Mother in law

[Markor]

Family/inlaw issue.
Hi ,
I have been with my wife for almost 20 years and over that time we have spent a lot of time with her mother & step dad - often they would come to our house once every two weeks and stay over the weekend .
we do an awful lot for them and I always make them feel welcome.
many times over the years the mother in law will refer to our home just as her daughters ( it is my wife and myselfs home jointly) . I have corrected her on many occasions and she simply brushes it away. I always find it a sleight of hand and to be honest, disrespectful.
this weekend just gone our pet dog had gone upstairs and my wife said to her Mum that he had been in our bedroom hiding from our tortoise ( he’s a silly dog!)
in front of me the mother in law laughs that the dog was hiding and says to the hard of hearing father in law that the dog was in her daughters bedroom - I corrected her and said I think it might be mine also , she then repeated to the father in law that the dog was on her daughters floor in there. I corrected her again that I think she means “our” floor.
The mother in law then replied “ Yeah whatever”.
I was fuming and told this to my wife when out the room . She’s been doing it years and if put on the spot always says “I don’t mean anything” .
after my wife having words with her mum in the kitchen , about half an hour later the mother in law said “ I’m sorry , I didn’t mean anything about it’ . I was still angry/upset and told her how it’s not on, that she’s been doing it for years and that I always make them welcome in our home and that I personally put home jobs on hold when they stop over . That I find the comments disrespectful , particularly the “yeah whatever” when challenged about it.
in typical mother in law fashion, she then got all defensive and sat in another room.
The atmosphere was terrible , the mother and father in law had a cooked meal my wife made, stayed a couple of hours after that ( I just wanted her to leave) .
my wife agrees her mother is being disrespectful but there is a degree of “ you know what she’s like”.
right now I want to keep her away from our home for several weeks or so, so she can realise snd understand it is my home also and she needs to respect it.
am I being petty or out of line? . Thoughts please. Thank you

Who cares whether the OP is a man or woman? Whatever gender they are, they’re being ridiculous.

I think you're spending too much time with these in laws, and this is why this minor issue is grinding your gears so much. I do understand why you find this irritating, however once she'd apologised you should have let it go. I think you need to get yourself a bit of space from them , eg they only visit once per month or your wife visits them without you sometimes , then I think you'll find you can tolerate their quirks a bit better.

My Inlaws refer to our home as Mr Tickles house, Mr Tickles garden, etc. My Dad always says we're going to Tanqueray's house, look at Tanqueray's garden, did you see Tanqueray's drive, or whatever.

It's just a turn of phrase and you have created a drama from nothing.

Really???????? Haven’t you got any other problems in life??

I'd be pissed off too. Sounds like she enjoys making the digs and the apology isn't an apology that is heartfelt.

to go against the main view I think she is being goady on purpose and it is not nice. Did you put less equity into the property than your wife

I agree, but I was just pointing out to the PP that was berating every single person assuming something, when in fact they themselves had missed what was definitely there!

There must be more to this story as to why you feel this way towards your MIL because I just can’t understand getting upset about this.

I often refer to my sisters house (that she owns jointly with her husband) as just
my sisters house not “Martha & Tim’s”

Same goes for most people I know who own houses jointly. I often just refer to the house as its the person I actually know and have the connection with.

You wouldn’t say that to a woman with the same problem. Grow up

Do you have children? I’m picturing a friend of little Junior discussing being at Junior’s house and you angrily insisting to them that you and your wife live there too 😂

You are being ridiculous. I say ‘Mum’s room’ rather than ‘Mum and Dad’s room’ etc all the time and no disrespect is meant in any way. It’s a turn of phrase. You have decided to focus on something, misread the intention behind it and blow it up, making everyone feel awkward. I think you owe your MIL and wife and apology.

Totally agree, your complaint is a valid one but you’ll not get much sympathy on here.
mumsnet is very biased against men having a valid and reasonable opion.

What a baby you are. If I'm going to my daughters house, I call it "Amys" house. When I'm at the house I'll say to a grandchild "Go and put that in mummy's room"
I'm very aware they both own the house. My daughters mother in law is also aware but she calls it Tom's house.

So much unnecessary drama! I say I'm going to my brother's ... Obviously it's his wifes house too, I say I'm going to mum's, it's my dad's too!

You’re being weird. It IS her daughters house/room/floor as well as yours. You’re not excluded in that.

My sister says ‘my mum came to visit’ and I don’t say ‘you mean OUR mum’ because it’s her mum and it’s fine for her to say it that way.

If a woman posted this everyone would be defending her saying MIL is the one in the wrong, but because it's a male some of you think it's acceptable to call him names.

MIL is being disrespectful, you've made it clear it's not okay, hopefully she now gets the hint! I would let it go now... unless she does it again 😆

I think you're overreacting. At worst this should register as a minor irritation. It's needlessly self important of you to interpret it as a sign of disrespect and make a big production of correcting them every time.

I think you are being pathetic. I say 'I am going over to my mum's' even though my dad lives there as well.

Is this the only issue you have with her?

Thats interesting. Ive just used the term baby too and actually I never normally use it. I think its because its such a stupid thing to fuss about it comes across as very childish. I dont see why it can't be applied to either sex though.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, however after twenty years do you really see your MIL behaving any differently even if your partner says anything different to her?

I suppose you need to think about ideally what would you want the solution to be? And then, how realistic is it, that the solution you wish for will happen? We can’t influence behaviour change in others, they need to want to change or be open to it - and that’s not going to happen.
unfortunately MIL is emotionally immature and it sounds like your partner is drained by how she is, and has to accept it for any sort of relationship with her.

My Mil used to do it. It didn't bother me in the least. Nor do I see why it should have. My family call it lt house DHs family call it his house. Everyone knows the house is shared and none is pretending otherwise it's just shorthand and quite natural
And the mother in law tried to apologise. OP didn't accept the apology graciously.

This 100pc
It would irritate me too OP
Deep breath and count to 10

I never say that I'd say I'm going to Steve and Sharon's house (not real names). Not I'm going to Steve's.
I don't think I've ever said my room either. Not because I'm particularly careful about not offending anyone just because that's the truth.
OP you won't get much sympathy because you're male and all males are wrong on MN.
Your MIL should be more respectful in your house, she knows it annoys you but still does it.
Perhaps you should visit her and constantly refer to things as belonging to FIL.

For everyone telling OP to grow up, think what you'd be saying if the OP was a woman, and her husband's mother was behaving like this. I think you'd be saying things differently.