To take ds to prison to visit his dad

[Aliceboss]

I have a 20 month old little boy I gave birth to him at 17 during pregnancy his dad assaulted someone when he was under the influence and was sent to prison he pleaded guilty etc straight away but we aren't together anymore obviously. I don't have much family and in currently living in one of his dads properties with little boy and they (his dad + stepmum dote on him) his dad feels somewhat guilty for not getting his son help earlier and he visits him often he has said himself that if he didn't plead guilty he wouldn't have anything to do with him now. His dad often takes photos of little boy to show his son but he recently has asked him to stop as it upsets him (his dad things but he hasn't said this himself he just told him to stop) he's never met him. His dad now wants to take him to visit him, he said I can come too but I'm unsure but also worried if I say no as I live with in his property and it is cheaper than normal rent and I don't want to ruin our relationship I have with his parents as my family aren't involved at all

The length of the sentence tells you it’s serious. Or there is likely a history of violent offending

Well w none of us know if he’s going to have a relationship with him once he’s out because we don’t know what he’s actually inside for

We are all products of our environment. I would not be taking my child to that environment.

Well it’s obviously serious but in the eyes of the law is he going to be a danger to the child? Licensing? Is he banned from an area? Will he be allowed to live in a home with her and the child?

I wouldn't take him to visit his dad in prison if he were my son. I might reconsider if his dad were going to be in for years and it was the only way for him to have a relationship but if your ex will be released next year, then, no I wouldn't advise it.

Prison is no place for a child. No judgement to anyone who does take their children to visit, everyone's situation is different. I simply think that neither you or the child will gain anything from it given your ex will be free in a year.

You're young op, and you're being helped a lot by his parents so that may mean you feel obliged or guilty, but you don't owe them anything. Its important to have boundaries in your life and in family set ups.

Also even though they believe he’ll be out next year, a lot can change in 12 months

Ask him first. Write to him or ask his Dad to ask him. I was in prison (non-violent or sexual crime and I was very much not the type of person familiar with prisons or anything like that so it was quite the shock to the system) and my young children visited every week. It didn't take months to arrange. They visited me every week from the very beginning. I could interact with them, play with them, hold them, walk about the room, do puzzles on the floor with them etc. Bit of a different situation because obviously I had a relationship with them first but for me personally I had no issues with them visiting a prison. People have ideas about what prisons are like usually based in what they see on TV and in films. Some prisons may be like that but many these days are not and the visiting rooms look nothing like a prison. Visiting times for children are often held at specific times not just during general visiting hours so any other peoples receiving visits would also have children visiting them. Also not every prison searches children or checks nappies. My children were never searched or even touched at all. They just went through a metal detector. They still believe they were visiting mummy "at work". You can sometimes find pictures of the visiting rooms at the prison online if you search online. But definitely ask him first. Might not be the same in his prison but we had to request the visitors to come by submitting a form so it's not like people could just show up at visiting time unannounced. It was all pre-planned.

I have a 20 month old little boy I gave birth to him at 17 during pregnancy his dad assaulted someone

The child is a little over 1 1/2, Dad assaulted someone whilst she was pregnant and went to prison after, so most likely around 2 years so far, another year inside makes around 3 years served. So he may very well have had a sentence for assault as that can be up to 7 years if there is a racial/religious aspect.

He wouldn't have served 5 years by the time he's released and he wasnt sentenced to 10 years either im not defending him but he wasnt sentenced to that long

Social services aren't involved i don't have a social worker just because I gave birth at 17. I was living with family but they were saying cruel things about him and that I should've had an abortion he was already here so it was just unnecessary and not helpful and I don't think they'd add anything positive to my sons life that haven't asked about him for example ever over text

The health visitor constantly changes and isn't that involved so I don't know if i’d feel comfortable explaining all that to someone I will likely meet once especially because it's likely to be over the phone

Don’t forget time on remand, what stage of her pregnancy did he go to prison.

It's a no from me.

He's 20m I dont think its fair to your child.

Prison is scary for adults.

I wouldnt want to expose my child to that.

