For feeling upset that my aunt involved my estranged parents after I asked for help?

[ByAmberRobin]

I’m in my early 30s and currently between jobs. I’m managing but had a short-term rent shortfall this month.

I’m estranged from my parents and have been for some time. I’m estranged due to past serious family issues and have no contact with my dad. One of my boundaries is that I don’t have contact with my dad and I don’t want messages passed between us.

I reached out to my aunt (my mum’s sister) privately to ask if she could help me with some money toward rent. I explained it was difficult for me to ask and that I didn’t want it to become a big family thing.

She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation.

What I didn’t expect is that my dad would also be told (my mum told me that my aunt spoke with them both, not just her). He then messaged me directly (despite me having him blocked/removed on all platforms) saying he wants me to get in touch and that I can come home.

I felt blindsided and upset because I’ve been clear in the past that I don’t want anything involving him and this has caused issues before.

Financially, I may not get help anyway. Emotionally, it’s opened up a lot.

AIBU for feeling betrayed that my aunt escalated this to both parents, when I thought it would just be between her and my mum?

Exactly. The OP agreed that the aunt could tell her mum so that her mum and the aunt could "work together to help".

Given that the OP is estranged from her mum, what kind of help would her mum have been able to offer if not financial?

Everyone read your post, which included the information that you agreed that your aunt could contact your mother.

@ByAmberRobin It sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

I don’t think anyone can set a boundary that other people won’t communicate with whomever they choose to communicate with, the boundary is about who you will communicate with.

Your aunt is never going to fully understand the complexity of your relationship with your parents and she is probably most loyal to your mother as the sibling relationship is typically stronger than a niece-aunt relationship. You have to have a relationship with her that respects that if that is the reality of your situation.

Your boundary is probably necessary with your aunt.

Is there anywhere else you can turn? Are there any other practical options you are missing. There was a tonne of extremely serious abuse in my family growing up, no matter the circumstances ever, I could never ever turn to them for support because the cost of that support would end up being enormous. That group of people simply do not have that normal family capacity.

Accepting that means I have to look in other directions when life throws its inevitable curveballs out way. It is incredibly sad that when you are in this situation you do nearly need to become hyper independent but often that is necessary.

so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum

Have read your OP.
You went against your own boundaries.
You are NC with your mum but agreed your aunt could contact her.
I am sure your mum would wish to help you but if neither her nor her sister have the cash needed then your mum would need your dad's help (if in a joint account). The offer of you moving back is an alternative if the shortfall does not fix things or LL serves you notice for defaulting.
You cannot be blaming aunt or mum for that.
You say for all to read your OP but it reads that you are happy to take money from your mum as long as dad does not know. What else did you think "work together to help" would mean.
You may see her as an enabler but your poor mum.

I have read the post properly and it seems that you were expecting your aunt to talk to your mum alone - but she talked about you to your mum and dad together.

I can understand that you may be upset about that ( as you are entitled to be ) but did you make it absolutely clear that you didn’t want your dad involved?

Im a bit confused about the borrowing money from your parents situation? I know you said that you don’t/didnt expect them to bail you out - so what was the point in even involving them?

Also just to add - it’s really irritating when posters get all defensive and do the whole “ oh you don’t know my life/what I’ve been through etc…

No, we don’t! You are just talking about an issue you currently have and it’s almost impossible for anyone to give you the exact right answer.

OP broke the boundary and cannot see the irony of stipulating NC and then reaching out for money (to a close family member). Entitled bdhaviour. OP should step away. Why didn't OP put aside savings when she was working.

Then who will she ask for money?

I think you can’t expect a married couple to keep things from each other.

I see why you are NC with everybody…

If you didn't want your dad to know, you shouldn't have agreed to your aunt speaking to your mum. In this area, even a room in a house share costs around £850 a month so if my nephew needed help with rent, I wouldn't be able to help out with the whole amount. You agreed for your aunt to speak to your mum - why? Your OP states that you are estranged from your parents so why would you want either of them to be inviting your financial issues? It's also unreasonable to expect your mum to keep this from your dad, partly because any money forthcoming is likely to be from the family pot partly because as her husband, she may choose to share this with him.
Unfortunately OP, I think this is all on you, either you are estranged or you're not. If you are, that means no contact at all.

