To take ds to prison to visit his dad

[Aliceboss]

I have a 20 month old little boy I gave birth to him at 17 during pregnancy his dad assaulted someone when he was under the influence and was sent to prison he pleaded guilty etc straight away but we aren't together anymore obviously. I don't have much family and in currently living in one of his dads properties with little boy and they (his dad + stepmum dote on him) his dad feels somewhat guilty for not getting his son help earlier and he visits him often he has said himself that if he didn't plead guilty he wouldn't have anything to do with him now. His dad often takes photos of little boy to show his son but he recently has asked him to stop as it upsets him (his dad things but he hasn't said this himself he just told him to stop) he's never met him. His dad now wants to take him to visit him, he said I can come too but I'm unsure but also worried if I say no as I live with in his property and it is cheaper than normal rent and I don't want to ruin our relationship I have with his parents as my family aren't involved at all

I have been in prison visiting areas a lot. I am a solicitor and did my stint in crime,

The atmosphere is horrible . I remember it well over 2 decades on .

I would not take a child there.

Let her live in his house? Sorry but what part did she contribute towards his choice which landed him in prison?

This 💯

I don’t think it would be in the best interests of such a little child to go on a prison visit. Bonding at that age needs little and often. If grandad puts you under pressure and threatens your housing, I’d consider stopping his contact.

You only have his dad’s impression that your ex was distressed by the pictures. In reality he just asked his dad to not show him them he could simply not care.

you are young and vulnerable and right now your ex’s family seem to be the only support you have (other than here - clearly people here care about you). I’d say to the father that you’ve read prisons can be very upsetting for children and you think it’s best if they have their first meeting when your ex is free.

im sorry you are facing this. Have you spoken to social services or your council to see if they can help you at all

Speak to your health visitor.
Do you have a social worker? Speak to them.
Your son is very young and unlikely to fully understand who this person is he visiting.
Ask advice before you go
Your hv can refer you to local support

I wouldn’t. Seeing you and his child gives other inmates things to use as leverage over him.

Best advice I’ve seen! He’ll be on licence when he’s released so what are his terms for this? Is he going to an assisted accommodation first or straight home?

Are you comfortable with my bubba watching his dad charge his tag twice a day cause that’s what will happen?

Seriously @Aliceboss your partner must have done something very serious for that sentence. His father sounds as thiugh he is facilitating him and you sound like younare getting drawn into a web.

On my opinion you need to remove yiurself and your son from them asap. Can you contact a refuge? Please jusut get away. It sounds as though there is manipulation going on here.

I think the request needs to come from him not his dad. Say that.* *

And you are very young too. A big decision fir anyone to make.
Get some advice.
Speak to your health visitor.
Presumably you have or had a social worker as you were only 17 ? Talk to them . Get advice from someone involved with families with someone in prison

Just move on. Forget him! Why would you want a violent drunk back in your life?

It would have to be him that put a request in to allow the visit, a take months be approved and that’s if it is approved we don’t know much about the offence etc. she would also have to visit with Childs birth certificate and passport. I don’t know how it works for someone else to take the child to the visit without her being there

I visited someone in prison a lot about 7 years ago and the atmosphere was fine. Not saying you should go though.
you do sound very vulnerable and being afraid to say no is no way to bring up a child especially as dad will be out at some point and then what?
Can you at least talk to the grandad about how you feel under pressure and don’t want to upset him? I think you really seriously need to think about how to widen your support network as well

He's too young to have memories of prison visits. It's just a question of whether his dad should see him, if he actually wants to.

Have you thought about video calling instead of in person visit? Not that I do either personally.

I hope his dad has been using his time wisely and thinking about how he’s going to explain this to his child when he’s old enough to understand

I know. I was more thinking that it's the gf who wants his son to have a visit while the son doesn't (he doesn't want to see a photo so would he want to see his son?).

He’s currently 30 months and the dad has another year

your ex’s dad sounds like a good man but I think you need to clarify whether he has a hope or expectation that you three will live together as a family upon your ex’s release?
I know two years seems like a long time but it really isn’t, and I’d hate for you to feel in such debt to this family that you end up living together in the future.
You are clearly a thoughtful kind young woman, but you absolutely must build on your independence over these next two years and secure a property of your own either in social housing or private rental. I know it’s hard ❤️ but not impossible.

To answer your question. Do you have a health visitor who might help you make an unbiased decision, or who might help you speak to ex’s dad if you want to say no?

How long of a sentence was he given because it sounds like he’ll be out after serving 5 years, half of a 10 year sentence.

that doesn’t sound like a sentence for assault

Please do not take a baby to a prison for their first meeting with the dad.

No, it’s a serious assault and / or he has previous convictions. Not a good parent for your child either way OP.

Your ex ‘s dad is trying to get you and his son back in his life as an aid to get him back on track in all probability.

You must put your son first OP, I think you shouid look for somewhere else to live

The term assault is so broad. I could push someone over and it’s classed as assault. Was it with a weapon? Car? SA?

without knowing that we can’t really give true advice of that makes sense

My uncles were in prison for a couple of years when I was the same age as your DS and I was apparently taken to visit them a lot. I have absolutely no recollection of this at all. So long term it’ll do no damage if you do take him.

What I would consider is what you expect their relationship to be once he’s out of prison. If you expect contact then I would gradually start to see him now, so they have the chance to form a bond BUT, having had family members in prison for similar reasons I would write to him first and discuss this with him, including whether he wants his son to visit and what his plan is after regarding getting help for drug and alcohol use.

I have no contact at all with most of my extended family as an adult due to drugs/alcohol/violence and would never let my children meet them. If he isn’t going to get help I would suggest you need to have a really honest conversation with his dad about what he expects their relationship to be after and how you can keep your DS safe, and if they just think it’ll all fine then I’d look to move if possible, to stop yourself and your DS being reliant on them for housing.

What are your concerns?

At that age I would happily take my child ti visit their mum/dad in prison.

Whether you take him yourself or get the grandparents to take him is entirely your choice and how comfortable you feel leaving him with them.

He’s going to have a relationship with him when he gets out so it makes sense to start it now.