I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

I find love dismissive and patronising - being Scottish doesn't diminish that view. Hth

I genuinely don’t understand what point you’re trying to make.

You’ve stated that yes, the OP is technically abusive for getting very angry and expressing it after being woken, but it’s explicable/mitigated by because the OP is also on the spectrum and hasn’t learned to self-regulate.

I am a non-autistic, generally regulated adult, but I need my sleep and if I was woken by an 11 year old screaming in my face, about boots, I would be furious and yes, I would express it.

It’s infuriating behaviour. 11 is old enough to appreciate that, ASD or not.

Autism may explain why she abused her disabled daughter for showing symptoms of her disability. It doesn't however make it acceptable or not abusive. Everyone can understand why the OP was frustated, but it is never, ever OK to drag a child around and shout in their faces. Whatever the provocation, whatever the circumstances that is abusive.

If OP cannot guarantee that she can parent, support and love her disabled child, keeping her safe and free from abuse, she needs to remove herself from this family.

Yes, because people will be lining up to look after this girl, who trashes property, yells at sleeping adults, writes on walls and hisses at her parents.

I don't understand the point your trying to make either 😅🙈 ( I'm autistic sorry I just don't understand )

The first time you tagged me it sounded like you were disagreeing when you said Your expectations of behaviour are very high

It’s infuriating behaviour. 11 is old enough to appreciate that, ASD or not - I agree with this. I'm not defending the child or the mother, what OP did wasn't okay and she knows that, but as a late diagnosed autistic woman I can sympathise with OP as I do understand it is difficult to regulate yourself if you don't know how

Sorry, are you suggesting because this child is disabled and displays symptoms of her disability that are challenging that she should put up with being abused because no one else would want her? She has no right to a safe life, free from abuse?

In any case, I said OP should remove herself from the home if she cannot stop being abusive, not that the innocent child, the victim of abuse, should be removed.

I utterly horrified at how many people are trying to justify child abuse on the basis that this child has symptoms of disability that could be seen as irritating. Like that entitles people to abuse her.

Clearly you don't read things properly, I literally said OP knows it wasn't okay

It can be. I got to the stage with my
loved one that they were only allowed to order something from Amazon once a month and even then there were restrictions on cost. It was like weaning them off it and now they don’t ask at all.

Just some thoughts, as I’m going through the very early stages of my 4 year old discovering that money can get you stuff and managing that. I fully appreciate it’s a very different situation but the same stressor so thought it might help:

1 we go to charity shops.
2 I understand she’s autistic but would she be receptive to the idea of pocket money? So she understands that money is finite and once she runs out she can’t get anything more until she earns it?
3 I pick up a lot of free stuff on Facebook marketplace. I picked up a costume for WBD for her for free and it just needed washing and a pocket stitching. Might help with some of the cost.
4 loops. Earplugs to dim the overstimulating noise.

I don't think she does know it's not OK. She's made multiple posts trying to justify it by listing ways she finds her daughter irritating and then blaming it on her undiagnised autism.

If she really knew it wasn't OK, she would have left the house and not returned until she had sufficient counselling and help to be confident that she would never, ever do it again.

Her posts absolutely come across as "not my fault, she made me do it", the typical abuser's excuse.

Hi OP, I've just seen this free course advertised on Facebook. It sounds like it would be good for you. Free course

No, as I have posted upthread, this girl needs to learn emotion regulation, because she can’t do it herself. These “symptoms of her disability” as you call it, if unmanaged, will escalate as she progresses through puberty and as the social and academic demand increase.

She needs skilled psychology so she can learn regulate herself without needing all the stuff, all the reassurance, yelling at her mother, trashing the house and hissing at people. Maybe an SSRI to help calm the anxiety loop.

Her mother needs a break and to find herself again in order to assist her daughter with learning to regulate her own emotions.

The process of helping this girl to regulate her own emotions will involve very firm boundaries, but some posters don’t seem to like any deviance from : “you’ve got autism, so do what you like, all the time”.

You talk of a “safe life” but what kind of life will she have without learning to regulate, and learnthat some behaviour is untenable? Who will be her friend? Who will employ her, be her romantic partner?

