To move home 3 months after emigrating?

[OneGoldKoala]

My husband got a job in another European country so we sold up and we all moved with him… all very exciting but oh my goodness I’m so unhappy. It’s so lonely. Our toddler is so disregulated. I’m crying all the time. Husband is constantly working.

AIBU to throw in the towel, admit it was a huge mistake and go home?

I moved back to the UK after living abroad for over a decade. I would say it took me a good 2 years to feel ok and I was pretty unhappy a lot - and that is without the culture shock and language barrier. I hope you can find things to help you settle.

You need to give it a good 12-18m
(I’ve lived abroad myself )
sending hugs
try to find an expat community

It seems a bit defeatist to go back after only 3 months. You're moving into sunnier warmer months now, so hang in there.

I think it's too soon to decide to go back, it takes time to settle. It will be hard for the toddler to stay regulated if you aren't, if you're crying all the time then your child is going to stress too. Are there any children's groups you could join to meet people and feel a bit less lonely? Sorry you are struggling so much, I hope things get easier for you.

Homesickness is awful. My cousin and her husband and 2 small children moved to Australia 20 years ago. My cousin cried every single day for about 9 months. Her letters were heartbreaking.
Then suddenly one day she pulled herself together, joined some mum clubs, started to make friends and never looked back. She loves it now, the only downside is its such a long way to visit loved ones. Her parents are now retired and come over for a month every year which helps x
Don't throw the towel in just yet OP.
Give it a bit more time x

3 months is too early - I moved abroad from London to a European city when I was pregnant, took 12 months to feel settled, and 6 years later I'm still here. Love it and wouldn't change a thing. I joined peanut app and met other mums that way.

It took me a year and that was in an English speaking country. Once got past first year then things really settled BUT I didn't have children so I got a job and made friends etc

After three months you have barely unpacked. You have to at least try. You sold your house!

You’ve got culture shock. It’s a known thing. It gets much better but it’s horrible when you’re in it. Ironically I studied it at university, starting two weeks after mine was so bad that I cried in the supermarket and all over a poor Spanish man.

Your toddler will regulate, but they’ll do it much faster if you regulate first. You can’t help them coregulate right now. Bringing them home won’t immediately regulate them either, it’s more change. After 3 months, you’ve gotta get through this bit regardless, now.

Three months is already enough for your toddler to be considered settled if you’ve properly made the move. It isn’t just time based, but intent based. You’d need legal advice to see what the situation is if you genuinely want to return before/without your husband.

I’d say that if you want to have a good go at it you need to commit for 12 months, really try to find friends for you and LO, make a life for yourself tnere.
However, if you had reservations at the start and you know it won’t work, or maybe you don’t want to make it work, then don’t waste another day and go home.

Wherever you are in Europe you've been therr for the shittiest 3 months of the year! Get to thr summer and then see how you feel. I live abroad and its tough but I like it here more than the uk!

Thing is if OP goes back to the UK will it really be much better? She have to find somewhere to live, a way to support herself and solo parent 2 small kids.

And if the DH stays there she going to be alone much if the time abyway

Not all sunshine and rainbows

I’d give it a year before you pull the plug.

It’s winter. Unless you’re in they Seychelles, everything is depressing when it’s cold and you’re bundled up with a toddler.

It’s not quite comparable but when we moved to our current home (same town but different part of it) 3 years ago I felt horrific for the first six months. I posted on here about it in the moving home thread and everyone said see how you feel when you’ve lived there a year, and if you still hate it talk to DH about moving again. By the time a year came round I was settled.

I think it’s the same with a large move - until you’ve given it a full year you haven’t really experienced the place entirely so you can’t make a fair judgement on it.

in the meantime:

Do you like the property you’re in? Can you do anything re: buying some nice plants, art, rugs etc to make it feel comfortable and comforting?

Do you have any language barrier in the new location ? Can you meet up with ex pats? Can you join a group to connect with other locally?

