To wonder if mum friends are not always real friends

[Wherethehellismyhusbandsongstuckinmyhead]

Are they all just about convenience?

Had what I thought was a fairly solid set of mum friends, we’d talk about our relationships, kids grew up together, we did events altogether and then it gradually faded out. For me it was because my Dc was ill for a long time so I wasn’t able to meet up easily. People seem to have moved on with different mum friends, which I understand. It feels like the friendships had no real meaning and weren’t what I thought they were.
Various other friendship groups have been maintained throughout the years-school friends, uni friends, work friends

Just feels a bit sad, is it just for convenience and when the kids move on, the mums do too?

Yes. Mine ditched me quite early on. I got pregnant a second time and had really bad hyperemesis so couldn’t join the meet ups and nights out. The group seemed to pair off a bit at one point. Then our kids all went to different primary schools. I found it harder second time around as I struggled to join baby groups that allowed a toddler. So less friends. One I did stay fairly close to for a while and both kids got invited to both her kids’ birthday parties when they were doing the whole class parties and random extras. But once the parties became more selective we saw less of them.

Interestingly all our kids eventually went to the same high school as we only have one in our area and we would often say high and stand and chat at school events. Still do.

Throughout primary there was a group of parents I’d chat with at the gates and at class parties but going back to work and being around less meant we saw less of each other. We did try a Mums night out with the mums from my youngest daughter’s class in reception but that class became quite fluid with many children moving out and many others moving in. By secondary I don’t keep in touch with any other than a wave or a hello when passing.

I also found married friends ditched me when I separated from my now ex but that’s probably another thread

I know a few couples who are parents. They’ve stayed friends through the years. One dad though his best friend was also another school dad.

I feel people make the effort when your kids are friends. They invest in you because they want to help keep their kids friendships strong. But if their kids move on, then they do too unfortunately. It’s sad.

I didn’t have much in common with most of the ‘mum friends’ I had when my children were younger. We just had children the same age that liked to play together, they were nice enough and we were all useful to each other in helping each other out if we were ever stuck. As the kids got older, there was nothing deeper holding most of us together, we didn’t really have the same outlook on life or morals, so we drifted.

My closest friends are people I have lots in common with and have similar morals to. I met most of those at uni, one through work and one actually is a ‘mum friend’.

I think the majority of friendships a 'circumstantial'

At school, a lot of friendship groups were dc who either walked together or traveled home on the the same bus or train.
Friendships that can be quite supportive and helpful from baby groups are great to start with because you are all in the same boat, but it doesn't mean you will be lifelong friends because you all had your first baby within a couple of months of each other.
Colleagues who happen to do the same commute.
Someone your season ticket happened to sit you next to at the football.
People you were randomly allocated into the same University flat.
People you play on a rugby team with.
etc
etc
etc.
It doesn't mean the friendships are 'fake' or aren't "real friends" it just means they are 'of a time'.

It's only when you look back over 20 years or so you see who is still there, and who has been there for you through the difficult times as well as the good that you begin to think of people as lifelong friends.

But most friendships rely on whatever brought you together in the first place continuing to still bond you.

People change, circumstances change and friendships change and that’s all OK.

I’ve had wonderful short fleeting friendships and toxic unhealthy longer lasting friendships. I love my old long term friends but not all friendships need to be long lasting to be worthwhile.

They change as the child starts to make their own friends rather than wanting to play with the kids of your mum friends. By the time they hit secondary school the kids will likely have a completely different group of friends and will be getting themselves to and from school so you won’t be meeting at the school gates any more. Lots of the mums go back to work and firm friendships there. If you’re lucky you might hang on to a few, and have a few more to be Facebook friends. I still have three mum friends 20 years after our DDs all went to the same nursery. The girls don’t talk to each other as all anymore, but we still meet up once a month or so.

This.

I’ve had lots of work friends over the years but we lose touch after one or other leaves work. All we really had in common was work. Same with a lot of school friends who changed as they grew up.

My closest friends are still a few of my mum friends some 20 years later (and the dads still meet too). However, with these friends it wasn’t just about the children, we have similar lives.

What was a big mum group when the DC were little has divided into smaller actual friendship groups as the school focus goes.

I never managed to make a life long mum friend. They all faded by the end of primary school. I felt quite rejected over it, as some of them remained friends but I wasn't included.

The main thing you have in common is children the same age and a desire for them to enjoy a busy, sociable primary school. Once that stops, there are a lot fewer threads of common interest, and you don't easily run into people on a daily basis. So it's natural that many of these friendships will fade.

