Sister says my husband and I are selfish for wanting a child in our 40s

[MyTaupeSwan]

I’m 40 this year and my husband is 42 We have a son who just turned 4 and started school in September, and now we feel ready for another child. We left things quite late in terms of having kids we’ve been together 18 years, and in that time we’ve had a lot of fun, traveled, and done everything we could while we had the chance and without too many worries.

Now that we’ve finally settled down, we got married 9 years ago. We were one of those couples that were engaged for a few years not because we didn’t want to get married or weren’t sure, but because we wanted to experience other things before having a wedding. We did couples counseling to make sure we were a good match, both for parenting and for marriage. I was worried about repeating my mum’s mistakes, so I did individual counselling as well.

We’ve always wanted children, but we wanted to have our freedom and experiences first, because having a child is such a big commitment. We’ve faced a lot of judgment, mainly from my family, but we feel ready now. I think we’re great parents even though it’s only been four years, the journey has just begun. Our son is the light of our lives, and we really enjoy being parents.

I’m glad we got to do all the things we wanted before having children, but I do feel judged sometimes. My mum thinks I was selfish for not having kids in my late 20s. I’ve told her that we’ve been trying recently and struggling, but she doesn’t really offer support just says I’m old and should have done it when I was “more fertile.”

My husband and I have had a lot of conversations about this. We’ve decided that if trying naturally doesn’t work, we’ll try a few rounds of IVF, and if that doesn’t succeed, we’ll continue living our lives. We’re lucky to have our son, and he is incredibly loved.

Is 40 too late and are we being selfish.
Seeing my brothers and sister with all their children and their children having siblings, I want that for our son. Maybe I should have spent my 20s having children and we wouldn’t have this issue

The best time to have kids is when you feel ready to be good parents!

My mum had me at 40, her final child of 6. She told me “don’t wait because it’s fucking hard work when you’re older” and I have had mine really young. Hats off to anyone who does it in their 30s or 40s because it’s fucking hard work now 😂. You’re not selfish. There’s pros and cons to young and older. DH jokes that when we’re in our 50s we can “change the locks and get on with our lives”, and I guess that’s a pro.

My sister is late 30s and I would never dream of commenting on her fertility or family plans.. not my business. Tell your sister to wind her neck in.

This 100 per cent!

Your sister and your mum sound horribly judgemental.. You have the resources and the inclination. I had a child at 40 and never regretted it for a second. And siblings were so happy, still are, which is something I have always encouraged.

You sound like you've thought this through carefully.. So what if your nearest relatives are piling on the negatives. The beauty of being 40 is that you are no longer an inexperienced 20 year old. You know who you are and what you want.
You should pay a lot less attention to your naysaying relatives. Its your life. Not theirs.

Some of the replies you've had are appalling! FWIW, I think you should keep trying for that loved baby and just do you, no matter what others negatively think. There are plenty of children out there with younger parents who haven't got as much to give as you. The only thing that made me cringe is the statement you have made a few times that 'we are great parents'. Who says that about themselves, so confidently?

Sounds like your sister is jealous as you have had it all, the fun youth, traveling etc and now have a child too. Don’t pay any attention, you do you. Your sister doesn’t get a vote! It’s not too old at all, go for it OP.

I’m 30 and my mum had me at 37 and my brother at 43 as she struggled to conceive him. She still has plenty of energy.

I find it odd so many people seemed to be concerned at 60 your written off.

Gor for it Op. I was 40 when I had my second child and it's working out brilliantly so far (she's 7 now and I'm 47). I was a bit tired during the sleepless nights phase but I survived! It's brilliant and at my daughter's school there are lots of other mums about my age too.

I had my daughter when I was 41. It was better than the first time round when I was 21.

Ultimately it’s your choice. People will always have their opinions. But consider whether your body could physically take another pregnancy, and that you’ll be in your 80s when your children are in their late 30s/early 40s. That’s a potential burden for them.

Yes, well this is soon going to be the new normal, isn't it? Historically, most people weren't having to worry about their very elderly parents until they no longer had young children to parent themselves.

That will all change as a second generation of people start choosing to have babies in their 40s rather than their 20s and 30s, and their parents did the same. It will become increasingly common for a woman of 48 to be dealing with the menopause at the same time as parenting a five year old and a seven year old and having 90 year old parents who are incapable of helping out as a hands-on grandparents, because by that stage they'll need a fair bit of caring for themselves.

Whereas I am only just starting to experience this with my 83 year old mother now, and I'm sixty. My children are self sufficient adults, late 27 and 31. I've had quite a few years free of time to recover my energy and restore my sanity before that next wave of feeling constantly responsible and concerned for the wellbeing of someone who relies on me.

