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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take ds to prison to visit his dad

82 replies

Aliceboss · 28/02/2026 19:18

I have a 20 month old little boy I gave birth to him at 17 during pregnancy his dad assaulted someone when he was under the influence and was sent to prison he pleaded guilty etc straight away but we aren't together anymore obviously. I don't have much family and in currently living in one of his dads properties with little boy and they (his dad + stepmum dote on him) his dad feels somewhat guilty for not getting his son help earlier and he visits him often he has said himself that if he didn't plead guilty he wouldn't have anything to do with him now. His dad often takes photos of little boy to show his son but he recently has asked him to stop as it upsets him (his dad things but he hasn't said this himself he just told him to stop) he's never met him. His dad now wants to take him to visit him, he said I can come too but I'm unsure but also worried if I say no as I live with in his property and it is cheaper than normal rent and I don't want to ruin our relationship I have with his parents as my family aren't involved at all

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 28/02/2026 19:27

I think that you should take him.
Take care OP, you have alot to deal with

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 19:30

How long is his sentence OP?

I think it’s fine at that age

I do say I’m a bit uncomfortable at the thought of your violent ex’s dad being your landlord. He’s his dad and will take his side, it could get tricky for you

caringcarer · 28/02/2026 19:31

I don't think a prison is the place to take an innocent child. If his dgp loves his dgs he won't blackmail you into talking your toddler to a prison. Surely his Dad can wait until he gets out to see his ds.

Original poster
Aliceboss · 28/02/2026 19:32

He's not likely to get released until next year @YiddlySquat

OP posts:
TalulahJP · 28/02/2026 19:32

if looking at a photo upsets him how will meeting his son in real life inside prison go down? im thinking it would upset him more. it might be too much to bear.

i think i might write to him to ask if he wants to meet his son and tell his father that you're doing this. if he wants to meet him i’d allow it.

how long is he in for?

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 19:32

Aliceboss · 28/02/2026 19:32

He's not likely to get released until next year @YiddlySquat

Do you have support from your parents or family and friends?

TalulahJP · 28/02/2026 19:33

ah next year. fair enough, his son will still be little and too young to remember anything really.

Pleatherandlace · 28/02/2026 19:34

I have no experience so am not going to try to tell you what to do. All I will say is you sound young and vulnerable. Please don’t let anyone pressure you into anything. Do what your heart tells you is right for your child.

PullTheBricksDown · 28/02/2026 19:34

Not sure if I'd want my son to meet his dad for the first time in prison. But if it was going to happen, no way would it be with someone else and not me. I would go with him.

simpledeer · 28/02/2026 19:35

Does he actually want his child to visit? In my experience most parents don’t want their DC being anywhere near the kind of people they will be mixing with in the visiting room. There are often fights breaking out if a known paedophile is thought to have looked at another inmates child. I really wouldn’t do it.

Favouritefruits · 28/02/2026 19:36

As he’s only little and won’t remember it, I’d take him. It’s a kindness to his Dad who’s let you live in his property. If he was older I’d say absolutely not but at that age there will be no damage.

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 19:37

simpledeer · 28/02/2026 19:35

Does he actually want his child to visit? In my experience most parents don’t want their DC being anywhere near the kind of people they will be mixing with in the visiting room. There are often fights breaking out if a known paedophile is thought to have looked at another inmates child. I really wouldn’t do it.

I’ve never been to a prison but do they not have family rooms for when children visit? Or am I being naive?

PinkLegoBalloon · 28/02/2026 19:38

I don't understand how his dad thinks that when a photo upsets him, that taking the little one to prison will be less upsetting for him??

It sounds quite a vulnerable position to me, you living in one of their properties. The fact you have also felt this when he's asked you about your little boy going in to prison is making you feel quite sad and worried for you. 😔

Lmnop22 · 28/02/2026 19:39

If he’s serving 50% of his sentence, has already been inside almost 2 years and won’t be released until next year, that must’ve been a very serious assault…

I know you’re reliant at the moment about your DC’s paternal grandfather but don’t let him pressure you into making prison visits or having violent men in your child’s life

murasaki · 28/02/2026 19:48

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 19:37

I’ve never been to a prison but do they not have family rooms for when children visit? Or am I being naive?

