Mother in law

[Markor]

Family/inlaw issue.
Hi ,
I have been with my wife for almost 20 years and over that time we have spent a lot of time with her mother & step dad - often they would come to our house once every two weeks and stay over the weekend .
we do an awful lot for them and I always make them feel welcome.
many times over the years the mother in law will refer to our home just as her daughters ( it is my wife and myselfs home jointly) . I have corrected her on many occasions and she simply brushes it away. I always find it a sleight of hand and to be honest, disrespectful.
this weekend just gone our pet dog had gone upstairs and my wife said to her Mum that he had been in our bedroom hiding from our tortoise ( he’s a silly dog!)
in front of me the mother in law laughs that the dog was hiding and says to the hard of hearing father in law that the dog was in her daughters bedroom - I corrected her and said I think it might be mine also , she then repeated to the father in law that the dog was on her daughters floor in there. I corrected her again that I think she means “our” floor.
The mother in law then replied “ Yeah whatever”.
I was fuming and told this to my wife when out the room . She’s been doing it years and if put on the spot always says “I don’t mean anything” .
after my wife having words with her mum in the kitchen , about half an hour later the mother in law said “ I’m sorry , I didn’t mean anything about it’ . I was still angry/upset and told her how it’s not on, that she’s been doing it for years and that I always make them welcome in our home and that I personally put home jobs on hold when they stop over . That I find the comments disrespectful , particularly the “yeah whatever” when challenged about it.
in typical mother in law fashion, she then got all defensive and sat in another room.
The atmosphere was terrible , the mother and father in law had a cooked meal my wife made, stayed a couple of hours after that ( I just wanted her to leave) .
my wife agrees her mother is being disrespectful but there is a degree of “ you know what she’s like”.
right now I want to keep her away from our home for several weeks or so, so she can realise snd understand it is my home also and she needs to respect it.
am I being petty or out of line? . Thoughts please. Thank you

But it is your wives home and her bedroom. Its just its yours too. It just a way to phrase something. My dad often says I’m going over to Dave57’s house knowing full well dave has a husband who actually bought the house himself with minimal input from the wife whose dad refers to it as her house. My husband doesn’t even mention it.

i think you sound quite petty to be honest. It sounds very odd to be demanding respect over whose name is on the house.

I can see how that would be frustrating, but you need to choose your battles.

Surely you’re joking right?

Thats just rubbish. You refer to the house as that of your blood member of the family. Thats all. Finish.
How to take offence at absolutely nothing.

I think it’s entirely irrelevant and am honestly baffled by the people trying to attribute this to the ‘double standards’ and man hating they’re so sure exist everywhere on mumsnet.

I call my sister’s house ‘Steph’s house’ and I call my brothers house ‘Steve’s house’, both are married to opposite sex partners with whom they own and live in those houses. DH doesn’t care that people in my family call this my house, and I don’t care that people in his family call it his house. Neither of us are remotely bothered by DD’s school friends referring to it as her house either, despite her not contributing a penny and her names not being on the deeds. There’s even a house in our road we call ‘Oscar’s house’ after the dog that lives there.

What double standards do you think people are showing?

If a woman had written the OP (and it could well be they did) my response would be exactly the same - people will usually say ‘Person with whom I have the primary relationship’s house’, not ‘Person + their partner’s house’ and it’s possible, even probable, that the mother in law does this just through force of habit and not as a veiled dig at the OP. There doesn’t seem to be anything else to the complaint and I disagree with the OP that this, by itself, is indicative of a bigger issue or lack of respect. I actually find it a bit pathetic that the OP needs to be name checked every time the house is mentioned or has to have it spelled out that the room a dog was hiding in was also THEIR room too, it’s just a bit pathetic.

Unless the OP (who never came back) is going to return with some additional context that shows the MIL is overall rude and disrespectful (in which case I’d still question why they chose to lead with this very petty gripe) I really do think they need to just get over it whether they’re a man or a woman.

i think she is being arsey
I think you won't change her and provided your wife isn't "on her side" then your best bet is to laugh at it. She can't do anything, its just words. They won't change anything. Laugh in her face "oh there you go again Mil you silly old thing"
BUT I am wondering what the MN response would be if you had been the wife and it had been her inlaws?