This sounds a little like me as a child. And as an adult 🙁. I have learnt that it is often driven by anxiety, and dopamine seeking like two horses of the apocalypse.

I would really recommend a CAMHS referral for your child- to help with the anxiety and inability to self-regulate

I went through a period of severe grief and abandonment (many years ago) and was constantly spending money and getting into debt buying "stuff". I was told by my psychotherapist that it is a classic way to "fill an emotional hole / gap" where you feel something is missing in your life. It made a lot of sense.

But everything seems to be a symptom of ADHD / ASD / Autism these days...

You don't learn emotional regulation by being abused. You learn it by patience, tolerance, understanding, support and stategies. The way this child is being treated is going to make this worse. She's being dismissed, critised and abused. Professional support is needed. There is no justification for the abuse this poor child is subjected to. She's screaming out for reassurance and help and getting abuse and tellings off instead.

Out of interest - not being snarky - what helped? I agree a skilled psychologist is essential, but hard to access. Did you learn your own strategies with maturity?

Yes to something like this. It satisfies her need to get the request out immediately but helps teach her about waiting.

In a similar vein, I wonder if it's also useful to keep a visual record of the financial cost of all the requests. So there's a certain budget and you can't spend more than that. If there's something she's hyper-focusing on like the football boots, could she make a collage or picollage or a mind map or list or something where she can capture all the information about the boots, why she wants a certain type, who else wears them, what the differences in certain studs etc are. And then you use that to find the certain brand or whatever on vinted or facebook marketplace. And again with the visual reminders of the amount the boots cost and the amount that's available to spend on them.

I'm just thinking out loud. The sports boots in our house tend to come from pairs my DH finds in sales, or from boot swaps at our club.

Can you get her physically exhausted by sport activities every day?

Put her into a boarding school?

I hope you get some sleep OP x

Have not read the whole thread but wanted to share my experience. I also have a DD on the spectrum. She’s better now in her teens, but when she was 8-11 she would push boundaries relentlessly until we lost our temper (and we are very patient and accommodating with her). Surprisingly, after we reacted harshly and sometimes raise our voices, she seemed to calm down, accept it and go back to good behavior. We would be left feeling awful, but it seemed that it was what she needed. Not sure why but it happened a few times. Just a thought.

OK Hen.
(Also Scottish)

The behaviour the OP described is categorically abuse. No question.

The behaviour is also understandable. The OP sounds understandably burnt out and in a state of blocked care with her daughter.

The behaviour also needs to change. The OP is the responsible adult and needs to take accountability and responsibility for change.

The behaviour doesn’t define the OP. All parents have good and bad days.

Both things are true.

The OP has behaved abusively. The OP is also a flawed and imperfect human and parent like us all, doing her best in very difficult circumstances. Her daughter’s behaviour is challenging the OP. They need support so that abusive behaviour isn’t the norm and they can repair and build trust and her daughter can learn to self regulate.

Fluoxetine helps a lot with the anxiety. As well as building a calm life with routines and having a steady job. Im still absolutely shite with money, unfortunately

@WeekendTripHelp I completely agree.

This cannot happen again. Throwing the child out of the house cannot happen again.

OP needs to learn strategies for herself first and foremost rather than punishing her daughter for behaviour which clearly is currently out of the child's control.

This child is not by any stretch of the imagination being abused. Using such terms are so unhelpful as poor OP is already beating herself up for it. From her description of the situation I think she is making a superhuman effort to manage what sounds like an unbearable home life for her whole family which she is bearing the brunt of. Many posters have tried to provide helpful suggestions and support and I hope this helps her. It is clear she loves the child while finding her behaviour extremely difficult and sometimes behaves in a very human way in distressing situations. This is why she posted and is continuing to engage despite very unhelpful and unkind comments. Separating this child from her mother would distress and harm her and not help the situation at all but make everything worse.

I agree with you.
There is another daughter to consider as well. If she is hissing at her sister then I would find it tough not to stick up for the youngest too. She is just as important.