You agreed for your Aunt to speak to your Mum, but she instead spoke to both your parents together. I can understand why you're upset, because your Aunt didn't just tell your Mum, she told your Dad too. However, even if your Aunt had only spoken to your Mum, there was always a possibility, that your Mum told your Dad.

It may be your Aunt thought she was helping and by her telling both of your parents, it might help build bridges between you all.

Your Aunt has avoided the question of her lending you money, by passing the issue onto your parents. I think you have to assume, that your Aunt can't or doesn't want to help you financially. She's passed the buck, so to speak.

So you asked your aunt for money but she didn’t offer you any and said she would speak to your mum which you agreed to…is that right?

Your mistake was in agreeing that your aunt could talk to your mum. I'm NC with my mother and in your situation I'd have to make it really clear to my aunt that I didn't want people I don't have a relationship with involved - even if that meant that the aunt's reply was that she couldn't help with the rent then.

You can't have it both ways - wanting to have nothing to do with your parents and yet being willing to take money from them.

Apologies to the OP because I don't know the backstory between you and your father, but the 'no contact except for money' angle reminded me of this.

I’m afraid that I agree that independence from your parents means independence from your aunt too. I don’t mean that you should cut her off - I don’t believe in cutting people off, but stand on your own feet so you can keep your boundaries.

You sound demanding. Dont expect your aunt to take on your financial issues and your problems with your parents.

This is really unsupportive and blind to the difficulty associated with trying to sustain independence from an abusive family. Part of the experience involves endless feelings of infantalisation, inabilities to thrive as an adult and this sort of act from OP is absolutely no surprise. Learnt and taught helplessness is part of the experience. Only people living in these dysfunctional families understand this.

OP- what I believe happens is you do little things over time that show you that most people associated with the family dynamic are flying monkeys, enablers of abuse even if they're naive and think they're doing the right thing. And you realise, sadly and with slot of grief usually, that you have to let that one go, then the next one. And so on.

Your aunt is part of the network and contact with her now will not be sacred or trustworthy in any way. It's upsetting to realise all this.

Personally, I would take a big handout from mum if she's offering and then remember you will forever be drawn into the abusive dynamic - as their scapegoat - if you continually contact with any of them again thereafter. That includes aunty.

If I could afford it - I'd support a neice where I could without telling the parents. Her allegiance will be to her sister. Her sister is still married to the man you had to go NC with. You can't trust her.

The family issues are nothing to do with OPs job. OP is in her 3Os so should be financially responsible.

Did you specifically tell your aunt that you didn’t want her to tell your father, or did you just assume that she would guess? And are you sure it wasn’t your mother who told your father (as most married couples sharing finances would naturally do) and doesn’t want to admit it?

But in any case, if you are asking for financial help or at least willing to accept help from someone you’ve chosen to be estranged from, I don’t think you’re in a strong position to set conditions. I totally disagree with those encouraging you to estrange yourself from your aunt as well.

So you think OP should speak to her family for long enough to take "a big handout" and then never speak to any of them again. Charming.

For balance, I would love to hear the parents side of the story.

You keep telling people to read your post properly, but I think maybe YOU need to read your post properly! You clearly state that you agreed to your aunt telling your mum so they could help you together. That is you, indirectly, asking your mum/parents for help.

“She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation”

If you didn’t want them to help, you would have said no to your aunt speaking to your mum.

So maybe read your own post back before giving snidey responses to everyone.

I think you’re getting some really horrid comments here OP. I think that your aunt should have said she can’t help and not really suggested speaking to your mum. Also agree that you may have estrange yourself from your aunt also. I hope your situation gets better.

I imagine it was last resort going to your aunt but lesson learned.

You keep telling people they haven’t read your post properly but your post doesn’t seem clear.

You asked for financial help from your aunt-she didn’t say yes, we presume?

Why did you agree to her talking to your mum? I presume you hoped your mum would give you money if your aunt hadn’t?

Apologies I totally misread your post.