MIL is going it on purpose, I would be put out, I'm with you mate.

There is no simple term for anyone, including your ILs to refer to your and their child’s house.
think about it.
so it would be “ their child’s and your name’s room/house etc”…a bit of a blinking mouth full

they are not disrespecting you by doing this

if you listen to how almost all parents refer to their child’s and partners/spouse anything it’ll always be shortened to simply their child’s. The inference that it also “yours” is unspoken usually cos it is bloody obvious legally

even I don’t say to my work colleagues, friends, family or anyone “ mine and mr moths house”…I just say my home, my car, my child ( clearly didn’t do that on my own), my dog…as does everyone else I know. Including mr moth.

it is their daughters house, etc. in fact legally , as married it is 100% hers, same way as it is 100% yours. That’s the point of marriage. And if you are joint tenants, that is also 100% ownership each as you’d find out if one of you jumps ship and the other is left to cover 100% of mortgage still.

i wonder why you are so hyper sensitised about this? It is entirely normal parlance. Do you think your ILs are not appreciating how much you do for them? Or what a good partner for their daughter you are? Dont misdirect this on to semantics of speech- you’ve got this one wrong. Talk to them directly and ask them for a crucial conversation if you feel you are not appreciated for what you do for them. But be careful, you could end up asking your wife to choose and that never ends well for any marriage.

@Bulbsbulbsbulbs That's your opinion . Other people found it amusing. And he/ she is acting immature. Like a baby .

That was intended for @Jeschara

Its really funny how everyone's telling you to get over it, if you were a woman and the MIL was the mans mum theyd be suggesting to go no contact over the clear disrespect..

Id be annoyed OP, id be telling her if she cant stop being rude she isnt welcome

Really? This is what you’re hung up on after 20 years? YABVU

It’s actually NOT rubbish…why go out of your way to deliberately upset someone, especially if you are a guest in their home.

This.

You really are being ridiculous trying to make this molehill into a mountain.

I am very surprised only 63% of the voters have said YABU, I'd have expected this to be a 95% level.

Nah you can tell when someone is having a dig. If that's how it lands, you had every right to say something.

What other comments does she make, OP?

Just make sure you ostentatiously refer to their house, car, plans, holidays etc solely as FIL's, rather than theirs, see how she likes it.

What double standards do you think people are showing?

I think the double standards (at least the ones I were thinking of) were that, had this been categorically a woman complaining about her DH's Mother, people would have said "Oh that MIL is such a narc, she needs putting in her place, I'd be fuming" etc etc and so forth.

Because I think many assumed it was a man, immediately he was told he was being petty and ridiculous -- which I heartily agree with. I just think that had the OP been definitely a woman complaining, she'd have had a lot more sympathhy.

My point, really, is that I think as soon as there is a female on female MIL/DIL battle, MN automatically tends to assume defensive position of the DIL - even if it defies reason.

ETA but, to clarify, I think the OP is over-reacting.

Where did OP say they're a man?

OP, I suspect this hurts because you don't feel accepted by her or think she doesn't like you? If so, that's the real issue, the way she speaks is not unusual and in that respect I'd really suggest picking your battles.

I would never call is Dsis's house in front of BIL. It's disrespectful.

I would say to DH I'm off to Dsis's house.. that's different.

I wouldn't bother correcting PILs if they referred to our house as DHs. I couldn't get worked up over that. My name is on the deeds. That's enough.

I have a daughter and even when she is married I would refer to the house she lived in as her house. Not out of disrespect to her husband but just because it’s easier than saying both names!

@FordExplorer but if you were in their house wouldn’t you just say ‘your’ rather than by DD’s name

Just play along and start referring to yourself as the lodger.

I say my bedroom, I definitely share it with my husband.

It's our house/my house/family home all interchangeable.

She's their daughter, it's the house she lives in so to them it's her house. Definitely overthinking this.

If they were only there every few months for the weekend I'd think OP was being unreasonable.
But every other weekend is a bit ridiculous, I'm guessing it isn't just this phrasing that is annoying you?

How do you know OP is male? Same sex relationships exist.