Innocent colloquialism or condescending…?

[SpringDreams26]

I am an in house solicitor and have a new client (so also a colleague but one of the departments which instructs me/sends me work).

New client is quite arrogant, refers repeatedly to our “good working relationship” which I think he does quite manipulatively because he will promise an unrealistic timeframe to a third party which is entirely dependent on me, without checking with me re workload etc (usually work goes to a central inbox and is allocated according to workload, skillset etc, but he tends to come direct).

I’ve had to remind him the the fees he agrees externally are too low, and he keeps telling me that’s because of the sort of business etc they are - which is totally irrelevant to me - we have costs for certain matters that we use to quote so I’m not sure why he feels he has discretion to agree on my departments behalf.

Lastly, and the point of this post, he often calls me “my dear” so I sent a perfectly professional email to which he responded “I shall deal with [X] my dear, just get [X] done.”

He calls me “my dear” when he’s using a smart tone like I asked him about something he had done recently in conversation and he obviously felt I’d underestimated him (the reality was it wasn’t work related and I wasn’t interested in discussing his achievements) and he sort of said “of course I can my dear”.

Im not sure I’m explaining it well. I wouldn’t have said I’m particularly sensitive and I’ve been doing this job 12 years and can only think of one or two other people who have been particularly misogynistic, and overtly so. I can’t decide if I’m precious finding the use of “my dear” really annoying.

@SpringDreams26 I assume you and he both have more senior people who are your 'managers' /that you report to?

I would report the unworkable timescales and the fees issue to them for starters. That's what needs to be addressed from a professional stand point urgently.

I would probably try to handle the 'My dear' thing yourself- a few suggestions already made by ppl.

I was joking. In real life I'd bring it up with him. Depending on the make up of the rest of the organisation I'd see if he used similar language with other colleagues. If nothing changed I'd raise it with HR.

The issue around the timings and not consulting properly I'd talk with my line manager about with proof and examples of the occurrences, not as a snitch but as a "this is a challenging situation that I'm trying to manage at the moment and it's having a detrimental impact on the rest of my workload while also making me feel disrespected in the workplace, what would you advise I do next?"

I would reduce contact with him to the absolute minimum. Set out your charges, do the work agreed and if he messes up with third parties, that's nothing to do with you.

Make sure everything is in writing, professional and polite. Then forget about him. Knob.

Oh he's definitely trying to put you in your place, which in his eyes is considerably beneath him. When he says jump, he is expecting you to ask how high.

I used to have a boss who would respond to issues brought to his attention with "Don't worry your little head about it". It enraged me. He never actually said the 'little' bit, but we both knew that's what he meant.

Yeah, this is being done to be deliberately condescending/patronising. It's not like, eg, a taxi driver cheerfully saying 'Thanks, have a nice day, love' when you pay your fare or something, which is just meant to be friendly.

It's a colleague speaking to another colleague in a really patronising way and undermining your professionalism. It's basically the equivalent of 'Calm down, dear'.

Yes I wouldn’t use it back or similar.
Ensure you are fully professional.

Corner shop man calling you "love" - fine by me
Solicitor calling you "my dear" - not fine at all.

I don’t think this is the right approach. A straight bat is the way forward “Please call me Mary” every single time. Don’t do anything that might give her m an inch to start a debate.

He’s not a solicitor he’s a surveyor, so another professional. But the sentiment is the same and I agree.

Re the issues of fees - I have addressed that. We have a price list and I’ve said we can’t deviate. Thing is he’s given me similar matters, so his argument is I can use the precedent I’ve already drafted - but that’s not how our pricing works and also penalises the first client who ends up paying the whole lot. Also he doesn’t understand my work enough to realise it’s not just the document I deal with but the background stuff, so a precedent is helpful but not the beginning and end.

You're very tolerant. If anyone called me 'my dear' in any context, let alone a work setting, I'd lose my shit. It's even worse that he's relatively young. I'd pull him up on it.

Urgh. Men can be so arrogant. Vile prick.