Do you think she could a tad jealous?

Medically speaking, and practically speaking, yes you should have had your children in your 20's or early 30's.
It's impractical to have another child in your 40's, but having a child is always fundamentally selfish- I don't see having one later as particularly more selfish. Your mother is thinking of you, and your diminishing energy, and importantly herself-she will be unlikely to see a child of your 40's grow up to full adulthood.
Take all these things into consideration and make your decision.

What a horrid, vitriolic post. Totally unnecessary. So what if it takes 2 or 3 years. I had twins at 48. No issues whatsoever.

it's Not selfish to want to give a sibling to your son, especially knowing that the pregnancy is a bit harder on the body. I had my 4th child at age 45. I had just married my 2nd husband and pregnancy was a super happy surprise. My "baby" before him was age 10 at time, so a full decade apart. The boys keep growing closer to each other as they age. Even though limited years of living in same house, all the tech/social media today connects my youngest to his older siblings- he is very close to the two younger. As far as parental energy, i had plenty, never an issue. Now in my early 60s, im slowing down, but it hardly matters because an 18 yr old doesn't need you running them around anymore!

Rubbish! I am now in my later 60s and have a 15 year old. Yes, I could have done with being more agile during the toddler years, and we always knew she would have a “different” upbringing, but she is a happy, well adjusted teen who does all the things her peers do, keeps us au courant with music, fashion and technology, and has benefitted from having older parents in experiencing travel, amazing restaurants and theatre trips etc, Neither she nor we would change a thing.

What you decide to do regarding planning your family is your business not anyone else’s. I had my children when I was 39 and 42. It did take a year to get pregnant with the second one but hey ho. I’m older than some of my mum friends but that makes no difference whatsoever. I think it’s great to give your first child a sibling. Best of luck.

My daughter has a 5month old baby girl and she is 42. I was worried at first not only because of her age, a lot of my generation had babies in their 20s, but also worried as she had a heart valve replacement 4 years ago. Her team were happy for her to go ahead though, she did have a bit of extra care,but, that was merely because of her heart. Anyway she told me some of the pregnant mothers were older than her, apparently it's not as unusual these nowdays. She already, from her first husband, has a 14 year old boy who adores the baby and helps out, ie carrying car seat, watching baby while mum showers etc, and a 11 year girl who also loves baby. It's all good.

Agree. Im 68 and im certainly not ready for the knackers yard yet! 😆
If one of my children was in mid twenties I wouldn't think i was an old parent

40 is 💯 not too old .
Best of luck with it all 🙌

@Genevieve29 "and has benefitted from having older parents in experiencing travel, amazing restaurants and theatre trips etc"

What are you talking about? We are much younger parents than you and have done all these things. What has that got to do with older parents?

Look at the disability rates to older parents before you decide?

and look at the likelihood that either of you getting a serious illness before the child reaches adulthood?

Not saying no, just saying that these boards are full of mothers struggling to cope alone with disabled children and the likely good of disabled children increase substantially when either parent is over 40

Everyone knows that there are increased risks in having a child when older , however it’s absolutely none of your sisters business , you do not need to quantify to her anyone your reasons for doing so . If she can’t be happy for you I would be tempted to tell her to shut her big mouth & keep it shut .

I was the first of my friends to have a child at 32 and plenty of my friends had their kids in their 40s. I don't think this is an odd choice at all. My husband and I got together at 19 and had our daughter at 32 and I don't regret that. Regretted it slightly after my second miscarriage as I was worried I'd left it too long, but then we did manage to have our 2 lovely wonderful children and are happy about the life we can provide for them.

My only suggestion is to consider who their guardians will be. Not because your age puts you at greater risk of xyz, but because your own parents will almost certainly be too old to take this on if something unexpected were to happen to you. We can't have our parents look after our kids if we both die so it's a friend of ours. As it sounds like your sister is way past this point in her life, it would be a massive ask for her as well so you want to think about this carefully as your child(ren) are really young.

I was 41 when my daughter was born and my son was 19 and a half. I was financially more secure and I was done with the wild party days and I found the whole thing easier than the first time around. My daughter will be 31 this year and has given me 3 wonderful grandchildren. I am fit and active and regularly help with my grandchildren.

Sounds like it's worked out for them, then, which is great. We're all different. I just know I was way too young myself at that age, and not remotely ready to be tied to caring for babies.

I also think a pp made a valid point about having kids young potentially hampering a woman's independence.