Husband and food

[WinterGold]

My husband is in his late 70s and has physical health issues, not helped by his weight. I’m 20 years younger.

He is always fussing about his next meal and at what time. He doesn’t have to, but eats religiously by the clock, not when he is peckish or hungry. For example, we are currently on holiday and he ate a huge meal last night, has had a full English breakfast, mid morning snacks - just because they were available - and is already anxious about where we are going to eat tonight. We are currently relaxing and not expending that much energy either.

He’s not that much different at home sadly, I have to be very specific and ask him not to help himself if I don’t want to go to the fridge and find ingredients I got planned for a meal already raided. Our adult son recently bought some chocolates for a work colleague who was leaving, only to find the box opened and half eaten and he will think nothing of demolishing a whole large bar of fruit and nut alone. It’s like if it’s there, he can’t forget about it until he’s had it. He’s also a very fast eater and won’t think twice about helping himself to food I’m still eating. I’ve even jokingly threatened to spear his hand with my fork if he keeps doing it! We’ve even been at friends’ houses for a meal and he’ll either start eating first, help himself to seconds before being offered or others have finished.

In view of his health issues, I've tried steering him away from the ultra processed stuff or suggested smaller portions, but I get accused of being controlling and that how is he expected to “survive” on lighter meals. I enjoy food and feel it should be relished and appreciated, not got on board as ASAP.

He’s showing no signs of any cognitive decline before anyone asks, but I could just do with some pointers of kind ways to encourage him to slow down and chill. I would add his mother, when she was alive, was also very similar.

Well at this stage of his life he's unlikely to change!

I'd just tell him to ask before he helps himself to food in case it's something you need for a meal, or send him to the shop for replacements every time.

He's a greedy selfish pig.

he wont be changing now, not in his late 70s. He must have always been like this from what you say, it’s perhaps only recently come to annoy you
he’s an old chap now whereas you are still younger in mindset.
I think I’d let it go & he can do as he likes, as long as he leaves the dinner things in the fridge alone

Did he grow up poor or have lots of siblings?

He’d have been born in the 1940s or 50s so still in food rationing years

Weight loss injections to reduce appetite. Otherwise you can’t change his behaviour if he doesn’t see it as a problem.

As others have said, what do you expect to happen? He's not going to change at his age.

Im really confused at comments saying he wont change. Im the last person to shout ageism on mumsnet but the idea that he's being rude and inconsiderate around other people and cant/wont change because of his age is...surely ageist??
'You are rude and inconsiderate around food and it needs to stop'

I guess you’re right, he’s always enjoyed food in a positive way in the last, it’s just a shame he seems to have got much less discerning and wants to just fill up on rubbish.

I would approach it with him from a health point of view and spell out what he is putting himself at risk of. Remind him you don’t want to be a widow any earlier than you should be. His unhealthy eating impacts you as well as him. Ask him if he would be willing to have an appointment with the GP to discuss his weight and general health.

I personally think it's ok that he has a good appetite, usually when people enter their 70s their appetite really decreases. However eating other people's food isn't on and using ingredients that are ear marked, maybe you could stick a post it on the ingredients in the fridge ? I use to do that when mine were all teens as they wouldn't be aware that I needed them even though I'd say it a million times.

Can't really comment on the big chocolate bar as I could easily eat one of those myself. I guess it depends on how big the meals are when you say enormous because sometimes I read on here what's enormous and think that I'd actually starve eating some of the portion sizes mentioned.

You can't control another human being. So anything you do to try to "curb" his eating is a form of controlling.

He is a grown adult human, with more years than you on this earth, free to make his own decisions. Whether those decisions are what you'd consider good is moot. They are his decisions to make. Whether they hasten his demise? Make your feelings known you dont want him to die and let him decide whether the crap food is worth it... if he wants to get fatter and feel like sh*t, let him, and point it out when he starts moaning.

The eating of others food is out of order; and needs to be addressed separately as suggested above "You are rude and inconsiderate around food and it needs to stop".

That’s quite a good point; it IS like having a teenager in the house with his head in the fridge literally saying, “what can I eat now?”
A standard meal will be, for example, a large plateful of three/four sausages, generous portion of chips/mash and beans always followed by a pudding. I’ve tried to suggest yoghurt for a sweet option, but it is always rejected stodgy type dessert. He would eat chips every day he had the option.

I guess I find it a shame that his appetite has increased as his activity has decreased as his weight is proving and he doesn’t seem to see his metabolism has inevitably slowed - as ours all do. He currently weighs around 16 stone at 5’10”

Only child - although as I mentioned before, his mother had similar eating patterns in later life.

Your stomach CAN be trained to feel full with less. I’ve certainly got less capacity to stuff myself compared to 20 years ago. I’m also about 15kg lighter.

If he’s relying on you to do the cooking, start increasing whole grain, soups and stews, porridge for breakfast, stuff that needs chewing.
Ease of access is an important factor. Everything in the fridge needs to be spoken for and no grazing on high density snacks.
And if he wants a big bar of Fruit and Nut, he can go for a walk to the shop to get one!

Absolutely no need for the last line. Really unpleasant.

Oh no! Not sausage, chips AND beans! Call the food police! 🚨 🚨

Rude!

4 sausages and a huge portion of chips is a massive amount of calories. Especially for someone not particularly active.

@WinterGold his eating habits sound repulsive and would give me the ick. But it's not just the eating - it's helping himself to food that isn't his. That's so rude!

If he accuses you of being controlling, then tell him he is rude and a glutton and is going to eat himself into a grave if he keeps going, so you're only trying to help him out given he is already overweight.

It's a perfectly normal meal for a man in his late 70s. He's unlikely to be eating bao buns and sushi rolls.

You are as rude as hell to call him "repulsive".

Does he ever cook or do the food shop?

5 foot 10 and 16st isn't great but isn't completely awful either.

By the way you were saying he was eating I thought he was going to be absolutely huge.

4 sausages and a huge portion of chips is absolutely not a normal meal for someone in their late 70s! My parents and aunts/uncles are all in their mid/late 70s and eat a balanced healthy diet with minimal UPFs.

And I think repulsive is a fair word for someone who steals food belonging to others and tries to steal food of others plates!

He sounds utterly repulsive to me.

I agree his manners especially when you eat with others should be better, and that he shouldn’t eat stuff that belongs to someone else or is needed for something else. But beyond that, let him eat what he likes.

You are in a different boat in your late 50s, but by late 70s I’d just let him enjoy whatever he wants for whatever time he has left. One of my grandfathers lived almost entirely on chocolate biscuits for the last five years of his life, but by your early 90s, why wouldn’t you have a chocolate biscuit every time you felt like one?! Other grandparents always had a couple of drinks and salty snacks at 5pm every evening for their last ten years. They knew it wasn’t a healthy habit by they felt that once you make it to your 80s, you should be allowed just to enjoy eating and drinking what you want.

Focus on you - as horrid as this sounds you will outlive him. And you will have to look after him in his last years... which may be tricky considering his weight.

Make sure you are healthy, fit, happy.

He is too old to change if he doesn't want to.

In isolation it’s not a big deal. The point is though; to most of us that would be a filling main meal and you’d probably not need a lot else to eat for the rest of the day. He will be wanting more within a couple of hours, the same following a blow out roast.

It’s just that whatever time he’s eaten earlier, he sees the clock says 6pm, so in his mind it’s evening meal time.

I guess I’m just become more aware because my two adult children have politely mentioned it to me especially when we’ve been at my daughter’s house and whilst she’s serving up a meal, he’s hovering and helping himself before the plates are even on the table.