For feeling upset that my aunt involved my estranged parents after I asked for help?

[ByAmberRobin]

I’m in my early 30s and currently between jobs. I’m managing but had a short-term rent shortfall this month.

I’m estranged from my parents and have been for some time. I’m estranged due to past serious family issues and have no contact with my dad. One of my boundaries is that I don’t have contact with my dad and I don’t want messages passed between us.

I reached out to my aunt (my mum’s sister) privately to ask if she could help me with some money toward rent. I explained it was difficult for me to ask and that I didn’t want it to become a big family thing.

She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation.

What I didn’t expect is that my dad would also be told (my mum told me that my aunt spoke with them both, not just her). He then messaged me directly (despite me having him blocked/removed on all platforms) saying he wants me to get in touch and that I can come home.

I felt blindsided and upset because I’ve been clear in the past that I don’t want anything involving him and this has caused issues before.

Financially, I may not get help anyway. Emotionally, it’s opened up a lot.

AIBU for feeling betrayed that my aunt escalated this to both parents, when I thought it would just be between her and my mum?

How did he message you if he's blocked?

Also, he can't be daft enough to think you can 'just come home', when you have a contract with your landlord?

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your aunt crossed a line and had no respect for your decisions.

How much money do you need? Would your dad not have noticed it leaving the account?

Most couples would discuss stuff like this, it was unreasonable to think your mum wouldn’t speak to your dad before parting with hundreds of pounds to someone who’s chosen not to have a relationship with them. It was a mistake to ask your aunt I think. I hope you find another solution.

Yanbu if thats what happened but are you sure your mum is telling the truth? I think it equally likely that your aunt spoke with your mum as agreed and your mum went and spoke to your dad and is telling you that your aunt did it to avoid accountability. I would speak to your aunt about it and tell her what your mum said to figure out if it's the truth. If it's true though I'd be reconsidering the relationship with aunt too.

Boundaries are not controlling other peoples behaviour but only about your own. If you didn’t want your father to be consulted you shouldn’t have agreed for the aunt to speak to your mother as this was an obvious risk.

Your aunt is a bit of a flying monkey...
Involving her was a mistake.

Agreeing she could talk to your mum... another mistake.

Aunt was in the wrong but she wont see that... in her mind shes helping.
Also fammmmmlllllllllllyyyy
🙄
It may also be your mum involved your dad which isnt your aunts fault.

Sorry this has happened.

We don't know anything about your aunt or mums finances. If they are wealthy then perhaps they could have helped you without speaking to your dad. If money is tight you are being unreasonable to think they can find the money without involving him. You want to be independent of your dad and never communicate with him but in that case best not to ask your mum for financial help as they are a couple and will discuss things.

Have you got a job lined up? If so and it's a very short term cash flow issue can you get a money transfer from your credit card (if you have one) to your bank? This is an offer like a balance transfer but cash and not the same as withdrawing cash on your credit card which is very expensive.

If not (again if you have a credit card) can you use it for the things you can like food and petrol to keep any money for rent and bills.

Have you put in a claim for universal credit? If you were previously working you should be able to claim new style Job Seekers Allowance.

Unfortunately it’s not really the place of the person asking for a favour/money to put demands and restrictions on the person they are asking.

Your aunt can't be trusted so I'd seriously consider going NC with her too.

I disagree. It’s not fair to drag your aunt into your problems and expect her to keep it secret. That’s making her choose sides. She’s tried to help you but, rightly, isn’t prepared to keep it secret. Same for your mum.

But that OP needs her aunt’s money.

If your mum and dad are still together then surely by telling your aunt she could talk to your mum you knew your dad would also be involved? Or are your parents split up?

If my niece or nephew came to me asking for a substantial amount of money because they’d got into a situation with a landlord, I might tell their parents. Even if NC. If I thought it was the best thing to do. Rather than see them get further into trouble.

It depends on why you are NC and what has gone on.

Unless your parents are divorced and don't speak to eachother, yabu to expect anything to be shared with your mum but kept secret from your dad. Of course they aren't going to keep secrets from eachother. You seem to be assuming a huge amount of telepathy from your family members expecting them to know what you want without explicitly telling them. You have the right to

be nc with your parents but you have to take responsibility for enforcing the boundaries for that, not expecting others to do the work.

How did your dad manage to message you?

You say in your OP that you are estranged from your parents, but then it seems that you would have been happy to take money from your mum as long as your dad wasn't told?

Obviously, we don't know the reasons for the estrangement, but it seems to me that, if you want to be NC with them, then that really needs to include not relying on them for money.

This.
She was very wrong to do this.
Of course she couldn't stop your mother telling your father anyway.

I don't think you can dictate what your Aunt does, especially while asking her for money.

If you were happy for your mum to know, then it was obvious your dad would hear about it too.

You are the one wanting money and yet you are the ones pulling the string

If you want to be independent from your parents then do so and dont involve people that are related to them, you have no right to dictate what she says or does

Where does OP say she's going to go home?

You can still leave a voicemail if you’re blocked. The person’s phone just doesn’t ring out.

If they are still together then your dad is your mum's partner. It wouldn't be right for her to keep secrets from, especially involving his family and especially involving money.

Eh?

where did I even say that? 😳

Her DAD said she could.

Your mum telling your dad isn’t your aunt’s fault. However, her telling your mum is.

You now have to decide if you want to estrange yourself from your aunt.