Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

@musicismath You say there are upsides and downsides to both, but you haven't yet given an upside to having kids young. You've only given downsides to it and upsides to having kids older! So it seems you are very one sided, which it seems you have an issue with the other poster apparently being!

Well luckily it‘s no one else’s business. But you do sound rather anal when it comes to organisation to be honest. Life happens when you are busy planning

Thats where you’re wrong, there are no upsides.

University bans; capped income; travel bans; nobody will employ you; no access to childcare or your own parents to help out; not allowed friends to party and have fun with; and you’re just as likely to die at 25 than past middle age… thats what I’ve gathered at least😂

Honestly though, it’s always framed through the worst lens possible.

Parenting for older mums = wonderful, enlightening, lots of skiing and travel

parenting for younger mums = UC, popping out babies, kids having kids, changing nappies

No it's not selfish but as the child of older parents it's hard work. I'm at the stage of life where I have young children to look after and I'm also spending a lot of time ferrying my parents about to various appointments/rushing them to hospital (and they are not in particularly bad health)

I know there are a lot of older parents who don't need much support but my particular situation is hard work and my friends aren't in this position (their parents were not in their 40s when they had them).

This is just my experience and I would caveat it by saying they have been wonderful, supportive parents.

Fair comment - that last post was made in the last minute or two of my lunch break, so I didn't really flesh it out. I do see upsides, for those who are mature enough in themseves to become parents at a young age - mainly that they are likely to have more energy, stay healthier for longer, and as pp commented, be present in their children's lives for longer. I do still maintain that for many people it's not the right choice, though.

I’d try for a year and, if I didn’t get pregnant within that year, accept that.

I had my only child at the age of 44. I too went travelling and did all the things I wanted to do first. I say go for it. The only thing I would say is that perhaps I don’t have as much energy as a 20 year old for example, but I am still managing to keep up, 17 years later!

Nope! Me and me partner had a child at 31 after being together for 10 years. Got together and after a few years being together and having fun we realised that we never had a scare, although we wernt using contraception. So then found out we had medical problems and would need IVF. Ended up having a kid through IVF, who is nearly 5 now. But I am now reaching a point in my 'career' where I am studying for a degree which will better our lifes both financially and for myself. But I won't finish studying until I'm 38, and then need to go through IVF again (making sure it's when I can get maternity pay) so probably will not have another until 40.
I am happy knowing that I had a great life before children and my kid is also going to have a great life. I only feel sad when she says she wants a sibling. But at the end of the day, your life is for living. Only you chose what your purpose is. Your kid will see you as the parent you were.
What's the difference between a young mum and an older mum?

Hi,
it’s not your sisters business, acknowledge her opinion and point out it’s your life .
i had my first child at 22, I struggled a lot in many ways ( mental health and finances) but i had lots of energy.
i got remarried in my late thirties, and had 3 more children at 37,39 and 41. I didn’t have any trouble conceiving and had healthy pregnancies and easy births. My energy was pretty good as I was fit and worked out a lot. I was financially and mentality sound.

my youngest will be 18 this year and whilst I’m 59 I’m in great health and fitness. I’m not anywhere near my death bed yet🤣
my parents were a bit shocked I had children that ‘old’ but they had me when they were 19, it was common to marry and have babies young ( in fact my mum got labelled ‘elderly paragravida’ at 28 years old when she had her last child🤣)
things have changed, we live longer now.

More people are choosing to have children later in life, partly life choice and partly financial reasons.

if you’re fit and healthy, ignore those who are negative and live your life!
good luck xx

Its nobodies business but your own. Im 44 and always wanted another so you still young in my eyes

The term is 'elderly primigravida' and your mother would not have been labelled that at 28. The medical term was introduced in 1958 and applied only to women having their first baby at 35 or over.

Perhaps you’d like to take that up with my mother. She told me she was called elderly and I didn’t question her. I didn’t see the need to correct her on her terminology but I’m sure to pass it on to her .🙄

DH's mum had him when she was 43 and his older brother was 16. He always says he had an idyllic childhood and the only downside was losing both parents by his mid-thirties.

Of course it’s not. And it’s not the right choice for many the other way round!

What is your own view, out of interest?

Stop over sharing information with relatives about your reproductive plans. No one needs to know and certainly no one outside your marriage has a right to a vote.

My mum was in this position and she had us in her 20s. She also was looking after their business for them. I had mine in my 40s and am only just having to help my parents with their hospital appointments. However mine will be in a different situation when I’m old!

Everyone has different life experiences and it is up to you when you decide to have children. There are pros and cons for each decision we make. I hope that you are successful in having a second child. You sound as if you have really thought this through. I know it's hard, but try not to be defined by how other people see you.

It’s actually really irresponsible to have a child before you turn 40. The first signs of diseases like MS and Huntingtons often don’t emerge until you’re 40, so you should wait until 40 before having kids so you know you don’t have a degenerative condition that will prevent them from having an energetic parent.

Oh wait, does that sound stupid? My bad. I guess we should have children when we can provide a loving home and not age-shame people.

I had both of mine in my early 40s. They are in their 20s now and I’m fine. You don’t need energy as such when they’re eighteen, you need it when they are toddlers and primary school age. (I’m in my 60s and am no different looks wise or energy wise to my mum friends who had their kids in their 30s).

The one thing that does play on my mind though is that they won’t get as long with me here as I would like. I probably won’t see any grandchildren reach adulthood

I had a baby at 48. I must be extremely selfish so, according to your family! 😂
I would ignore these small-minded, old fashioned people. You sound like great parents - going to counselling to intentionally break toxic cycles, living your lives first as you know the responsibility of having children - if only everyone did this before procreating, we’d have more well-adjusted and cared for children in this world.
And people are healthier and live longer nowadays so I don’t understand where age matters - there’s a good chance you’ll see your child into their forties.

Also there is a high percentage of 40+ year old parents nowadays so you are not alone in this.
best of luck with your journey.

That child will be under 10 when you are 50. They could effectively end up being a carer at 15. Illnesses start cropping up after 50,its just selfish to put this on a child.
And you REALLY needed 18 years to travel etc???

I don’t think you can generalise.
My mother had me when she had just turned 18 - I’ve spent the last 18 years visiting her in various supported living & nursing care facilities. She died a few weeks ago at 81.
When she became ill, I had a 7 yr old & a 3 year old.
People become ill at different ages.
My mother’s mother lived to 98 - my mother was ill herself before her own mother started to decline.
My grandmother, and mother’s, greatest joy was having grandchildren.
I know, as an older mother, I was a more capable mother, than my mother, who had me at 18.

My Granny had her last Baby at 50 years I am sure he was happy to have been alive. He was 35 when she died. It is agest to dictate to others about their choices later in life. You have so much experience to offer your child ? children...

"if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF" pushes your age to 43-45 by the time the kid is born. That makes the age difference with your current child 8-10 - they won't be siblings who grow up together. I'm 45, perimenopausal, and there's nothing I would hate more right now than a newborn who needs me all day every day.