AIBU by calling the police?

[Bellajumps]

Hi all,

I have a DSS aged 15 and a DD aged 5. My husband works away during the week and is home at weekend.
My DSS lives with us full time and doesn’t see his mum. There is a history of physical and emotional abuse and drugs and alcohol in the home. When he was 9 he refused to go home to his mums after sleeping at a friends house and told his dad everything after realising it isn’t normal behaviour for mums.

We do not have a court order as his mum let him move in with dad permanently and she went to rehab. This did not work and when he went over at Christmas when 11 her boyfriend hit him. We stupidly still didn’t go to court. He has blocked her on all social media and his phone so she can only make contact through my husband. We know she has made accounts though to stalk him.

During the last few months I have seen her sat outside school when he leaves. She has also tried to pick him up from school twice in the last few months.

He never wanted police involvement previously about the abuse and drug use. However, my DSS is now scared and has mentioned contacting police. AIBU to agree with him and contact the police. My MIL has said I shouldn’t call the police as it’s in the past and she hasn’t done anything for 6 years so isn’t now. My MIL still thinks she has made some mistakes but she can redeem herself. However, I’m terrified that she might try and take him, I know he is 15 but he’s very frail and small due to malnutrition and mistreatment when with mum as a child.

Please can people share whether I should or shouldn’t call the police.

Yes definitely contact the police for advice especially as Dss has mentioned wanting to

Given he has asked to contact them then yes I would encourage his dad and you to support him in following his wishes.

No, it just a mother missing her child. Have some compassion.

Wtf mate, no. She's scaring him, whether she misses him or not (and I agree she likely does). Some parents are just not cut out to be parents.

Yes contact the police but as she has PR she can technically take him then it would be on you to prove he’s not safe with mum. 6 year old evidence won’t be enough for the police. Also get to family court asap at age 15 he will have his wishes listens to by the judge. Once you have the court order he lives with you then the police will have power to get him back and school will have power to refuse to hand him over etc. without a court order the PR will trump it all

Has she done something in particular that means you need to call right now? What does your husband think about this - could it wait until he is back? Tbh I am not sure a court order would be relevant in terms of custody as he's 15 and well able to express what he wants (and doesn't want).

I’m not sure what the police can do if she’s not got any restrictions on seeing him?

Are you missing the part where she was emotionally ans physically abusive to him? And is now stalking him at school?

Police can’t do anything, as pp pointed out his mum still has parental responsibility, and there’s no court order 🤷‍♀️ So what do you expect them to actually do?

Just get it to court and get it sorted!

She's his mother and there's no court order so what can the police do? Can you report the violence at Xmas now or is it too late?

Yes. Log it with the police.

There won't be anything for them to do at the moment, but the log will be there.
Also, ask for an appointment with the Pastoral Lead or Safeguarding Lead at the school so they are aware. Again, nothing for them to do at present, but it gives an awareness should something happen to upset him in the coming months.

Really daft not to have formalised this via family court.

I don't think you are unreasonable to do something about it, but YABU to think your first step should be to call the police.

She hasn't done anything illegal, there is no restraining order against her, she isn't threatening in any way..: what do you want the police to do about it?

By all mean consult a solicitor to understand what your options are. But I think they'll.be limited.

The situation as is, I don’t believe is a police matter, even if she approached her son it still wouldn’t be a police matter as she has legal parental responsibility of her child, there is no court order in place so she isn’t breaching or breaking the law.

Is there another entrance your dss can use in the school when leaving ?

Yes you contact the police. And you point out to mil the impact this is having on her grandchild

he was emotionally and physically abused, he wants nothing to do with the woman who allowed this and she is stalking ghim

Contact them now

Whatever the sentiment but as a mother you should put your children’s needs first. Her son is scared. The woman is selfish - a pattern that continued since he was small.

OP, let school know and alert police. Protect the peace of your DSS as much as possible.

Have you discussed it with your DH and what does he say?

Yes, @Bellajumps definitely report it to the police. Show your DSS you have his back and will always take his concerns seriously. Even if the police dont do anything, at least it will be logged if anything untoward was to happen.

Thanks for everyone’s responses.
My DSS wants to report the abuse he faced between being born and the last time he had contact with her. This includes beatings, left at home overnight at 6, drugs and alcohol, giving him a vape and alcohol at 7 and filming this. Making him kiss the daughter or a friend of hers when he tried to come out as gay. Previously he hasn’t wanted to call the police but it’s all too much now.
My husband is difficult to contact when he is away but wants what is best for his child.
The school would not give him to her as they are aware of history (in part even though not fully as he hasn’t even fully opened up to us). They said only myself or my husband can collect early from school.
I understand she misses him desperately but he doesn’t even call her mum. He has called me mum since he was 10. He wants nothing to ever do with her again and blames her for the fact he is in counselling 3 times a week.

I understand we should have gone to court initially but my DH was afraid because he works away and because he’s the dad that the court would send him back to her.

Absolutely if he wants to call them about what she's doing you should support him doing that.

It does sound like she's stalking him. He's made it clear he doesn't want to speak to her. If she tries to pick him up from school, at his age, he should be able to say no to other adults / teachers etc and they wouldn't and couldn't force him to leave with her.

As for thinking the police won't do anything - presumably he can make a report of the historical abuse and assault by the boyfriend if he wishes and at the very least if hope they'd speak to her and hopefully that would be enough to put her off hanging around the school.

I'm not sure police will do anything if she's not being threatening or violent at that time as she's got PR and there's no court order saying she can't see him or pick him up etc. I would ring 101 for advice see if anything can be done on their end.

People make mistakes. It seems she was mentally unwell.That's her baby. I feel sorry for her

I find it odd that you appear to have no compassion for the child she abused. Why is she the only one you appear to have any empathy for.

I do and don't know why you would just assume that.