Edited
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No, there's often a play area outside for while you're waiting, but families are in the main visiting room with everyone else. He'll be checked for contraband on the way in as people try to hide stuff in nappies. I visited a friend a few times and found it all very sad re the kids. They sometimes do family days, but only a couple of times a year.

Bogorf · 28/02/2026 19:48

There is a program in some prisons where the Dad can record himself reading a bedtime story and the tape is then passed onto the children. Is this something he might find helpful, rather than a visit?

https://www.storybookdads.org.uk

Storybook Dads

At Storybook Dads, we help parents in prison to record bedtime stories and messages for their children as audio or video. For many families, these stories are a lifeline, helping to heal rifts and build vital family relationships. It shows the children...

https://www.storybookdads.org.uk

Readyforarest · 28/02/2026 19:52

You are still so young OP and living in your violent ex's Dad's property. I wouldn't take baby to visit and would prioritise finding accommodation away from this family.

simpledeer · 28/02/2026 19:54

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 19:37

I’ve never been to a prison but do they not have family rooms for when children visit? Or am I being naive?

Edited
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Not at my local prison, no.

Fgfgfg · 28/02/2026 19:56

There are a range of advice and information leaflets for taking children to visit prisons and some also run family days. If he's in a Northern prison there's lots of information from PoPs. Similar organisations for prisons all over the country.
https://www.partnersofprisoners.co.uk/

Elle771 · 28/02/2026 19:56

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 19:37

I’ve never been to a prison but do they not have family rooms for when children visit? Or am I being naive?

Edited
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Not all prisons do. Full blown fights can happen just feet from toddlers and prison staffing in visits halls isn't great.

I wouldn't OP sorry. Baby will be searched/nappy checked, too many variables and he will be young enough when dad comes out to have relationship with him. If you really wanted him to go then dont send him with someone else he will need his mum.

BlueMum16 · 28/02/2026 19:57

TalulahJP · 28/02/2026 19:32

if looking at a photo upsets him how will meeting his son in real life inside prison go down? im thinking it would upset him more. it might be too much to bear.

i think i might write to him to ask if he wants to meet his son and tell his father that you're doing this. if he wants to meet him i’d allow it.

how long is he in for?

I agree with a letter.

He may want a relationship with your DC now or when he's out. But you should probably give him the choice carefully to protect yourself from getting hurt.

TheAmazingShrinkingWoman · 28/02/2026 19:58

There will be support in your area - google CAPO services (children affected by parental offending) for your area. What category prison is it?

QuirkyOpal · 28/02/2026 20:09

number 1 priority: your son’s needs
number 2 priority: yourself
number 3 or even lower: your ex

I feel a bit scared of your ex with his history of violence. It feels like there is a power imbalance between you and his family, since you rent at a low rate from his dad. Be really clear about your boundaries and expectations, that if you visit, it is in no way romantic and you are not going down that road again. It would be very generous of you to take your son and he’s probably too young to notice the environment. Be careful OP, sending you strength xx

Original poster
Aliceboss · 28/02/2026 20:13

i don't know if it would help but his dad seems to think he's upset because he has no relationship with his son and he doesnt have many visitors apart from his dad and stepmum

I don't have any support apart from his family really so I don't want to cause any problems as my little boy loves them and they love him

He was under the influence when the assault happened which probably added more to his sentence i don't believe his dad would stick by him as a poster said as his dad was the one who called the police after he found out what he did and he admitted that he would have has no relationship with him if he pleaded not guilty

OP posts:
SENDChaos · 28/02/2026 20:13

A prison visitor hall is not a place for a child and personally I don’t think his dad should WANT his son to have memories of visiting a prison.

If you choose to agree to it, make sure it’s a family day visit where they can properly interact and he can actually get off his chair to play with his son

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