You say you have a toddler - tbh toddlers are constantly dysregulated, there’s a reason the phrases terrible twos and threenager exist, please don’t worry about them. It’s a hard stage of parenting in general when your partner is working a lot. Is there any nursery care available that would give you time and space to explore this new place alone?

It takes two years to settle anywhere .You have moved during the winter months When the sun comes out so will all the people .Life will brighten up .I cannot stress how important learning the language is .Without knowing the local language you will always be isolated .

Have a little resilience and give it some more time - it will of course take time for you all to settle in.
If you feel the same after a year, think again.

All really good advice thank you! We have a routine with regular toddler classes & sports so see the same people weekly but I can’t get past small talk which is so frustrating because in the UK I made so many friends this way. Have chatted to people on peanut but not yet made any real life friends despite arranging play dates. Toddler will be starting nursery soon which will give me some time to myself but my heart just isn’t in it. I know he’ll settle, learn the language and make friends but I’m so sad that I’ll be watching him play and struggle to follow their conversation.

I just feel like such an outsider and I’m mourning my old life. All of these issues are me issues, I’m so aware of that. Will give it some more time, but my heart isn’t here. DH understands that and has said if we do decide the UK is our future, we’ll work it out.

Moved frequently as a trailing spouse. I would sat 2 to 4.months in were always thenlow point. Novelty worn off, missing friends etc. It gradually picks up but you do need to throw alotnof energy and effort into building the life you want.
I had new life fatigue at one place and just could be arsed to put myself out there. It was the most miserable place we ever lived.

Relocating is very hard. You do have to dig deep and put alot of effort into getting established. Such mixing with people and social situations you wouldn't probably opt for back in the UK. It eventually pays off.

3 months is a bit early to be content imo. Give it at least a year.

But you’ve been there three months. Of course you haven’t made any friends yet. I have things in my fridge older than that!

Also (and I mean this kindly, because I’ve also moved round a lot and I remember the slightly panic-stricken loneliness that hit me at times), obvious unhappiness and desperation isn’t a good mindset for making new friends. It stops you from engaging properly with other people, seeing them as individuals you might potentially gel with, and makes you come across as ‘any port in a storm’. When you feel more at ease with your decision, you’re far more likely to meet people you like.

Yeah you need more time. The first 6 months can be quite hard.
Once your toddler is in nursery make sure to attend physical classes for language, if you cannot now. For now try to find some expat groups. Don't necessarily have to be your nationality. I got on really well with completely different group to my nationality during last move.
I cried a lot when I moved countries the first time. Second time was much better. Even moving city to city can be quite a hit.

3 months is very early. But if you don’t speak the local language that well then it’s realistically going to be a while before you’re at the level to fluently engage in conversation in a group setting so I think you need to look for expat groups if you really want to give settling your best shot. Anything English speaking e.g. American mom groups etc. Also would there be the option for DD to go to nursery at a British/International school? They can be quite good with parent events/mixers.

Three months is nothing; i had the same feelings when we moved from the UK.

Depending on what city/country you're in, there should be plenty of expat tribes to loop in with, since it's going to take time to bring your language up to speed. Local Facebook groups are your friend here.

In the meantime, plan your days once your toddler starts nursery; language classes (in person, not online) where you'll meet folk in a similar boat, exercise classes etc.

Are there any local international schools nearby? Find the nearest cafe, and make contact with the mums.

Btw, I'd ask for this to be moved to the 'Living Overseas' board. So far, most of the responses here have been sensible, but you'll get more balanced responses from people like us who've actually been in your situation.

Never quit on a bad day.

Change is hard, so just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to try and make it work.

Making friends works differently in different cultures even within Europe.
In some people generally don't go around in open to friendship mode. It opens over the time as you become a familiar part of the environment.

Expat groups are generally easier with more people in similar situation - used to people coming and going, no big family locally, no close friendship group which didn't change in 20 years

I lived abroad and it took me a year to settle. Give it longer and be kind to yourself xx