For feeling upset that my aunt involved my estranged parents after I asked for help?

[ByAmberRobin]

I’m in my early 30s and currently between jobs. I’m managing but had a short-term rent shortfall this month.

I’m estranged from my parents and have been for some time. I’m estranged due to past serious family issues and have no contact with my dad. One of my boundaries is that I don’t have contact with my dad and I don’t want messages passed between us.

I reached out to my aunt (my mum’s sister) privately to ask if she could help me with some money toward rent. I explained it was difficult for me to ask and that I didn’t want it to become a big family thing.

She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation.

What I didn’t expect is that my dad would also be told (my mum told me that my aunt spoke with them both, not just her). He then messaged me directly (despite me having him blocked/removed on all platforms) saying he wants me to get in touch and that I can come home.

I felt blindsided and upset because I’ve been clear in the past that I don’t want anything involving him and this has caused issues before.

Financially, I may not get help anyway. Emotionally, it’s opened up a lot.

AIBU for feeling betrayed that my aunt escalated this to both parents, when I thought it would just be between her and my mum?

That’s quite an unkind comment. OP said there were serious family issues and long-term estrangement. None of us know the history.

She asked her aunt for short-term help and the aunt escalated it beyond what OP agreed to. You can disagree with her decision without implying her estrangement is the problem.

As usual, AIBU is not the place for this kind of post. You'd get a lot more understanding and compassion if you posted in Relationships.

On a practical note, if you're in between jobs with no income and no significant savings, you should be entitled to Universal Credit, so I advise you to claim. That should help tide you over without having to ask family. If you're still struggling, contact your local Citizens Advice - they obviously can't give you money but can help you apply for grants.

You haven't clarified whether your parents are together but I assume they are, and that's how your dad found out. Unfortunately if they are together, you just can't let any information be shared with your mum, because you can't prevent her from sharing it with your dad. Your aunt did ask you before discussing it with your mum so I don't think she is in the wrong. I understand how you feel but try not to hold it against her too much. Do you have a relationship with your aunt at all? Or not really since going NC with your parents?

I’m not NC with everybody. I trusted my aunt enough to reach out to her. My boundaries exist for reasons that I don’t need to detail on a public forum. My post wasn’t about whether estrangement is valid, it was about whether I was unreasonable to expect a private request to stay contained.

Posters are asking you why though.

When your aunt suggested discussing it with your mother, why didn't you say no, I don't want her involved?

I was hesitant and initially said I didn’t want it to become a bigger family situation. I did feel pressured in the moment when she framed it as “you shouldn’t be alone” and “they’re your parents.” In hindsight I can see agreeing to it wasn’t aligned with my boundaries but it didn’t feel as simple in the moment.

So are you saying that you agreed for your aunt to 'reach out' to your mother on your behalf?

So you did agree to it, and now you’re cross and accusing posters of not reading your OP properly when they did?

But you were expecting your aunt to bail you out behind her sister's back.

If one of my nieces was in trouble financially and I didn't tell my brother about it, it would be a horrible betrayal of our relationship as siblings. Of course your aunt wanted to talk to your mum. It's inevitable that your dad would know by extension.

You made the errors in judgement by asking your aunt in the first place, then agreeing when she (very sensitively) asked your permission to speak to your mum.

OK, so you let your boundaries slip. It's ok, you can learn from this moving forward.

But I don't think it's reasonable to blame your aunt in any way. She was probably keen to involve your parents because she wasn't keen to take on the responsibility for financially supporting an adult niece. And given that you had in fact agreed to her talking to your mum, I really can't see what are did wrong - it was inevitably going to get back to your dad if your mum was being asked for financial help.

Just learn from this and move on.

Yes I really do. If it's safe enough for her to do so.

She may get sucked in again and any trauma bond or hopes of being treated with care could resurface. That's potentially going to undo the work she has done on being out of contact so long.

Do I give a shit about them or any more than the above. No.