would never do it and I don’t even like the phrase. It’s like they are deliberately not taking your part.

if you have a different opinion, or think I was wrong, just say it. I wish people were clearer!

Clonakilla · 02/03/2026 05:16

I’ve never seen anyone play devils advocate sincerely. I’ve only observed people doing it when the opposing POV actually aligns with their own, they’re just too gutless to own it.

It’s not remotely the same as recognising there will be other perspectives, or nuances to situations.

IwishIcouldconfess · 02/03/2026 05:25

What if the problem with your colleague was instigated by you?

Surely discussing it with someone can make you look at something from another angle?

Or do you just want people to agree with you?

WishingIwasyoungerandslimmer · 02/03/2026 05:30

It could be that he knows you a little too well OP and thinks you can't take criticism about maybe how you have handled situations. So rather than saying it outright he says he is playing devil's advocate.

How would you handle it OP, if he stated plainly that you were in the wrong in a situation you have described? Not very well I assume from the tone of your opening post.

3luckystars · 02/03/2026 05:38

Yeah I actually do want people to agree with me! 😁

Clara27 · 02/03/2026 05:39

Does he actually say this is what he’s doing, as in name it? Or does he always seem to take the opposing side to yours so you are somehow always wrong?

JacquesHarlow · 02/03/2026 05:45

People use “devil’s advocate” on the AIBU forum here as a way of belittling or winding up the OP, especially if they are emotional in their first post and the example they give is pretty open and shut in terms of them being reasonable but perhaps a victim.

I suspect sometimes this is also the case in real life.

YANBU.

PollyBell · 02/03/2026 05:47

JacquesHarlow · 02/03/2026 05:45

People use “devil’s advocate” on the AIBU forum here as a way of belittling or winding up the OP, especially if they are emotional in their first post and the example they give is pretty open and shut in terms of them being reasonable but perhaps a victim.

I suspect sometimes this is also the case in real life.

YANBU.

So it is way more healthy to go to OPs ''how could they do that to you they are 100% to blame you are never at fault there is only your version and it is the truth''

Octavia64 · 02/03/2026 05:51

I’m an ex teacher

if there is one thing that I have learnt after two decades in education it’s that everyone thinks they are right about everything.

kid brings a knife to school and hurts someone with it - Miss I was being bullied and I was scared so I started carrying a knife for protection.

nobody ever seems to admit they were in the wrong they always have excuses and reasons and think they were in the right.

he punched me first
she deserved it
he was being horrible to me

I have literally never spoken to a teen who says yeah I did that sorry it was wrong.

so these days when I hear people telling about events I am very aware that while they may not be consciously lying they are certainly giving a partial truth.

we had cctv so often were able to watch the incident on video. Spoiler, humans tend to lie.

JacquesHarlow · 02/03/2026 05:52

PollyBell · 02/03/2026 05:47

So it is way more healthy to go to OPs ''how could they do that to you they are 100% to blame you are never at fault there is only your version and it is the truth''

Show quote history

No, of course not @PollyBell

AIBU has always been a robust place of opinion. We all know this.

However I’ve seen women suffering DV who come on this sub forum (rightly or wrongly as there are other places to post)

… and get utterly vilified and gaslit by women posters (yep, their posting history suggest so!) who bizarrely appear to want to blame the OP for anything they’ve written about their circumstances, or blame them for their spelling and grammar, or accuse them of “dripfeeding” and not sharing every contextual detail in the first post.

So yeah, I’m sorry but I don’t consider that “healthy” either.

FruAashild · 02/03/2026 05:57

ChaosIsTwix · 01/03/2026 23:04

I do this because my autism tells me it's only fair to consider the other side as well. Yes, it drives everyone around me batshit crazy but I can't help it.

DH can be a bit like this, it is infuriating because he does it for every single conversation big or small. So, e.g. I say 'I think I'll have the seabass' at a restaurant and his response will be 'are you sure, what about the steak, I think you'll enjoy that'. Every single time. It seems minor and he thinks he is being considerate but it's destabilising to have your opinion continually questioned.

I do think suggesting another viewpoint can sometimes be useful but it does need to be done in a considerate manner and with an assessment of the importance of the decision vs the feelings of the other person. Not everyone who like to play Devil's Advocate is good at that.

EveryDayisFriday · 02/03/2026 06:38

I try to see all sides and point of views if possible. Some people have such tunnel vision that they are completely unable to step into someone else's shoes for a second to consider how and why they think and feel like they do.

My father is like this, he thinks a certain way and doesn't understand why other people don't think like him. When other people's life experiences have shaped into thinking in their own way. It's bigger picture stuff and working on my empathy. Eg, I am not MAGA and disagree with their POV but I can understand why some are.

However it can slip into whataboutery and making excuses for bad behaviour which is unacceptable. So holding bad behaviour accountable is important even if you understand where that comes from.

hifriend · 02/03/2026 06:46

I can be guilty of this too sometimes especially with my partner because he is not good at trying to put himself in other people's shoes. I do recognise it's annoying though and I apologise if he points out he was just looking to vent. How does he respond if you name the behaviour?

HOWEVER, this also used to be a reoccurring issue for us from the other side, we had been together 8 years but he would still seem to always assume I was overreacting to any problem I tried to talk about with him, even though I felt he should know by that point that I don't tend to overreact to things. After a particularly frustrating situation where he called me names for walking away from a day out after his brother told me to "shut up and let the grown ups talk" and he immediately took his brother's side without even talking to me, I managed to get through to him with this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/men-just-dont-trust-women_b_6714280. He read it and admitted that his thought process was always the same as the man's in the article and got better at listening and understanding a situation before always assuming I was in the wrong.

I don’t think you mentioned your gender and that might not be what's happening here but I would also ask yourself if you see him do this with others or if it only applies to you. With my partner it was only with me, he is very 'agreeable' and non confrontational with others which made it extra annoying because I knew he was capable of being more open minded it just didn't seem to apply to me at the time.

Notmyreality · 02/03/2026 06:54

So you just want him to blindly agree with you all the time? Even when you’re wrong?

Elektra1 · 02/03/2026 06:56

You don’t like people “playing devil’s advocate” (ie putting the other side of the argument) and also don’t like it when people remain neutral. So you only like people who agree with you?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 02/03/2026 06:57

FruAashild · 02/03/2026 05:57

DH can be a bit like this, it is infuriating because he does it for every single conversation big or small. So, e.g. I say 'I think I'll have the seabass' at a restaurant and his response will be 'are you sure, what about the steak, I think you'll enjoy that'. Every single time. It seems minor and he thinks he is being considerate but it's destabilising to have your opinion continually questioned.

I do think suggesting another viewpoint can sometimes be useful but it does need to be done in a considerate manner and with an assessment of the importance of the decision vs the feelings of the other person. Not everyone who like to play Devil's Advocate is good at that.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Also sometimes in the moment I just need a there there its okay. Your mum/sibling/boss was a perk.

Idontspeakgermansorry · 02/03/2026 06:58

I'm sure all the pp are right in some cases. In my experience, it's just people who like to argue and look smart though.