To be done with contraceptives after we try for a baby?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been having some conversations with my partner about the future after our wedding in July.

We are planning to get married, then buy a house early 2027 before then trying for a baby, as we want that all out ofthe way first. Because of this, I just got my coil replaced, as it works the best for me, until I want it removed.

However, I have been on contraceptives since I was 15. Depo Provera until I was 21, then the pill, then an implant, then the hormonal coil. I have only had about a year break in that time, when I was pregnant, and I am 33 now.

I have had abnormal smears, LLETZ treatment, and I am finding coil insertions etc a lot more painful for some reason, my most recent one, I was in agony. I didn't have a great time with abnormal cell treatment either which was painful and emotional.

I am getting rather sick of being prodded about in my lady parts now and having these procedures (I know there are other long term contraceptives other than a coil, but the rest didnt work out well for me, hence I have stayed with the coil).

I brought up with my partner about wanting him to have a vasectomy once we hopefully have a baby, and he didnt take it as well as I had hoped which is a bit disappointing.

I am considering getting my tubes tied as a last case scenario - but its yet another procedure which I will need to endure.

I need to go back for a smear test check up next week and the thought of even getting another treatment again is making me cry and become emotional (my first biopsy was done without pain relief and has scarred me a bit to be honest).

I should note that my first child is not his biological child.

AIBU to ask my DP for this with how I feel at the moment?

I just want some time before peri menopause hits to just have my body in a natural state, which I haven't had now since I was 15.

YANBU it’s the best! Sound woo but it’s great to let your body do its thing au natural, and get to know your rhythms. Your partner should see that it’s his ‘turn’, and I know you said he doesn’t so that’s disappointing. Is it because he wants more than 1 kid? DH’s vasectomy was a walk in the park (literally I took the kids to the park while he had his vasectomy and he was done before they even got bored and I had to drag them away to go pick him up).

You aren't being unreasonable not to want another procedure or to be the one who continues to be responsible for contraception. However you are unreasonable to expect him to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one. It sounds like the baby you plan together will be his first and only child and while you may have agreed that is how it will be in your relationship, nether of you know what the future holds and he may not want to limit his options in the event you do not remain together or god forbid something happens to you or your children. A vasectomy is saying under no circumstances will I ever want another child and that is a big ask.

Looks like you are left with condoms. Personally I was happy to be put on the progesterone only pill in my early 40s as it stopped my horrific periods completely. It has been life changing for me but I know that isn't every woman's experience.

Nope, we have agreed on one child, and thats it. I already have an ASD child (not biologically his), who is currently 9, and we want to be able to provide the attention etc that each child will deserve.

He says its because HIS first child, and if we were to (hopefully not!) divorce, then he may want another, and its ok because I already have two.

I have reminded him in most cases, its reversible if he were ever in that situation, but that female sterilization is more complex and more recovery.

What's wrong with condoms?

I get the tired of being poked but i think yabu, absolutely no one should have any medical procedures done to them they dont want. Although if his reasons are just because he doesnt fancy being poked either id be a bit 🙄 but again, his body his choice.

Condoms are fine.

Yabu to ask him to have a procedure he's already told you he doesn't want. Condoms exist if you don't want to use any other kind of contraception and with your history of abnormal smears may actually help.

It’s unreasonable to expect him to agree to a vasectomy over a year before he even starts trying for his first child. You don’t even no if having a child will work yet and he’s no clue how he will feel once he’s a dad. It’s probably just too soon to try and make choices like this for him.

As an FYI, he says he does not want to use condoms either - he doesnt like them.

I may need to look into natural tracking etc as well, but I dont know a lot about it, if I am being honest, and still find that a bit risky.

Just thinking about the future, many of us have a Mirena coil as part of our HRT. For the progesterone.

Also, why are you having arguments about all this now?!

Not arguments.. Just discussions

I didnt argue back to him, I just listened and noted what he said.

No you need to say ‘no sex without a condom’

This 100%

Go natural and tell him it is his turn to be responsible for contraception. How he takes responsibility is for him to choose.

But why? Why are you having "discussions" now about a totally putative thing that might happen in the future? Before you've even had a child?

Theres literally hundreds of varieties of condoms though and loads that don't feel any different to sex without a condom. It sounds like you're both being a bit immature about this

Because big discussions like this in a long, stable partnership is normal and sensible.

I've asked for a tubal ligation with my imminent c section. They said it's fine and adds 5 minutes to the procedure. Not sure why my OH is so against a vasectomy either. I am 40 and have preeclampsia. This is my second pregnancy and there is no way I am having another. Hormonal contraception was a factor in my having a Venus clot and TIAs 5 years ago.

Sorry I think youre being really unreasonable here. If you dont want to use contraception and its his turn then you need to just say no condm no sex. Not demand that he end his fertility for ever potentially.

Because this is what normal couples discuss, the future? Especially when you are getting married and make plans for children etc.

It came up originally when I made an appointment to get my coil changed and I had voiced how anxious I was about it!

I don't think YABU. Dh and I are currently TTC our 2nd and I've asked him to get a vasectomy after we've had another child.

I'm 32, have been on one form of contraception or another, or pregnant/breastfeeding since I was 15 (the last 10 years I've been with DH). I just don't want to deal with the hormonal side of it anymore- the mood swings, the weight gain, the stress of forgetting to take a pill. I don't want it on my shoulders anymore, I think my mind and body have been through enough.

Luckily he understands and is willing. It's obviously not his ideal scenario but we are a partnership and it's not really a huge procedure anyway. If he really doesn't want to you can't force him but I admire the men who do!

It isn't always successfully reversed. Many need IVF afterwards. I can see his point of view and so should you. My husband will consider one if we have a third but that is three kids.

Seem bonkers to me. You don't even know if he's fertile yet!

And, as I said, the Mirena coil is a very effective way of delivering localised HRT.

Oh, can you have one with a vaginal birth or just a c section?

Yes an no guarantee he would have the vasectomy and you'd then split up, get with other people and he has no chance of another child. If you personally definitely don't want any more kids then get sterilized.

Well thats tough shit really for him 🤣

Natural tracking absolutely not unless you want a surprise baby.

He either bags up or looks forward to being celibate 😬