My husband god forbid he was in that position wouldnt either....
He
a. Wouldn't want our kids to see him like thet
B. Wouldn't put his needs (of wanting to see them) above their needs (a safe loving environment ... because lets be real visiting a prison is not suitable for childen)

He'll be out in a year or so.... I'd wait

Most prisons have a family room or somewhere for children to play and their imprisoned parent to play with them. Your little boy won't remember visiting his Dad in prison and won't have any understanding or concept of being in prison. I would check out from his Dad what the prison is like inside, and if it sounds positive, just take him along. I worked in a Victorian prison for 5 years, and family visits were fine. Good luck

Don’t ever think that myself personally was judging you as a mum and definitely not because you’re 17 either!

It’s not always a bad thing to have support from Social Services. I have the invoked due to my son being SEND, nothing to do with my parenting so comments suggesting speak to SS ismt automatically a dig at you.

@Aliceboss No one here will really be able to give you relevant advice as we don’t know the full circumstances of the crime (and I don’t think you need to share that with posters here either) or whether this is likely to reoccur or if he has learnt and wants to get his life sorted when he’s out. A good supportive family (and I mean his parents, not you) are a massively positive factor in rehabilitation so that’s a good sign. There are a fair few charities that can help families of prisoners with emotional support over issues like this, it may be worth googling for which one operates in your area and talking it all through with them, they’ll be confidential so it won’t be shared with anyone. But ultimately do what you think is best to keep you and your DC safe.

i don’t have an opinion of if you should encourage contact with his dad, that is up to you to judge. However on the actual question of should a child visit prison, I think it would be fine. I visited someone in prison a few times, I was absolutely terrified before I went, hadn’t a clue what to expect and had visions of steal tables and glass between us. The truth was it was actually very comfortable, essentially like a big assembly hall with paintings, soft furnishings, a tuck shop, they even had a kids play area with some toys and books for the little ones. I was quite impressed actually and it seemed well set up to try and keep family bonds between prisoners and families. This was a fairly newly built prison so it may just be very dependent on facilities, but tbh if it’s like the one I visited, your baby won’t know any difference between the visiting area or any other official building (hospital waiting area/ schools/ health centres etc)

Have you discussed with his dad, what things are going to be like when your ex is released? Does ex support them supporting you? Will ex be ok with that arrangement continuing or will he come out and expect you to get back with him?

Whilst I know you’re getting a lot of support from them, and it’s nice for them and your son, I hope there are boundaries and they respect you.

completely agree with this. The grandad want to take him to visit because he maybe feels bad for not getting him help isn’t healthy and a red flag for future boundaries being crossed.

his son has clearly said he doesn’t want the baby coming to the prison but he keeps pushing. He’s not respecting his boundaries either

My ex knows his family supports me and I think he's okay with it he originally was the one who asked for updates etc so his dad shows him pictures on every visit up until the most recent one when he asked him to stop it could be because he looks like a proper child now and not a baby but i don't know I'm not him it was also his dad saying he was upset and not he himself. It was a longer sentence because was due to racism, he didn't use any weapons

I wouldn't take a small child to a prison. Nor would I facilitate contact with a violent father.

Ultimately this is a conversation for you and your sons dad, no one else

If only life was that black and white

He might one day be sent to an open prison? Or have day release etc. a prison is no place for a toddler or a child to be honest. It's serious, lots of body searches, going from one room to an other, nobody smiling, guard very serious. You can't take in what you would probably want or need to take in for LO. Try and gently persuade step dad it's probably best to wait. Prison is not a nice place

I’ve done prison visits at a similar age to you, it is not nice at all. I was in a controlling relationship and forced. I would not want my child going there and definitely not without me, I had a child of the same age at your age.

i am sorry you don’t have any support being a young single mum I know how challenging that can be. Contact your local council as you should be on the housing list as you and your son need a permanent address and to be able to build a decent life. I hope things get better for both of you.

your exs parents are just that. Ok to see their grandchild sometimes but once the father is out of prison that will be with him involved. That’s when it will get complicated.

I would write to your ex and ask him if he would like you to visit with the baby. If I was in your shoes, I personally would want to go myself. I don’t think I’d want someone taking my son without me.

I write this as someone whose own father was in prison for a short period when I was an child and we used to visit. That was many years ago now but it was very different to what you see on tv etc.

This really is not the case in many prisons.