Mother in law

[Markor]

Family/inlaw issue.
Hi ,
I have been with my wife for almost 20 years and over that time we have spent a lot of time with her mother & step dad - often they would come to our house once every two weeks and stay over the weekend .
we do an awful lot for them and I always make them feel welcome.
many times over the years the mother in law will refer to our home just as her daughters ( it is my wife and myselfs home jointly) . I have corrected her on many occasions and she simply brushes it away. I always find it a sleight of hand and to be honest, disrespectful.
this weekend just gone our pet dog had gone upstairs and my wife said to her Mum that he had been in our bedroom hiding from our tortoise ( he’s a silly dog!)
in front of me the mother in law laughs that the dog was hiding and says to the hard of hearing father in law that the dog was in her daughters bedroom - I corrected her and said I think it might be mine also , she then repeated to the father in law that the dog was on her daughters floor in there. I corrected her again that I think she means “our” floor.
The mother in law then replied “ Yeah whatever”.
I was fuming and told this to my wife when out the room . She’s been doing it years and if put on the spot always says “I don’t mean anything” .
after my wife having words with her mum in the kitchen , about half an hour later the mother in law said “ I’m sorry , I didn’t mean anything about it’ . I was still angry/upset and told her how it’s not on, that she’s been doing it for years and that I always make them welcome in our home and that I personally put home jobs on hold when they stop over . That I find the comments disrespectful , particularly the “yeah whatever” when challenged about it.
in typical mother in law fashion, she then got all defensive and sat in another room.
The atmosphere was terrible , the mother and father in law had a cooked meal my wife made, stayed a couple of hours after that ( I just wanted her to leave) .
my wife agrees her mother is being disrespectful but there is a degree of “ you know what she’s like”.
right now I want to keep her away from our home for several weeks or so, so she can realise snd understand it is my home also and she needs to respect it.
am I being petty or out of line? . Thoughts please. Thank you

When I visit my dads I say dads house not dad & wife’s house, I refer to my mates house as their house and not their and h’s house. You’re being silly.

Sounds minor to me unless there is a big dripfeed coming.

Mountains of molehills happening here.

My parents have been married for almost 60 years, I might say that I am going to mums house.

If my parents mentioned that they were going to/at Olly's house in front of my DH he wouldn't think anything of it.

What are you on about? I'm here for the same reasons as you are 😂😂 I change my name regularly. Sorry if that offended you. The name change facility is there for everybody to use. Hope that helps.

Why do they need to stay over so often? You and your wife need to cut back on this

So am I. The majority of replies would be completely different if it was a woman posting that her husband’s mother kept doing this, the usual double standards on here!

I don’t think it’s anything to do with double standards - I would feel exactly the same if it was the woman in a partnership posting this. I’ve never understood why mothers in law and the elderly are hated to such an extent on Mumsnet. Given that the majority of posters are women, you’re all likely to either end up as an in law or get to old age, so let’s hope that people aren’t quite so unpleasant and judgmental when it’s you on the receiving end.

I can assure you that my MIL refers to my and DH’s house as ‘DH’s house’. I’m just background noise for her, and have been for the last 30 years. My parents would definitely refer to our house as my house, though. It’s not something I could get worked up about either way.

Christ almighty, the least original point that's ever made on Mumsnet - well done!

I think many readers will assume you are a man, and on that basis will muster up enough objectivity to see that these sorts of "my wicked MIL" threads are bloody ridiculous and petty.

Too many posters leap in to defend a woman against her MIL as a kind of reflex.

I'm hoping the fact they may think you are a man puts it in perspective. You are being pathetic I'm afraid.

It all sounds very petty, she said this she said that .

Fair. I agree. This made me laugh. Can get it might be hard.

OP, sometimes, I’ll say something to my DH like, “I’ll put this washing in my bedroom”, and he’ll say, “Isn’t it my bedroom too?” and we laugh about it - I mean absolutely nothing by it. I might equally have said, “the bedroom” or “our bedroom”. I think you’ re being a bit prickly about all this - your MIL regards it as her DD’s house, even though she knows it belongs to both of you. Her DD is the important person to you, just as you are important to your DM who would doubtless refer to the house as yours.
I think there is rather more to this situation than just your MIL referring to your bedroom floor as her daughter’s. You say, for example, that I personally put home jobs on hold when they stop over - perhaps your MIL would prefer that you didn’t. Perhaps she wants a bit of time with her DD. If your MIL comes over for the weekend every couple of weeks, I assume your wife likes this arrangement, so to banish your MIL is to punish your DW as much as your MIL. I can understand your MIL taking herself off to another room if, after she had sincerely apologised, you “had a go” at her. If your MIL has been coming over for twenty years, she knows it’s your house jointly with her DD, and the bedroom belongs to both of you, as I assume does the dog. I do wonder why her referring to it as her DD’s house grates so much. You have made enough of a big deal about it that I suspect she will remember next time she comes - if she comes. It’s all very well saying you want to ban her for a few weekends: if you have made her feel sufficiently uncomfortable, she won’t want to come. If I were your DW I would be very cross either you being so rude to my DM, especially after I had had a word with her and she had apologised, and might choose to spend the weekend with her at her house on my own.

Not in the slightest. There are fewer double standards on mumsnet than there are people desperately trying to claim they've spotted one on every other bloody thread, it's tedious.

My in-laws would refer to our house as DH's house/ their son's house. My family refer to it as my house. We just visited my sister and brother-in-law at their house, we talked about 'going to Catherine's for the weekend', or whilst there I know I said to DD 'no don't go up there, that's Aunty Catherine's bedroom'. I know full well it's hers and BIL's, and I know that BIL's family would talk about going to Bob's, or Bob's bedroom. It's really not a big deal at all.

You sound like my exDH. He once got huffy when DD asked where I wanted her to put my hairdryer that she’d borrowed. I said “Oh just stick it on my bed, thanks”. After 10 minutes of ‘wounded puppy’ I asked what was wrong and he told me that he was upset because I’d said “my bed”, instead of “our bed”. Just a minor example of me never being able to do a single fucking thing right in his eyes, ever. 🙄

What makes you think its a man?

Every single person on this thread assumes OP is a man.

The post says they have been together for 20 years, not married for 20 years. So it coukd easily be a same sex relationship.

😂

What makes you think a woman can’t be a misogynist?

This is ultra petty. Unless there's more backstory to the relationship.

It does refer to wife, but could be a same sex marriage.

Perfectly normal behavior from her. You need to grow up.

I call my mums house my mums house, not my mum and her husbands house. My brothers house is my brothers house, not my brother and sister in laws house.

Sounds like you're insecure. Does your wife out earn you or something. Can't think of any other reason a grown adult would need to shout "it's mine too!" Over something like this.

It's a turn of phrase. I sometimes refer to our house as MY house. Because it is my house, too. Both things can be true.

Twat.

I cant believe so many people are against you. You have explained yourself multiple times and it is just disrespectful for her to repeatedly do this. She is making a decision to continue doing it. I think you are entirely within your rights.

Mine doesnt.
Shes enabled this... she should have sat her mum down and explained it wasnt on and to pack it in 20 years ago.
Because it is passive aggressive and it is rude and a bit disrespectful.

Like @WaryBlueFish shocked at the poll.

If you were a SAHM you'd be at 90%+ yanbu and be told (as I have said here) that your DH is more than half the problem for not handling this upfront.