To wonder if mum friends are not always real friends

[Wherethehellismyhusbandsongstuckinmyhead]

Are they all just about convenience?

Had what I thought was a fairly solid set of mum friends, we’d talk about our relationships, kids grew up together, we did events altogether and then it gradually faded out. For me it was because my Dc was ill for a long time so I wasn’t able to meet up easily. People seem to have moved on with different mum friends, which I understand. It feels like the friendships had no real meaning and weren’t what I thought they were.
Various other friendship groups have been maintained throughout the years-school friends, uni friends, work friends

Just feels a bit sad, is it just for convenience and when the kids move on, the mums do too?

Most of mine faded. It’s normal

Same with colleague friends. I thought mine were solid in a previous job but over time we have distanced.

So they’re not genuine really? Why did they fade?
I’m in a bit of a lost situation now though as feel I don’t have a group anymore

For me, they do fizzle out. I think sometimes the only thing you really have in common is children of the same age. Friends for a reason/season

To me they are more like colleagues. Sometimes with a colleague you overshare, or confide, or discuss mundane parts of your life but they come and go and when you’re not around them due to circumstance people move on

To me they are more like colleagues. Sometimes with a colleague you overshare, or confide, or discuss mundane parts of your life but they come and go and when you’re not around them due to circumstance people move on

Feels sad…and for the kids too

I think friendships generally do ebb and flow; it isn’t really particular to ‘mum’ friends, just that life does move on and that’s normal. My NCT group are amongst my closest friends still though, and that’s nearly six years on.

They can be quite "mean girl" or cliquey too.

(At the time I became good friends with my NCT group but haven’t seen any of them for years)

its not a real friendship I don’t feel…our children are a bond then that period is over..,same for your kids…..I don’t think it’s sad as such….just how it is

"Mum" friends arose due to circumstance. I keep up with two - they were kindred spirits.

I don’t think the fact that they fade means that they weren’t real at the time. Almost all friendships rely to an extent on convenience and mutual interests, in this case the kids. Of someone moves away, or if the kids stop binding you together, the friendship has less basis.

That’s the same with school/ uni/ work friends which inevitably change when the situation does.

In another 6 years I bet they won’t be….and that’s life

Yeah that’s normal. You’ll get the odd person who sticks around because you have a bit more in common than your kids but mostly they’re situationships.

I still have two from primary 6 years later. But I think we didn’t have enough in common, same with nct. Also your children choose their own friend’s and my DC’s were generally different to parents I was friends with. I don’t see it as an issue personally

I agree that it’s normal for friendships to ebb and flow - I think you are lucky to have maintained friendship groups from school, university and of colleagues. Why don’t you pick one or two of the ‘mum friends’ and try and arrange to meet for a catch up - it doesn’t mean you can’t socialise occasionally with individuals even if it’s no longer a solid friendship group.

They’re situational friendships, and once the situation is no more (eg end of primary school) you have to work at it much harder as you don’t see each other at school all the time and your kids won’t all hang out together.

Yes, it is. But it isn’t exclusive to ‘mum friends.’ And in fairness I bet if I’d said three years ago that the children were nearly three and we were still friends you’d have said ‘in another three years they won’t be’ and would have been wrong, so never say never.

No one can really tell, of course. But I do think experiencing pregnancy and childbirth in a global pandemic is quite a good bonding experience as a starter!

Of course YANBU, mum friends are certainly not always real friends. Sometimes they are but only time will tell. There are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime. It makes no difference whether it’s a mum friend, someone you met at work or school, someone you sat next to on a train once… friends just turn up in your life and some stick and some don’t.

I think they do fade once you stop crossing paths. People go back to work or up their hours. Weekends are spent catching up with all the jobs. Dc don’t want to meet up with the same dc they knew in primary any more.

I think it can be the case that they’re convenient friends because everyone lives locally and the children are the same age, but they’re not necessarily people you would have been friends with otherwise. Then when things change a bit, such as the children going to different schools, it becomes a bit more of an effort to maintain the friendship and people often drift apart and lose touch.

I had a really close group of baby mum friends and once the kids started school (all different schools) we grew apart but still met up ocassionally. I was always trying to set up meetings but the others seemed too busy. I found out by accident a few years later the other 3 were still meeting but without me 🙁 (pictures from 50th birthday to which I wasn't invited). Never had any explanation why I got dropped.

Still friends with some infant school gang who were very close for years (big group camping trips etc) though kids are now 15/16. Kids aren't friends any more but mums still are.

Mum friends from when my elder 2 were at primary were never as close and faded away once the kids moved on. A couple I'd still say hello to but definitely not close.

I’ve had three kids so three sets of mum friends. The first group was fab, we would meet up a few times a week do play group, day trips, parks, soft play etc. I’d never had a group of friends like that, I loved it. Then everyone started increasing their hours at work/ putting kids in nursery and it just stopped . A couple of them had forged stronger friendships in smaller groups but I hadn’t so I was on my own.
With second dd I made a group of three friends and became close with one of them. This group faded fairly quickly but I stayed close to my friend for a good ten years.
The third group was mostly playgroups and what’s app but even with a lot of it been on sm it started to fade as everyone returned to work. I stayed close friends with a couple of the group and we are still friends ten years on.

I got use to the fact that often mum friends are like work friends. They are friends during a period of time where you have common ground.

I'm kind of pleased to read this in a way. I struggled to make mum friends and felt that as a result, will struggle later in life. However, perhaps there are other ways to make friends