I was expecting him to be near retirement age !
Totally unacceptable.

Try staring at him while saying "What did you call me ?"

He is arrogant, I have a genuinely good working relationship with his peers and they all value my expertise. The matters he brings to me are not high priority urgent matters, he’s made them urgent. They should be slotted in amongst other priority work.

Thinking about it, he’s probably swinging his dick around telling the third parties how quickly he can get it all squared off for them and then dropping it on me….

Yes I was going to say he is clearly someone who doesn't realise that precedents don't work like that!!

Ask him how he would like it if you called him Sonny.

Really winds me up. A vet’s consult, for comparison is £X amount (it’s usually £40 for me) I can’t say, but this isn’t your first consult, you’ve done lots of consults so I don’t need to pay base rate for this one, it hasn’t taken you as long, because you’re paying for their expertise and ability. The fact they’re experienced is precisely why you trust them with your pets. My time is more expensive than my secretary or the reprographics team because it’s more specialist. 🤯

Oh please. More ageism…..ironic really, on a thread about sexism.

Dear Peter, can I draw your attention to the fee structure under which we operate which can only be amended by (a senior partner.) In the interests of professionalism, can we avoid the use of terms of endearment in our correspondence.

I hate ‘dear’ in that context. It’s very outdated.

If he sends work directly, either return it with a message that workload doesn't allow for it at this time, or forward it on to the central inbox for allocation. Attach a copy of the fees while you are doing it.

Lastly, and the point of this post, he often calls me “my dear” so I sent a perfectly professional email to which he responded “I shall deal with [X] my dear, just get [X] done.”

As far as this goes, they would be getting a reply from me along the lines of thank you for actioning this part of your job role, I will continue to action my part of the process in line with process and protocols.

Please refrain from using such condescending language when communicating with me in the future or I will be forced to take this further.

Ensure you cc your manager.

This would piss me right off.

Highly unprofessional and inappropriate. I would go through HR or send him a verbal warning. It's not acceptable.

Would you get away with calling him Sugar Tits?

I've heard it used by a lot of older people, not by any particular race/sex. It has generally been used politely/kindly.
It doesn't tend to be used by younger people at all (same as I don't ever hear my kids using dear to mean expensive).
Wouldn't bother me really, if a term is old-fashioned but not offensive. It'll probably come round again, apparently Boomer language is now being used by the young ones! If he's being cheeky on other ways, OP, then tell him not to do those things.

I manage a team of in house (public sector ) lawyers and if someone in my team was dealing with this I would want to know for several reasons

• inappropriate bypassing of the workflow system by the client
• client not sticking to agreed fees
• inappropriate tone and language

Is there any reason you haven't flagged it yet?

I have flagged the issues with fees with my line manager, and as I mentioned, addressed it. Line manager has left me to address it - I sort of told her what he’d done, what I’d said and let her know I was forwarding the fee structure to him for him to use going forwards. She was happy with that, as was I - I’m capable of managing that.

I haven’t mentioned their use of language” because it’s something that’s evolving and I wasn’t sure how to approach it. He is new and the first few times I was taken aback and didn’t like it - but you can’t report everything you don’t like to HR, that’s part of working life.

Also re the bypassing - he does now CC in my line manager - I told him that’s how work is sent and ensures my line manager knows what I have on. More often than not she will just say “can you pick this up” which is fine. The issue is less that he bypasses and more that he does so with low priority matters but places unrealistic levels of urgency and importance on them. Like his “deals” are super priority.

When in reality they’re low priority. What’s worst is he agrees low fees, then puts the drafting etc onto me - because he doesn’t encourage the otherside to instruct lawyers. So I end up doing extra really, because although I don’t act for the otherside I end up spoon feeding them because they don’t understand how these things work.

I have some genuine high priority matters with funding deadlines and a number of moving parts on my caseload and I can take extra instructions, but really they need to slot in to be manageable - I’m only PT but have a significant caseload. They’d happily have me FT.