To be done with contraceptives after we try for a baby?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been having some conversations with my partner about the future after our wedding in July.

We are planning to get married, then buy a house early 2027 before then trying for a baby, as we want that all out ofthe way first. Because of this, I just got my coil replaced, as it works the best for me, until I want it removed.

However, I have been on contraceptives since I was 15. Depo Provera until I was 21, then the pill, then an implant, then the hormonal coil. I have only had about a year break in that time, when I was pregnant, and I am 33 now.

I have had abnormal smears, LLETZ treatment, and I am finding coil insertions etc a lot more painful for some reason, my most recent one, I was in agony. I didn't have a great time with abnormal cell treatment either which was painful and emotional.

I am getting rather sick of being prodded about in my lady parts now and having these procedures (I know there are other long term contraceptives other than a coil, but the rest didnt work out well for me, hence I have stayed with the coil).

I brought up with my partner about wanting him to have a vasectomy once we hopefully have a baby, and he didnt take it as well as I had hoped which is a bit disappointing.

I am considering getting my tubes tied as a last case scenario - but its yet another procedure which I will need to endure.

I need to go back for a smear test check up next week and the thought of even getting another treatment again is making me cry and become emotional (my first biopsy was done without pain relief and has scarred me a bit to be honest).

I should note that my first child is not his biological child.

AIBU to ask my DP for this with how I feel at the moment?

I just want some time before peri menopause hits to just have my body in a natural state, which I haven't had now since I was 15.

I was 34 when I had my second baby. I wasn't dead set against having another but rather not so I just didn't bother with any more pills/coils. We had unprotected sex but not around ovulation and thought if an 'accident' happen it happens. It didn't. Would that be an option for you considering your age?

Sorry, haven't had time to rtft, but
a) he needs to be sure he doesn't want any more kids
b) it's a wee tiny bit of discomfort, then the freedom of paternity-free sex forever
c) some idiots men think it will affect their masculinity in some ridiculous way. Of course it doesn't. It just means you're firing blanks.

This isn’t something you need to worry about today OP.

First have your baby, and I hope all goes well with that.

Then when the baby is here, and when he’s sufficiently shattered and sleep deprived, you say “well I suppose if contraception doesn’t work for me, and you don’t want to use condoms or get a vasectomy, we just need to realise we probably aren’t going to sleep for the next decade.” You may find he has a sudden realisation he doesn’t mind condoms or a vasectomy!

I have had one and will likely need a second one here. They said they will need to re-assess if it gets to 3+ treatments to see if there is a more effective solution, so I know they may mean hysterectomy or a cone biopsy.

I had hoped DH would have a vasectomy when we finished our family (my Dad did so I assumed this was something men were OK with) but he refused. I didn't push the issue, as it is his body, but we have used condoms for the last 15 years as I am not going back on the pill/coil/whatever. Its up to him - condoms or vasectomy or no sex.

i used condoms since i was 22 as i hated any birth conrol options

boyfriends and now husband had to use them or no sex soz

Husband now has a vasectomy

he needs to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility

Totally get how you feel. I am just turned 40 and felt exactly the same as you that I wanted to see what my body is up to and come off contraception. We have been together since late teens and we have had 3 children together (4 pregnancies) and definitely do not want any more. Our youngest is 5.

I guess where it’s tricky is the difference that this will be your husband’s only biological child. I really think you are doing this in wrong order to discuss before he’s even had one baby. I say for any person they need 5+ years after experiencing becoming a parent for the first time before you go down that road.

I wouldn’t have wanted my tubes tied after 1 child. Even if I was pretty sure I only wanted one and was agreeing whole heartedly with the plan. Would you?

What if the worst happened and you did break up? He possibly would want one more with a new partner. So I can see his POV.

For you, sounds like you know you will be 2 and done even if you were to split up? If you met another partner in years to come sounds like you wouldn’t want another child. For him that’s maybe not the case.

For us the vasectomy worked as neither of us would want more kids even if we did split up. That’s something you have to discuss even if you’re rock solid - life happens.

He does however have to accept he will have to wear a condom whether he likes them or not. That’s where he’s being ridiculous.

You are within your rights to not use hormonal contraception. He will have to accept a barrier method or go without!!

I cannot believe you would marry a man whereby you getting sterilised is the solution to him not liking condoms.

