For feeling upset that my aunt involved my estranged parents after I asked for help?

[ByAmberRobin]

I’m in my early 30s and currently between jobs. I’m managing but had a short-term rent shortfall this month.

I’m estranged from my parents and have been for some time. I’m estranged due to past serious family issues and have no contact with my dad. One of my boundaries is that I don’t have contact with my dad and I don’t want messages passed between us.

I reached out to my aunt (my mum’s sister) privately to ask if she could help me with some money toward rent. I explained it was difficult for me to ask and that I didn’t want it to become a big family thing.

She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation.

What I didn’t expect is that my dad would also be told (my mum told me that my aunt spoke with them both, not just her). He then messaged me directly (despite me having him blocked/removed on all platforms) saying he wants me to get in touch and that I can come home.

I felt blindsided and upset because I’ve been clear in the past that I don’t want anything involving him and this has caused issues before.

Financially, I may not get help anyway. Emotionally, it’s opened up a lot.

AIBU for feeling betrayed that my aunt escalated this to both parents, when I thought it would just be between her and my mum?

It should have been kept between you and your aunt, ideally involving neither of your parents. Sorry this happened though 💐

@Gottogetmyflyzone The OP agreed that her aunt could tell her Mum.

She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation.

@ByAmberRobin I can understand why you’re upset, but your parents’ accounts may be joint so it could be difficult for your Mum to just quietly give you money ( I’m assuming you need at least several hundred). Plus your Mum is worried about you and your Dad will be the first person she’ll turn to.

I hope things get easier for you soon. 💐

I think you’re asking for money so you can’t dictate what your aunt does.

You are expecting too much of your Aunt, who clearly just wanted to make sure you get the support you need. You can’t put people in awkward situations and then dictate how they deal with it. You can’t insist that married couples keep secrets from each other, even if they are your own parents.

You can’t be NC and still want them to give you money 🤷‍♀️

You are an adult who asked your aunt for help not sure why she needed to involve your parents she either needed to say yes or no
But as soon as she said about speaking to your mum I’d assume your dad would get to know too if they are still together.
All you can do now is shut the conversation down and find another way to get the money (extra work or sell something?) or speak to your landlord about a partial payment and to pay the rest over the next few months.

If my niece came to me asking for a substantial amount of money for rent they are behind on, I would involve their parents too.
As aunt, it’s not my job to bank role my nieces & nephews. YABU.

Depends really on what these “past serious family issues” no one can really say whether it was right or not for your dad to reach out. At the end of the day you approached family for money, agreed your mum could be contacted and presumably she is still married to your father and is therefore party to any financial support required. You are an adult. You made a very adult decision to cut family off and therefore that means not going cap on hand for money - stand by your decisions if you feel them to be so right

You can’t have a boundary on what other people do. Your boundary is your own.

I think you were unrealistic here I’m sorry.

If your aunt went round/phoned up and your dad was there, she may have found it awkward to get your mum on her own and have considered your mum would tell
your dad anyway, so not much difference.

I think you are annoyed with your dad messaging you and projecting this annoyance, but it was probably inevitable however your aunt told your mum.

Are you sure your aunt told your dad? It could be that your she spoke only to your mum and your mum told your dad.

Also, if you are NC with your parents, why are you willing to take money off them?

You can't expect your mum to keep secrets from your dad. You've been very naive and, the way you have written it, quite controlling. (Although I appreciate there may be a lot of background to this that we're not aware of).

You don’t know what the conversation was between your aunt and mum. Your dad has found out, YABU to think he wouldn’t!

The OP is relying upon fammmmmlllllllllllyyyy to pay her rent.

How can you be 'no contact', but expect no strings financial assistance when it suits you?

You can't expect to be bailed out by someone youre nc with.

Of course anything you tell your mum will be told to your dad - and it is unreasonable of you to expect or ask otherwise. You sound very young. It is also unreasonable of you to cut your parents off and then expect them to bail you out. You can't have it both ways. If you are standing on your own two feet, as you should be at your age (unless there is a backstory of disability) then don't cut off your parents and then expect them to help - sort it out yourself. If you wish to rely on them at difficult times in your life then you need to work on repairing your relationship with them.

If you were my niece I'd just have given you the money and not told either of your parents. A pity your Aunt did not/could not have done that.

Aunt got OP’s permission before speaking to mum.

aunt may feel weird going behind sister’s back even if she had the money

You didn’t read the post properly

Thank you to those who read the post properly. I don’t “expect money off family who I’m NC with” hence why I didn’t contact them. I’m not new to estrangement, I’ve been getting on with my own life all this time, for many years without needing anyone’s money.

I dare you those of you who rushed to comment without reading the post properly to walk in my shoes.

It was my aunt that involved my parents.
Read and comprehend before you comment.

I didn’t expect my parents to help actually, read the post properly.

We did read the post. Your aunt contacted your mum with your agreement and you seemingly would have been happy to accept money from your mum if it had been forthcoming.

I find that somewhat surprising from someone who has apparently taken the decision to go NC with her parents.

So why did you agree that your aunt could contact your mum? What other reason would there have been for involving her, given that you are NC in any case?

But the OP agreed in advance that the aunt could tell her mother. That wasn’t the aunt going behind her back.

We did read your post. You agreed for your aunt to speak to your mum. So why agree to that if you didn’t want them involved?