I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

Parenting groups? Have you tried a star chart? Im sure you will be fine your the adult have you thought how your CHILD feels there needs arnt being met because you were asleep when they needed YOU

Look my friend did one of these they had her paying for archery lessons new clothing a fucking dog clothing FOR the dog chocolate pancakes for breakfast because she didn't want to eat breakfast dont force her to brush her teeth let her decide if she wants to brush her teeth it was ridiculous and unhelpful

Behave. SS won't be interested.

I don't really rate the NAS tbh but there are a load of groups on SM ran by parents who might be able to signpost you to somewhere local or even somewhere to let off some steam. We've all been in the same boat with our SN kids one way or another.

All of this.
I don't understand these "ODFOD" comments. It's a sad situation, but it still boils down to the OP being the adult, full stop. And sometimes that's hard.

Just wanted to send massive hugs to you op.
You're getting a lot of grief from some for daring to be human.

If you had bothered to read OP's posts you would have seen that her DD is much happier in the less pressured environment of the private school. But no, it's because she's 'keeping up with the Joneses'. What an utterly twisted take. Foul.

Thank you.

I could keep up with the joneses with flash holidays or a brand new car.

How dare I spend it on a private school. It doe make me laugh.

The bursary is for the family, to enable parents to afford the school for their DD. It is not a prize, like a scholarship. Stop being so picky.

Agree. It sounds like burnout. Easy for people to judge when they're not in your shoes.

I do think your daughter needs to be trained though. If you give into her even once when she asks/perseveres, she had wired her brain to keep asking and persisting.

You need a 'Supernanny' type overhaul to completely change the dynamic in your home and set clear boundaries.

Start removing rewards/money/shopping if she breaks rules. Let her kick off but dont give in.

You wont get support from services so this is going to have to be something you do and take charge of yourself.

The OP sounds burnt out, and I would be too, dealing with endless, relentless demands, destruction of the house, being hissed at and woken from a deep sleep.

11-14 years will be developmentally even more challenging, things will likely get worse with the OP’s DD before they improve.

I think the OP needs to manage her own exhaustion/burnout as a priority. Some time away on the weekends, ideally exercise for the endorphins and calm but something to feel herself again. Hard boundaries about her own sleep and night-time wake ups, and, ideally, finances and availability notwithstanding some psychology input.

OP, I did mention this in an earlier post, but please look into therapy for your DC. I know it can be pricey, but it shouldn't be as much as the family therapy quote you received.

Obviously it's location dependent, but where I am it is about £45-60 per session and you can opt for fortnightly sessions.

My DC has found working with an art therapist most helpful. As I said up thread, the therapist has come up with lots of helpful strategies for our DC. It isn't perfect, but it's made a big difference.

A PP mentioned the Triple P parenting course. I support this recommendation. It's evidence based and works very well for the majority of children, including those with ADHD, ASD and ODD, provided parents follow it pretty closely.

I've worked with a range of parents (some of whom have also been on the spectrum) over the years to
train them in the basic tenets of PPP. It changes the behaviours of parents and children and everyone becomes a lot less stressed. I've seen first hand many, many times the benefits to families when they use it and stick with it as directed.

I believe you can also do it online. I've linked the UK site if that's where you are.

https://www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk/triple-p/?cdsid=881bvsfn75e4r808tmio047tuc&ga=GA1.1.1255071748.1772399959&gl=1srdq7ngaS4TV0RXMC8R1MyLjEuczE3NzIzOTk5NTkkbzEkZzEkdDE3NzI0MDAwMzgkajYwJGwwJGgwgaMTI1NTA3MTc0OC4xNzcyMzk5OTU5gclauMS4xLjU2ODY2NDM4MC4xNzcyMzk5OTU5

You need to be willing to:

• sit down as a household and decide what are the most challenging behaviours (start with one or two only) and say 'we are going to work on these' eg. You might choose to work on 'repeatedly asking for stuff to be bought'

• explain the process to the children. It's a 'warnings then consequence' system. PPP shows you how to do this.

• give positives for complying and be very consistent in applying consequences, which should not last longer than a day at most (have a reset every day) as young children have difficulty cognitively holding extended consequences in their memories.

