To be done with contraceptives after we try for a baby?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been having some conversations with my partner about the future after our wedding in July.

We are planning to get married, then buy a house early 2027 before then trying for a baby, as we want that all out ofthe way first. Because of this, I just got my coil replaced, as it works the best for me, until I want it removed.

However, I have been on contraceptives since I was 15. Depo Provera until I was 21, then the pill, then an implant, then the hormonal coil. I have only had about a year break in that time, when I was pregnant, and I am 33 now.

I have had abnormal smears, LLETZ treatment, and I am finding coil insertions etc a lot more painful for some reason, my most recent one, I was in agony. I didn't have a great time with abnormal cell treatment either which was painful and emotional.

I am getting rather sick of being prodded about in my lady parts now and having these procedures (I know there are other long term contraceptives other than a coil, but the rest didnt work out well for me, hence I have stayed with the coil).

I brought up with my partner about wanting him to have a vasectomy once we hopefully have a baby, and he didnt take it as well as I had hoped which is a bit disappointing.

I am considering getting my tubes tied as a last case scenario - but its yet another procedure which I will need to endure.

I need to go back for a smear test check up next week and the thought of even getting another treatment again is making me cry and become emotional (my first biopsy was done without pain relief and has scarred me a bit to be honest).

I should note that my first child is not his biological child.

AIBU to ask my DP for this with how I feel at the moment?

I just want some time before peri menopause hits to just have my body in a natural state, which I haven't had now since I was 15.

BTW OP, I had a smear, coil out, and coil in, all at the same time recently. Done and dusted in 15 minutes.

If you're both having sex and don't want a baby then preventing pregnancy is the responsibility of both you. You're absolutel, 100%, fully entitled to say no more female contraception.

It's your body (and when they first developed a male pill with the same side effects as The Pill, it was binned because men weren't putting up with that shit).

That means he has to take greater responsibility. How he does that is up to him, but he doesn't get to force approaches like the withdrawal method on you just because he doesn't want to wear a condom or have the snip.

He might not like the options left to him, but that's a Him problem, not a You problem.

Thats all very well - I know for some its painless etc

My first and second insertions were fine.

My third and most recent one was agonising.

My cervical biopsy and LLETZ was painful and I believe, has made me fearful of going to gynae appointments because I now expect pain.

I have another smear and biopsy next week as my HPV still hasn't cleared and abnormal cells again, and at this stage, I am just done with my cervix getting pinched, poked and prodded with clamps and hot wires.

Also if he's thinking it's possible you could potentially divorce in the future then you shouldn't have a child with him. He's clearly not fully invested in your relationship if he's looking to keep his option open.

So basically he wants another child and you don’t. In this scenario OP I think you need to look at having your tubes tied or accepting the risk of using natural cycles (and consider what you’d do if accidentally pregnant).

I have been pondering contraception myself, in general terms.

It’s mostly us, women, who take care of this side of things. As a result of pills, coils etc. we end up potentially struggling with libido (chemically altered), we get poked by medical professionals, endure discomfort, pain and all else.

Men on the other hand get the benefit of being able to announce they ‘don’t like’ condoms and enjoy sex as they prefer it because we take that burden on ourselves. Not to mention we also go through childbirth and all that it entails, more medical procedures, pain, recovery. Not to mention that sex quite often is average at best and we don’t crave it as much as they do (personal experience but i tend to believe it applies to a large portion of women, especially when menopause starts kicking in).

It’s a bit of a shit deal, i feel that in a relationship men should do more around this. They don’t like pain? Though, neither do we. The least they could do, in a committed relationship especially, is to consider that maybe, after years of us altering our bodies, that burden should be on them, eventually. You want unprotected sex? Go get a snip. Or get on with condoms and stop moaning.

So i totally get where you’re coming from OP. I think you’re totally right in wanting to be done with contraception. Question is, will your DH agree and what happens if he doesn’t.

Its tough. You're marrying but he's holding onto that he might want to have children with someone else still, which would piss me off, but also if he's not happy with just one bio child what can you do?

But you don't have to go on contraception just because he doesn't want the snip. Condoms or no sex. I wouldn't do Tracking, it's all on you including the abortion if it fails, its not a very reliable method, especially as you get older and periods become less regular.

DP is having the snip when we're done, because he's seen everything I've been through providing him with children. Yours might change his mind later down the line. Or there could be a male contraception. No point worrying now.

