To say im on maternity leave not house wife leave

[Cloudyonasunnyday]

Had second child 5 months ago. Becoming increasingly frustrated that I’m very much the default parent / housekeeper (I don’t mind the parenting Element as much as I am on maternity leave) but I seem to be picking up even more house work than before. I feel like I organise absolutely everything from food shops to laundry.

DH wfh and has a lot of downtime which he will spend lazing about / going to the gym etc I think the fact he’s at home and under my feet is half the problem. If he was at the office everyday I would know he cannot physically help so wouldn’t get so annoyed maybe ?

I’ve reached out a few times to him about feeling unsupported and he’s sort of agreed to do more but then nothing…

I think I’ve come to the realisation today that he expects me to take care of the whole house due to being on maternity leave

AIBU to be enraged ?

She’s not his mother.

I think when you’re at home all day with a baby there is so much more chores and housework to do than when you’re out all day leaving house in peace (maybe just cooking and washing up for one meal a day)

I don’t know why these lazy thoughtless men think that we will find them attractive when they behave this way

Do you have anything constructive to contribute or are you just going to snipe at posters trying to help?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum , but it will continue to be the split of tasks when the OP goes back to work.

@Viviennemary , OP does have a job, and maternity leave is not being without a job or being a SAHM.

What utter nonsense. The baby is 5m and still taking lots of naps. What is op doing in that time? The dh is working during that time. When he stops work then that’s when it’s shared.
surely she can get jobs done in that time?

Presumably as she is on maternity, she is being paid by her employer, who pays her more than her husband, and so is still contributing at least half of the bills.

So she's earning and caring for his baby.

If he was doing half the housework before the baby, why is he doing less than half now?

Because he thinks its fine for his knackered wife to do more because she is having a "baby holiday"?

If being at home with the baby was so appealing, he would be on shared parental leave soon.

What’s ick about it? Me taking control of a situation and resolving a problem before resentment grew?

OP it’s probably worth me adding that Another really valuable thing about doing this exercise was that I realised I was underestimating what DP does. I was overwhelmed so in my mind I was doing everything and he did nothing. Once I actually wrote everything down relating to the running of our household, all its members, vehicles etc. I remembered more and more things that DP does every week / month / year relating to cars, bills, the garden, pets that I had completely forgotten about, in part because he does them so reliably I just wasn’t giving them headspace at all.

She's not saying he should do jobs during work hours.

OP says "DH wfh and has a lot of downtime which he will spend lazing about / going to the gym etc ".

Why should she have to? I’m sure OP is already tidying up the house while her and the baby play, keeping on top of the hoovering and kitchen because she’s home, in a few weeks she will be cooking baby food non stop.
Why should she have to wash her husband dirty boxers during the day too?
It’s reasonable to do some light bits during the day, but OP is looking after a child on broken sleep, she doesn’t need to be taking jobs away from her DH and making his life easier than it was before having a baby.

Personally in this instance I think reframing maternity leave as parental leave may help both of you. After the initial post partum period 37 weeks of leave can be taken by either parent.

You mention you are the higher earner so you going back to would seem to make sense financially even if there may be some practicalities to iron out (esp if breastfeeding) From what you have said you plan on returning to work so I would focus on shifting the dynamic in to that transition.

Navigating the return to work can be massive, and it could also fall on you to do most of the heavy lifting as its your return to work (somewhat fair as has to be on your terms) but to facilitate that return the joint responsibilites of parenting need to be in place. I can only say what I would do in this situation and that would be to transfer perhaps the final 10 - 13 week of maternity leave to OH so you can focus on returning to work and he can wrap his head around the daily dynamics of childcare whilst you still have parental leave income in place.

Both of you need to be on the same page ASAP. Also some time away from work for OH to spend time with baby is a beautiful opportunity if he choses to see it that way.

It may also give him a bit more insight in to what the demands of being a family with two parents working actually involves, To be fair if he has never had to work and manage a household and childcare before how is he going to know unless he tries - so give him the chance to try (said with kindness and the expectation he will step up)

YABU as you knew that he was lazy before you had a baby.

Not sure why you think a baby will give him a personality transplant....

But is it really about equal downtime? I think not. Maternity leave is purely about bonding with your baby, healing, making mum friends if you want etc. Not doing extra housework. Not by a long shot.

just stop doing anything that isn’t baby related

you need to stop accepting and facilitating the this or it will never change and your child will grow up thinking that this is ok

The only part of your story that is unreasonable is "reaching out" to your dh 😂🤑other than that, get him told!! List what each of you do in the household, then he will realise how little he does and how much you do.

Such a good point! If men were the default carers of young children I don’t think there’d be a huge amount of cleaning going on. It would all be ‘getting them interested in rugby’ ie watching it, and campaigning for better play areas in pub gardens.

This is one of those cases where a man’s true colours are shining through now there’s additional responsibility and he thinks the M in temporary SaHM stands for maid not mum.

I think you should look at it from the point of view of outside working hours.
After work he should do half the childcare and half the chores but not during working hours.
Having higher standards is tricky because it's never going to change.

I am a bit surprised at all the suggestions that the mum on mat leave should do nothing other than baby related stuff? Surely there's time within the day to get meals ready and do the laundry?
I took the view that DH was working all day and coming home tired. He did some night shifts with baby or toddler and did all the bath and bedtime so we were both flat out really.

appreciate this take but baby will only nap longer than 20 mins if he’s being held. The point I’m making is not that I don’t want to do any house work when baby sleeps etc it’s that he doesn’t do anything when he has huge bits of downtime in his working day

You deserve so much better, but so does your baby.
Stop doing anything for him.
Laundry, shopping and cooking.
Ask yourself what is the point of him?
Because it really isn't clear from your post.
You will have zero peace when you return to work because of this selfish loser.

Start insisting to him he shares the load or the marriage is over before your mat leave is finished.

Do not not have another child with this waster.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Secrecy and covering for men like him with family and friends is half the problem.
Tell the truth and shame him.

Consider some therapy to figure out why you think you deserve so little in a partner and father of your child?

i think the phase is "married single parent" I work from home and people that have "downtime" don't last. So you appear to be at risk of being a "working married single parent"

Second child here too and just ending maternity leave. Exactly the same situation.

I do absolutely everything. Cleaning, cooking, bills, home management, all the admin which comes with two kids.

He goes to work. Sometimes does laundry. Helps with the night wakes.

I am on my last legs. Exhausted. Yet I can't ask him to help or things don't get done or slip or need to be redone.

Yeah. YANBU. This is a thing and it is infuriating. I wish I'd nipped my situation in the bud much sooner. Say something now and hopefully you can level the field.

this. Do not do chores during the day! Do them Evenings or weekends. And he does other cleaning cooking or kids. But alternate both.

Yes you can. Just stop doing half of what needs to doing. If no plates get clean, so what. Buy paper ones.

being exhausted and doing everything hasn’t made him magically Notice. Tell him and them stop doing it. If they get done badly so what. If they don’t get done. So what.

you have to bloody mean it.

This. ^