To be done with contraceptives after we try for a baby?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been having some conversations with my partner about the future after our wedding in July.

We are planning to get married, then buy a house early 2027 before then trying for a baby, as we want that all out ofthe way first. Because of this, I just got my coil replaced, as it works the best for me, until I want it removed.

However, I have been on contraceptives since I was 15. Depo Provera until I was 21, then the pill, then an implant, then the hormonal coil. I have only had about a year break in that time, when I was pregnant, and I am 33 now.

I have had abnormal smears, LLETZ treatment, and I am finding coil insertions etc a lot more painful for some reason, my most recent one, I was in agony. I didn't have a great time with abnormal cell treatment either which was painful and emotional.

I am getting rather sick of being prodded about in my lady parts now and having these procedures (I know there are other long term contraceptives other than a coil, but the rest didnt work out well for me, hence I have stayed with the coil).

I brought up with my partner about wanting him to have a vasectomy once we hopefully have a baby, and he didnt take it as well as I had hoped which is a bit disappointing.

I am considering getting my tubes tied as a last case scenario - but its yet another procedure which I will need to endure.

I need to go back for a smear test check up next week and the thought of even getting another treatment again is making me cry and become emotional (my first biopsy was done without pain relief and has scarred me a bit to be honest).

I should note that my first child is not his biological child.

AIBU to ask my DP for this with how I feel at the moment?

I just want some time before peri menopause hits to just have my body in a natural state, which I haven't had now since I was 15.

A person cannot force someone to have a vasectomy

You can ask, persuade, argue

Ultimately, it is their body, their choice

Just a 💐 for the LLETZ treatment. Its not great. I cried before mine. I hope you have a clear smear soon x

A man who wouldn’t take his turn at responsibility for birth control after we are done having children would kill my sex drive.

He’s already said he might want another kid
and you’ve said you don’t ( after one with him)

I'm seeing that as a more pressing conversation to have.

That and why he thinks responsibility for contraception is all yours!!!!

He doesn’t sound supportive at all

Seems a bit OTT to discuss this; when you’re not even pregnant yet. Just focus on what’s happening in your life today!

Well, you can want to be "natural" all you like but you will be the one dealing with any unwanted pregnancy. And no vasectomies are not easily reversed and sometimes the reversal is not successful.

You're absolutely not unreasonable to discuss this with him. But equally he would not be unreasonable to say no.

There are silicone ones.

Thank you! Appreciated!

I had abnormal cells again, so will likely need another, a process I found quite painful and emotional

I also had a new coil fitted recently which was also very painful - I think it was a turning point, where I just didn't want any more poking, prodding and pinching of my reproductive organs

I called my mum and had a good long cry, and she agrees that no more than is needed, e.g. no more coil insertions etc.

All our plans after getting married with the house etc, is for two kids (obviously it was a twin pregnancy, thats different).

We are in quite a privileged situation where we both earn well, and are going to buy next year. A 4 bed house is what we need. We agreed we would want both our kids to have their own space (non negotiable with an ASD child atm) and we need a room for a home office as we are both hybrid working. We have both agreed 2 kids is for us (and I especially only want to do pregnancy/childbirth again only one more time, especially at I am almost mid 30s)

I have just got very emotional today after a coil replacement and the possibility of another LLETZ next week after months of smears, biopsies etc. I just want my reproductive organs to be left alone now.

I would say no condom or vasectomy equals no sex.

No way would I be sterilised when condoms are a viable option.

But it's ok for OP to have 2 kids but she's restricted her husband to one?

You aren't being unreasonable, medically it is a much easier and less invasive procedure to sterilise a man.

You can't force him to have a vasectomy however before getting married I would make sure you are both absolutely on the same page about when your family would be complete and the possibility of one of you maintaining fertility whilst the other permanently relinquishes theirs, as he may have different ideas about this than you do.

Additionally male sterilisation isn't instantaneous, you would still need to take precautions for a period of time afterwards until he had been cleared as sterile.

Agree

He’s aware of this though and by getting married clearly its an agreement between them.

But he cannot possibly know how he will feel after a biological child comes. I don't doubt that he loves the OPs child very much but it's just a different feeling having a biological kid and being there for the baby years and all the firsts.

He may want to agree and think he'll be happy with one, but may change his mind.

Sometimes people have a baby with someone, but then they break up and they want a baby with a different person. You did this so it's not unreasonable to expect your DH might think it could happen to him too.
If you don't want to use contraception that's fine, he can wear a condom or no sex.

He's also mentioned that if they split he may want another child

Thanks all

I think its a bridge we may need to cross closer to the time, however, if it is that much of a big deal to him, I would go for female sterilization (as I KNOW after another one that I am DONE). Luckily, I am in a position where I can pay private for this if the NHS don't want to do it, for whatever reason, however, I would like to think I would be eligible.

Also to add, there was no "forcing" my DP, it was merely a suggestiom to him and my feelings, but I did make it known that I was open to me getting sterilized if it was a definite no from him.

I don't think many men would agree to a vasectomy before they're even married. He may feel differently after he has a child. I'd park it for now and discuss it more when you have a baby. Although I think it is fair to say to him that you will not use hormonal contraceptives after 2027 and you will leave it to him to decide what contraceptive he will use.

Thanks for this

Yes, I think I am just a bit emotional at the moment. I had my coil replaced (3rd time) and it was the first time I thought it was painful, and just been through a LLETZ and possibly another one next week... I think I am just a bit of an emotional wreck to be honest.

I may mellow, given time 😊.. I hope!

Haven’t RTFT… however I could not be more glad I gave up hormonal contraceptives after my first pregnancy. We use the Caya diaphragm along with general cycle awareness and withdrawal as a “second line of defense” with no issues - I would never go back.