To move home 3 months after emigrating?

[OneGoldKoala]

My husband got a job in another European country so we sold up and we all moved with him… all very exciting but oh my goodness I’m so unhappy. It’s so lonely. Our toddler is so disregulated. I’m crying all the time. Husband is constantly working.

AIBU to throw in the towel, admit it was a huge mistake and go home?

We moved back to my home country when DC was 18 months. It took me ages to settle back in (had been in the UK for most of my adult life, nearly 20 years by then)...and that was without language issues and having to stay at home. We were lucky in that it was coming up to summer, and it was a great summer that year. You need to give it some time.
Give the mum groups some time, too.

Same here. I’d been gone almost 30 years. It took years to start to feel at home again.

If you want to meet people, don't wait for it to naturally go beyond small talk the way you're used to it in the UK, you'll both be missing plenty of linguistic and cultural references and it'll take forever. Me and my other friends abroad all agree that the best method is to simply say after a minute or two of small talk "Could we exchange numbers? I've only just moved here and don't really know anyone yet." Then text them a couple of days later to make plans at a child-friendly place. You won't hit it off with everyone, but if you keep at it, you'll soon find the ones you really click with.
Another friend of mine doesn't even always wait for the small talk, just after any toddler activity turns to a random mum and asks if she wants to grab a coffee. Most mums at home with toddlers are happy for a bit of adult company!

I moved to UK and found it totally overwhelming. And that was just from another English speaking country . I promised myself that I would give it at least a year so I could experience every event like Xmas or summer. Obviously I was fine as I made friends and settled into normal things like shopping etc. Missing family is normal too . Can they come visit you as maybe not good to go back too soon.

Are you somewhere with an international community? If so I recommend trying to get in on that because those people will understand what you are going through. It will be better when spring comes.

Aww. This is completely normal.

Three months in, is a standard time to wobble so try and accept that this is par for the course and make yourself completely focus on trying harder to make friends for at least another 6 months. Don’t allow yourself to wallow.

You need to start making new connections and for this to become your new normal. Keep plodding on and one day you’ll realise that you’re much more settled and no longer hankering after your old life. Good luck!

Having done a similar move, I would say 3 months is peak misery. You dismantled your old life and it’s receding in the rear view mirror. But you haven’t yet created a new life. I’d give it at least 6 months, mind wide open, then reassess.

Are you good at languages OP? How long will it take you to become fluent? I wouldn’t live somewhere if I couldn’t speak the language fluently, unless there was a large expat community. I’d get depressed. I assume your husband is fluent in the local language so it’s OK for him.

Oh OP. Hang in there. When I first moved to the UK (for uni) I cried every day for the first 6 mnths. It gradually got better after that. People at the time to give it a year. They were right.

Well, she doesn’t have a home, for starters. She needs to give it more than what’s basically a matter of weeks!

do you have any 'expats in xx' facebook groups? It's often easier to make friends with other expats - first, because they are all new and looking to make new friends. Plus also they would understand better what you're dealing with.

Sounds tough, OP, but you did make me laugh with ‘my toddler’s so disregulated.’

All toddlers are disregulated. They literally haven’t learnt that yet!

I think you mean unsettled.

Which language is spoken in your area, OP?

Three months is far too early to give up. Give it more time.
I have moved many times throughout the UK and have found it often takes well over a year to really settle, so it must be even harder when you move abroad and not speak the language.

In all honesty, what exactly did you expect? I’ve lived in numerous countries and it takes 12-18 months to find your bearings and gerl settled. What you’re experiencing is very normal. My advice: find mum groups, expat groups… make sure to meet people. You need to actively find people to surround yourself with. They won’t feel like friends at first, but some of them will, with time.

As someone who works with expats, the biggest reason a move like this fails is due to the spouse being unhappy. The person who has the job has a focus and the spouse is left at home with no network and no purpose.
You need to find yourself a purpose if it’s going to succeed, is there an expat group you can join, can you go physically to language lessons to meet people. There are also some relocation agencies that offer a certain amount of spousal support if you’re desperate.
I would definitely say 3 months is too early to pack it in though.

When we moved to Copenhagen in 2020 I just started replying to peoples comments I liked the sound of on Facebook ex pat boards for the city - then just actually said ‘fancy a coffee , I could do with the company’

Early days. I’d say for the life experience it will give all of you, you should stick it out. I also doubt your DH will want to quit his new job 3 months in…

I wish OP had given us where she lives and the language. European country could be anywhere and vastly different to our experience. I for instance arrived in Germany a couple of weeks before Xmas with a 4 and 6 year old and a lorry with our worldly goods and Xmas presents lost somewhere between the UK and us.. Slightly different maybe as this was forces but after the first 6 months we were enjoying it so much we asked for another year.
The Netherlands wasnt so great as housing wasn't so much a community but so good for the boys.
My daughter spent 5 years in Switxerland as thats where her husband next promotion took him. Had a fabulous time. But you have to put the effort in. She joined in school activities. Went to work functions where she could. Give it a chance Give it time

Thank you everyone, the advice has been really useful and I think the choice I have to make is cut my losses early and slot back into my old life (as much as we can) or tough it out for at least another 3 months but more like 9.

Will post this on the appropriate board but my impression that is after a year you just get used to the place so it isn’t necessarily better, it’s just where you are.

You can't possibly know that. And obviously people are individuals, and ill or well-suited to different places they might move to, so there's no one experience that describes everyone's emigration experience. I've moved around internationally a fair bit, and will move again in all likelihood, once DS has left school, and some places I could happily have stayed, whereas others simply didn't suit me.

What did you think you were moving to? I mean, what were the positives you had in mind when you and your husband discussed him accepting the job offer?

Honestly - better work life balance (it turns out this wasn’t the case) & better quality of life.

Basically, I’ve always found it easy to make friends - I didn’t expect this to be any different but I was wrong.

OP it really might help to share at least a rough idea where you are eg scandinavia vs mediterranean and if there's anything you're finding especially challenging about integrating. People who live in the area might be able to share more targetted advice then.

As pp have said everywhere in Europe will have their worst weather this time of year but the impact of this will vary depending on the country. For example if you're very northern it's quite the done thing to use these months of darkness to practically hibernate so you might find people much more receptive to meeting up etc as the sunlight returns.

The advice on how to integrate will also depend massively on which country and even which region you've moved to. For example I have a relative who moved to Munich and struggled massively here... lots of the locals looking down on her because she's foreign. Most of the meaningful friendships they made were expats like herself. Northern Germany however, much friendlier and more open minded.... You get my point. You haven't really been specific enough about your situation or concerns to receive meaningful advice

I think 3 months is too soon. I always think you need a minimum of 1 year to properly know if it’s for you or not. Unless it’s an actively hostile place to live.

Which country is it?

I have lived in a few European countries, and in some I made it work and in others I struggled

Switzerland, Sweden and France I did not really manage to make friends with locals, very closed social structures, similar in Norway

the Danes were easygoing but I was only there for 2 months and was very lucky with my neighbours

Spain : mixed but ultimately some lovely younger students took us under their wing

Holland: friendly but similar to Scandinavia in that friendship groups can be quite closed

it can also really depend on the city . (Munich tough, Berlin easy)

good luck whatever you decide