I do think people get a bit weird about “mum friends”. I had a normal small group of friends growing up and into early adulthood. Some were closer than others. Some grew closer and some faded a bit over the years. All normal. But once everyone started having children it definitely changed. No matter where I knew my friends from they all preferred to spend time with their “mum friends”. I get that once having children it becomes something you want to talk about a lot etc but honestly I lost every single friend since they had children. I was unable to have any so needed to make do by myself. But now a lot of their children are growing up they are finding themselves in the same situation. Losing their “mum friends”. And some have started to get back in touch with me after 10+ years. I’m not really interested in meeting up now though as if I’m the fall back plan when all their mum friends disappeared. I wasn’t good enough to spend time with for years but now suddenly they want to “remember who they were” years ago. I’ve moved on and made peace with not having friends. It’s actually fine once you accept it! I’m honestly very happy as I am so I tend to send a text wishing them well and declining any invites to “reconnect” or “remember our youth”.

I remember reading a thread on here where someone said they so bored with their child free friends and would it be awful just to stop seeing them etc because the friends conversation about travel and work was just so boring and they much preferred their new mum friends. I would have no problem with a friend not seeing me for that reason. But I’m not waiting there for 10-20 years until their mum friends all disappear and they want to remember the old conversations.

A lot of jealously in primary because my DC was vastly more intelligent than their DC and getting special treatment/homework. Was on the track to go to grammar. Whilst their DC was either in remedial classes (lexia) or just not that remarkable.

All friendships are transient really, i think one of the really important things in feeling confident about friends is recognising people will move on naturally and its not an insult, you aren't being "dropped".

Friends are the people around at the time. Your interests and needs etc shift, so your friendships shift. If you leave your home town your school friendships tend to drift off, the same with uni friends. Only the very best will last the test of time and thats okay.

I think you’ve been unlucky, or had unusually dense and tunnel-visioned friends. I was 40 when I had DS, so all my friends who had children, had had them earlier. We still saw one another regularly, though they also made friends via NCT or baby groups etc. They didn’t suddenly change personalities. (Ironically, the only friends I lost because of child-related stuff were three older childfree people who were blindsided by my decision to have a baby at 40. I’d thought they’d always been happily childfree, but it emerged that before I’d got to know them, they’d wanted and been unable to have children, and one very devoted couple had almost split after failed IVF because one wanted to adopt and one didn’t. It was too hard for them to see me change categories in their minds.)

Well one example is on one night out with some of my friends we were getting in the car home and one friend said oh can I sit in the front next to “Sarah” please! She has kids so at least I can talk to her! (If she’d sat in the back she’d have been next to me). So yeah maybe I just had particularly crappy friends all along. I’d known this friend for over 10 years at this point. We’d never had an issue in groups or by ourselves. We’d go out just the two of us a lot. But suddenly I wasn’t really worth sitting next to as she could no longer talk to me. She was drunk and a newish mum at the time. But still that sticks with me so yeah I wouldn’t be interested in rekindling that friendship now.

I don’t blame you. She sounds absolutely ridiculous.

I have a few different friends from different walks of life and I have found that I tend to keep 1 close friend from each part of my life. For example I had friends I was so close to at work, yet years down the line I only visit 1. Same goes for mum friends. Now that our kids are in secondary school, it’s a testing time to see who I really have anything in common with. Who I can spend hours with chatting about rubbish when the kids arnt around. And unfortunately, despite knowing so many mum friends and spending so much time with them, there is only 1 who I have a genuine connection with.

The others I would still invite to bdays, and if they call or need something I’m there, but I guess the friendship was built on our children as opposed to our personalities.

I never got on with mum friends. It was hard work, we didn't have much in common besides kids. DC are 15 & 12, I have two friends back from baby group with my 15yo, but the rest I don't speak to anymore. I've made a lot more friends recently from my hobbies.

My experience of " school mum" friends is that it's based around them wanting you to do them favours. Pick their kid up, mind them after school, lend money etc.

But what hobbies?

Oh no 🙈I joined the kink scene, which is where I've met more people like me (who also tend to be like me in being polyamorous and neurodivergent), but also from online gaming

Surely that is going to depend what you are interested in.

No good me saying I have made really good friends from a running club if you hate the idea of running, or that I made really good friends from my Am Dram group, if you hate the idea of acting. You need to spend time doing things you actually enjoy doing, and, if doing them alongside other people who are also there enjoying themselves, there is a natural link, so it is quite likely you will make friends there.

We meet up regularly with the mum and dad friends that we made when the kids were about six or seven. Our children are now in their early 20s. Friends that dump you when your child is unwell, are not real friends.

Yes, I think you’re probably right 😔

All my baby to starting school mum friends faded out. It makes me sad because I really liked a couple of them. I made a solid group of friends through the primary years which have stuck and I really appreciate them. They are a great bunch.