I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

This is nothing to do with her autism, it’s just bad behaviour. I have an autistic 11yr old daughter.

No it isn’t! It’s nothing to do with autism, it’s bad behaviour! Yes her autism may make her easily addicted to the dopamine of getting something new, BUT the way she’s going about getting all of these things she wants, is nothing to do with autism, it’s poor discipline.
My autistic 11yr old daughter tried being like this once and I nipped it in the bud immediately by putting a boundary in place. Now she knows if she is treated to something then anything else is off the table for at least a month. If she was to nag I’d instil consequences, however thankfully I’ve never needed to do so as she thankfully now wouldn’t dream of it as she’s become a very grateful child. Almost annoyingly so at times! 😌

This too is telling. It’s your house. Not her home.

Have you investigated a PDA profile op?

I would just add, sometimes "the stuff" is intense for autistic adults, too.
Only they can restrain themselves (some of them).
Children of this age cannot.

Absolutely this.

amd also the obsessing about things having to be perfect. Like an outfit for a special occasion. And t day being ruined if things aren’t “right”.

im old now and better at masking it but I still feel it, internally.

The PDA society have some really good podcasts and online training @imsoverytired82.

https://training.pdasociety.org.uk/pda-podcasts/?product-page=1

Also worth following:
At Peace Parents
Eliza Fricker
Pooky Knightsmith
Dr Emily Compton-Smith

I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to offer you my heartfelt sympathy. It’s the sheer, fucking, RELENTLESSNESS of it all.

my DD can be similar. I gave her a talking to the other day (not shouting or anything), but I properly laid it on thick about how disappointed I was about something (engaging with school work - I’ve tried so hard to get her online schooling after she was too anxious to go in). I think she was really shocked, but, it’s worked. She’s bucked her ideas up.

I do wonder whether part of it is not getting social cues about when you’ve had enough.

If you think what I wrote might relate to your DD as well, what helped me was keeping in mind that what she's saying/how's she's behaving is coded, and to reply to the response trigger in a similar "code".

If you know what the trigger is (eg intrusive thoughts) when she's obsessing over her hair at night, speak to that anxiety. For me that looked like
" I can understand why your hair is stressing you, it's hard to sleep when you're worried about your hair, your mind can play tricks on you about your hair, especially when your tired" etc

The constant asking for things as code doe "mum can you hear me, do you still love me, I'm here don't ignore me"
So reply with showing her you've heard her and you're writing it down to deal with after dinner tomorrow night, when you're not tired and can give it your proper attention. You understand she's stressed but remind her that just because you've just bought her something it doesn't mean you stop listening to her.

These are just my examples, you know your DD better than anyone and will become more attained to reading between the lines of her communication.

Oh DFOD. OP is very obviously at the very end of her tether and you and others like you are not bloody helping. Anger management, my big fat behind. She needs support, understanding and some time for herself. Sure, she also needs to not hoik her daughter out of bed and scream at her but she clearly knows that. There have been some very helpful and kind replies on here, I hope OP benefits from them and doesn't take too much notice of the catbum-faced charm vacuums who seem determined to make her feel even worse than she already does.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with saying no, and with my other kids I can do that without trashing their day (and by extension the rest of the family’s day). For my daughter, and I suspect for the OP’s daughter, this constant want want want want of attention and new things is a regulatory behaviour. He brain is constantly in an anxious/stressed state, and seeking more and more attention or things is their way of regulating that state. My daughter is regulated by sending me a link, whilst a straight no would escalate her anxious/stressed/unregulated brain even further, leaving her unable to access the good bits of the rest of the day.

This kind of thing isn’t always bad behaviour. Sometimes, particularly with autism/ADHD/PDA it is an attempt to regulate their brain. I am absolutely happy to support that attempt at regulation if it means she can the behave appropriately to be able to access school/family/friendships. I could just “parent” and say no, but that would leave my child without education/family/friendship.

”Send me a link” is the compromise we have found that lets her regulate and me hold my spending/spoiling/accumulating tat boundaries. It’s a win all around for us.

I absolutely understand that the wider world won’t accommodate her, but rather than trying to toughen her up to meet that world, I am trying to help her learn ways of regulating at home so she is able to face the world as much as possible.

This isn’t just about not saying “no”. She also regulates by swinging on a tree swing for hours on end (rain or shine) and baking excessive amounts of cookies. Just like I either “forget” about the links and say no to the links if she pesters, I have boundaries around the swing (dark and cold limits) and around baking. But in the main, I can spot a regulating mechanism a mile off and will let her do them as long as they don’t hurt others.

Picking up some of the strategies PPs have suggested, an NVR course might be helpful. You need a strategy and some hope.

I’m going to be very frank op, you need to do better. You’ve clearly not been googling for autism support organisations or even googling information about autism. You’re dealing with this by making yourself out to be the victim. Stop behaving like a moody teenager and start actually looking for help and educating yourself about your daughter’s brain. You are the adult, your daughter is the child. Who do you think is going to help your child if you don’t put in the work to find help? Second bit of frankness: you need to find the funds to pay for parenting help and support for your daughter. If push comes to shove, you can always put her in a cheaper school and free ups lot of money that way to still spend on her, but now on her actual needs. It’s not that you can’t afford therapy, you’re simply choosing to spend money in a different way.

That stuck out to me as well. Can’t afford anything but paying for private school seems rather odd to me.

clearly making the wrong financial choices.
keeping up with the Jone’s or whatever her reason is for private school outweighs her kid’s real needs.

Have you tried giving her tasks to complete to earn what she's demanding? Then refer every demand to has she done xyz yet and keep a written record so she can see progress towards her goal.

Let me know where the money tree you think seems to exist is.

all of my earning go on her school. I can’t afford anything else. I’m on a bursary as well. If I could pay more than I would. Not that it’s relevant. Plenty of people don’t have the money for support the nhs is in tatters.

I wouldn’t have sent her to private school in those circumstances. It’s too tight money wise for you.

🤣

How did this end up as a dissection of my family finances?

Surely she is on a bursary, not you?

The NHS has nothing to do with this situation.

Yes of course it’s her not me.

Maybe because you said that your daughter was constantly asking for money and because other people have suggested that you pay for therapy and you've said you can't afford it

If all your wages are going on her school then something is going to give at some point

Why not?

She has a disability. It’s a medical condition. aSD should be properly funded but like all things it’s not.