I think you simply need to carry on having open discussions. Things may feel different to either or both of you in a couple of years. Contraception needs to be a joint decision, bearing in mind how you would respond to an unwanted pregnancy if using a less reliable method.

Condoms or no sex, simple. Coming off contraception juat before peri/menopause can hit you like a ton of bricks though.

None of that is true.
Female sterilisation is simple and done in under 20 minutes and has zero recovery time. I was back at work the next day without needing any pain meds.
A vasectomy is slightly more complicated and is rarely fully reversible and less so as time goes on due to men starting to make antibodies that kill sperm.
If you are adamant that you dont want anymore then I advise you to get sterilised as if he gets a vasectomy and then you split up and meet someone else you would need to worry about contraception again whereas if you're sterilised then you don't need to worry about it.

I think that's what any medical professional he went to for the procedure would quiz him about and they wouldn't do it anyway.

But it's not unreasonable for you to say no more coils, so what's his solution?

He can’t refuse condoms if he refuses a vasectomy. It’s his body his choice on the vasectomy but you have a choice on yours too for contraception. If he won’t do condoms abstinence is the only thing left. He won’t like it but he can’t force you

Just make him wear a condom if he won't get q vasectomy... stop taking the contraceptive load just on your shoulders. Your body deserves a break

Any man who refuses to use condoms for no reason when their partner has to go through pregnancy and birth in order to bring their shared child into the world, or continuously put hormones into her body, isnt a man who is unselfish enough to be a good dad. Might think thats dramatic but bloody hell, if he cant deal with a tiny bit of annoyance to have a shag, he's going to be a right baby about what parenting involves...

Im in a similar boat (no more children wanted as got 3) im 45 and have been on depo for a number of years and on contraception since approx 14 due to periods. Was told at last injection that I can only have it for another 6ish months due to age, higher risk of brittle bones and breast cancer. I'm sick of thinking about my contraception and said about him getting the snip (he's 37) didn't go down great, I'm hoping that he'll change him mind or I'll look into getting my tubes tided

No you can't but you can have it done separately around 3-4 months later.
Honestly its a simple op and your left with 3 tiny scars 1 on the pupic hairline and 2 in the bellybutton and do it lapriscopicly and you're home that day
Typo

His body, his choice. Same goes for you. You'll either have to find a compromise or not have sex.

Have you considered a diaphragm? It's an old-fashioned option, but I've used it my whole life without any problems.

I have a latex allergy, so I dont think this is an option

Condoms as well need to be latex free for me and you would be surprised how sparse they are in supermarkets etc!

This is useful - thank you!

@ellie09

I understand wanting to be done with contraception, but it is unreasonable to insist that another person have any type of medical procedure that they do not want. My DH refused to have the clip due to some atavistic fears regarding his 'junk'. I thought he was being stupid, but whatever.

So I had my tubes 'tied' using rings at 40. It was a minimally invasive procedure, done via 2 tiny incisions, one in my naval and one just below the pubic hair line. There are no visible 'scars'. It was painless (GA) and I was in and out of day surgery in 4 hours and was up and about the next day. I'm not saying you should do this if you don't want to, just that it's not that big an ordeal.

Yes, yes, I know vasectomy is less invasive but that's not the point. If you don't want more children then take responsibility for it yourself rather than take chances with condoms or less reliable methods.

YANBU to want to give up hormonal contraception.

YABU to think your partner ought to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want one. He's absolutely right that if you and he were to split up or if something happened to you, he might want to have another child with someone else. You've got that opportunity after separating from your first child's father - why shouldn't your partner be allowed the same opportunity if he were to find himself in the same situation that you did?

If you are the one who is completely certain that, if your partner leaves you or dies, you would not want another child, then it's a lot fairer for you to be the one who is sterilised rather than him. You're certain. He isn't.

If he doesn't want a vasectomy and you don't want to be sterilised, then you'll need to agree to use a barrier method like condoms or a diaphragm, and/or stick to non-penetrative sex.

It’s all about him and what he wants isn’t! Looks like it’s no penetrative sex then. You’ve done your turn with contraception

After we were done having children then l asked my husband if he preferred a vasectomy or condoms? After a twin pregnancy and decades of contraceptives it wasn’t my turn

I really don't think it's fair for either of you to undergo an invasive medical procedure on the other's insistence but it's very fair for him to have to use protection.