• stay unemotional and do not over-explain

There is obviously a lot more to the program. But it is quite simple.

Since incessant asking for stuff is the thing that seems to be the main problem, make a decision between yourself and your husband about how you're going to deal with this. If you often eventually give in, your daughter will learn that relentlessly asking for stuff works for her. You also need to be aware that sometimes behaviour gets worse before it improves. This is called an extinction burst and is a sign that what you're doing is working but the child is giving it their best shot to push against it. It will be hard. Do NOT give up at this point.

Some people have criticised PPP in saying that it punishes the child, simply because there is a consequence for their behaviour. What is actually the case, though, is that the child learns that their challenging behaviours will not be rewarded and they learn to take responsibility for their behaviours Every child can learn to do this to some extent unless they are profoundly disabled. I also have autistic children in my extended family and PPP has improved things measurably.

I feel for you OP. You are obviously extremely stressed and trying to do your best. You feel regret for hauling your daughter out of bed and screaming at her. But rather than beating yourself up, recognise that this incident has shown you that something needs to change immediately and use it as a learning opportunity. Commit to doing something different. You can do this. I very much hope things improve for you and your family.

ETA: sorry, that link looks as if it defaults to the Australian site (that's where I am) but you can put in your location. Good luck.

Or it could be modern society. There was a woman on grandsnet the other day who's husband had a go at her for continuously buying stuff. She'd ordered stuffed toy dogs for the grandchildren....they were 15+. She has daily Amazon deliveries.

Personally I have to stop myself buying shite on Amazon, I watch a YouTube video and think ... Yes I need that knife sharpener, that spanner, that piano so I can get a cat to play it.

Would it help to give her a budget, a card with that amount on it and an Amazon account and say... that is what you have each month. Once it's gone it's gone and you have to wait for next month

But much mate

She's 11. How many 11 year olds have an amazon account and sit and order shite? She's not old enough for an amazon account for a start and what happens when the money runs out?

Tantrums?

But somehow or another she needs to learn the value of money and that when it's gone it's gone. You are saying that an 11 year old shouldn't understand that when she spends everything there's nothing left.

OP my ds was like this!

The loop of the excited anticipation of wanting something, followed by a few seconds of satisfaction then onto the next thing.

I solved it by giving weekly pocket money. It was £3 a week at first then went up to £5 a week.

He got that money and I bought him NOTHING. Any requests he had to save up for. No comics/toys/unnecessary clothes/etc. Nada! Other than birthday and Xmas.

At the start we would use a visual thing with squares for each pound he needed and he could cross them out to see how much he had saved.

Often by the time he had the full amount he'd decided he wanted something else and it definitely helped him to realise more about money and choose more carefully. We would also use the saving up time to see how much the thing he wanted was on eBay or gumtree etc.

I had to be VERY strong and not break the rule and give in to buying things. I also tend not to take any of my kids in a shop if I can help it. It's much more pleasant to go without them or order online.

In terms of the talking and nattering. Again you have to be firm and ignore. One statement of I'm not talking about it anymore. And it's HORRID being tired and woken up - they do need to learn this isn't acceptable. Have some sort of rule eg only wake me if you are poorly or injured for example.

That's not what I said

OP, you really have my full sympathy.

I mean she can't send them back now, so how is that helpful?

Least helpful comment of the day right here.

Two of my children have autism & ADHD and yes, always wanting the "next thing" is common; it is a type of dopamine seeking, more typically connected to ADHD but definitely a feature of neurodivergence. For my children I feel it is a combination of their need for novelty along with anxiety.

Thank you. For us ots not always the latest thing it’s just ‘something’. So wearing.

But that's how I read it. Stupid I know, but that's the problem with a texted based coms system. You are at the mercy of the reader.

If you didn't mean that 11 year olds shouldn't understand the price of money, what did you mean (here I admit to being somewhat dense and literal so I've completely misunderstood what you are saying)

Do you care for her? This may seem harsh but it really sounds like you don't and may be she picks up on that and the desire for stuff is to fill the gap left by the fact her mum clearly resents her. Do you show her love in any other way?