I refuse to take anymore contraceptives. We are done having children so use condoms until he agrees to get a vasectomy (not against it but not proactively making an appointment etc)

I think you are right to have the discussion now but I would not do one of those things with a man who refused to take responsibility for contraception.

You are planning on doing all three!

This.

I would want agreement that I have done 5 years of contraception and if I do childbirth he gets a vasectomy that is a fair exchange

Isn't this the perfect time to talk about this? They'll go into marriage knowing what the expectations are.

BTW, no one should think a vasectomy is reversible. Although he might be told it is the'success rates ' will vary. Some men might become fertile again, but others won't. A lot depends on how long ago it took place. It's best to understand that it's really permanent, and not think fertility will return. Just something to consider.

Oh diddums
The poor wee lamb "doesn't like how condoms feel"
What a Prince!!!
Never mind you being poked and prodded
The risks of pregnancy etc ..
Are you sure you want to have a baby with this man child ?!
He needs go grow up

Most HCP professsionals don't recommend just condoms in fact can get very annoyed with people for relying on them IME.

However we've used them for 17 years with no mishaps because DH didn't want a vasectomy and I couldn't find a contraceptive that didn't have nasty side effects for me and often felt GP and HCP in general didn't really want to talk through all the options but push me in one direction despite prior bad experiences or concerns.

Every time we've tried to get pg it's been very quick so did worry but now I think the reliablity rates are bought down by people not actually using them correctly or every time then blaming them.

I would imagine it's a separate procedure with a vaginal birth. To be fair it doesn't sound too awful to have it done separately https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/female-sterilisation/what-happens/ obviously vasectomies are much easier.....

As an FYI, he says he does not want to use condoms either - he doesnt like them.

Well frankly what his plan then? You've run through the options you have and they all have side effects for you - so how is he planning on sorting this?

YANBU to ask, but you can’t make him have it if he doesn’t want to, in the same way he couldn’t expect you to be sterilised. You can though, as he has declined a vasectomy, expect him to wear condoms to prevent another pregnancy.

Jumping the gun, you’ve not even conceived yet!

It may depend on GP or area but getting sterilised on NHS may not be easy.

I know quite a few women who wanted it for good medical reasons like another pg could kill them and they got pushed towards coil - as there are stats that say coils are better at preventing pg than steriisations which can fail ( though that's more likley when done as part of c-section).

I havent said he has to, I have asked would he consider it.

If he is dead set on not getting one, I would get female sterilization as last resort, but its something I didnt really want to do after contraceptives have been my responsibility since I was a teen!

If he cant agree by then, I would -reluctantly just get sterlized myself.

Nope we havent but we do like to have plans for the future. This was simply a discussion. Not really a serious one at that - I was gauging this opinion on it at this stage.

How many lletz procedures have you had? I've had 4 and once we've had our second child I'll be recommended for a hysterectomy to prevent the risk of cervical cancer

I think condoms are very safe - if used correctly. I think alot of people don't realise you can get pregnant from pre-cum - so think the condom failed - when actually it was not in place in time.

I would really question a man who was not willing as I suspect he is lacking in lots of other ways too. If you 'refuse without' they come round to using them pretty quickly ,, if they like you enough.

I say this as a woman who despises female contraception (haven't found one to suit me yet), and stepmother, and someone who has had the vasectomy conversation with my husband.

It's all well and good you saying that you will only have one child with him. He hasn't experienced the feeling of a biological child. I absolutely love my stepchild and would do anything for him... but it's just not the same. I didn't experience his birth, his first steps, his first words etc. There's no way I could have foreseen that I would definitely only want one biological child before I actually had a child. So I think you are jumping the gun kn this conversation tbh.

I have recently been asking mh hhvsna to consider a vasectomy, my labour was rough and traumatic, currently pregnant again, years of breastfeeding and tbh I'm just fed up of my body being used. We are both 100% agreed no more children after this one. But my DH is dead set against it. He doesn't want one and I obviously can't force him. But he knows that he'll be enjoying me a lot less going forward because I can't take the risk!
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It's something we will discuss again in the future but if I certainly think the reality doesn't need to be delved so deep into just yet (considering you are only planning on getting married next Yr and then it could take a while to onceive and actually have a baby etc). The reality of a screaming baby in his face at 2am might make him.chabge his mind and head down for the snip 😂

YABU to insist on a vasectomy. Not ok at all. It's surgery that could lead him in a lifetime of pain.

Condoms. Clearly the only solution. If he doesn't like them, that's the end of it. He equally cannot insist YOU go through painful procedures that fuck up your hormones either.