To move home 3 months after emigrating?

[OneGoldKoala]

My husband got a job in another European country so we sold up and we all moved with him… all very exciting but oh my goodness I’m so unhappy. It’s so lonely. Our toddler is so disregulated. I’m crying all the time. Husband is constantly working.

AIBU to throw in the towel, admit it was a huge mistake and go home?

I’d probably give it a bit longer. What will happen, will your DH stay out there? Can you speak the language? The first year will be tough, so i’d give it longer to settle.

It really does take time to settle. Throwing the towel in after 3 months is extreme imo, not to say ridiculously premature given you 'sold up' back in UK.

Making new friends, meeting other English speaking mums, learning the language and getting some time on your own, to explore your new city will help.

Assimilation takes years sometimes.

Do you speak the language?

It takes times to settle and make friends

I don’t speak the language yet, but I’m learning.

Do you want to tell us where you are? There are Mumsnetters all over who may be able to come up with more useful/ specific tips.

Three months is far, far too early to give up. Your toddler is probably picking up on your intense unhappiness, which is making him/her dysregulated and stressing you out in turn. Do you speak the language? Are you able to work there? Are there any groups for new immigrants locally you could join?

I get that it feels awful now, but I genuinely think it's much too soon to have the measure of a place. Did you plan to stay permanently, or was it always intended to be for a finite period?

It’s really not enough time. I need to give it a good year.

You have to give it a bit longer. It took me almost a year to not cry every day when we moved aboard (UK to KSA). Ended staying for 6 years, mostly very happy, before I came home. I miss it very much!

YANBU, come home.

6 months before you start feeling .ore at east 1 year before it begins to feel like home.

Yes 3 months is too early. What can you do to avoid feeling lonely are there any groups to go to. Any other British people you can meet with.

Are you comfortable sharing the country?

It’s too early.
Try posting on the living overseas board, if you haven’t already.
Reckon four months is about peak misery, nothing is new and exciting anymore but everything is still hard.
After a year you will have a much clearer idea. Make as many friends as possible, say yes to everything you are offered. Make sure your DH is leveraging all his network at work to get you company. Work as hard as you can on the language, join every English speaking Facebook group possible for your area.
It is a really hard thing you are doing but it will get easier with time.

You need to give it at least 6 months. It's early days at the moment, try to find a routine to your week, some regularity will help you , good luck 👍

3 months is awfully early but on the other hand if you stay much longer your child will be considered settled there so you won’t have the option to move back with them unless your DH agrees. Only you can decide if that’s a risk you are willing to take.

Focus on finding friends for yourself, especially fellow foreigners because you can bond over settling in. There might be English language parent or hobby groups you can join. I find it takes longer to make local friends, especially if you're not working and/or don't speak the language yet, so you feel a bit on the outside looking in for a long time.

After three months the novelty wears off and it can get really hard. Has your DH committed to a fixed term or is it meant to be permanent?

To what?

To family, friends and whatever she is missing.

Although it probably feels like forever, three months is really early in the settling process. Novelty has worn off but you haven’t had time to create your life there yet so you’re left floundering for a bit. Agree with PP, find some English speaking groups. You can join groups in the native language in time, but you need some support / social interaction now. Your DC will be a great way to meet people.

Read ‘A Broad Abroad’ by Robin Pascoe, very honest account of her experience as a ‘trailing spouse’. I found it very reassuring in the crying everyday phases.

Also think realistically about what coming home looks like. Can / would your DH leave the new job? Living in separate countries is not an easy option either.

Which country? I'd throw myself into it. Good luck x

Homesickness is shit, but it doesn’t last at the horrid level you’re at now, ime. I think you need at least a year in a new country before you start feeling even a bit at home, and two years to know if it’s going to work out longer term.

How does your husband feel? Can you have a chat and agree some review dates? After say six months to see what’s working and what isn’t, and to set a further date for a decision on staying longer or leaving?

In the meantime, join whatever you can: local
groups like language lessons for immigrants (any, not just British), sports clubs if that’s your thing, children’s activities… as others have said if you can say which country, people could make focused suggestions.

As someone who moved to Oz for her dhs career, fuck it! Throw in the towel. My dh was at work all day, I was home with baby and toddler trying my best to make sense of it and meet people, get on with life. It’s was fucking hard, I won’t lie.
i’d given up my job in the Uk which I loved and was now looking after two kids bored out of my mind waiting for dh to come home.
In hindsight, I wished I’d talked to him.

My sister had this. It was a country where she didn't speak the main language but there was a widely spoken second language she did speak, but she was miserable nonetheless. She persevered and gave it 15 months then they gave up and moved home. Even with family visits, she really missed life in the uk. Not everyone is suited to emigration.

We lived abroad for 5 years, children were 5 & 8 when we moved. We actually moved for my job but I cried every weekend for weeks. I can’t remember exactly how many, but one weekend I realised I hadn’t cried! We had 5 fantastic years where the main question of the day was ‘do we swim in the pool or the sea’ and at the weekends, we could do both.
I would say give it time, 3 months is really not long enough. Try and go to places where you can meet other families with young children. Are there local toddler groups? Language shouldn’t really be a barrier at places like that. Does your DH know if any of his colleagues have wives/partners with young children that you could arrange to meet up?
I wish you well but try for another 3 months and see how you feel then.

You need to give it a bit longer. Check out Facebook groups to meet local mums or foreign mums (these groups are usually in English). How is the child care over there? If it’s good put toddler in a couple of days a week and get some work/volunteer/study to help fill your time and meet people

This.

If you're still not settled in a year, will your husband agree to you all coming back to the UK?

If he insists on staying himself, will he let you leave and return to the UK with your child? If he won't, to be with your child you'll have to stay.