To wonder if mum friends are not always real friends

[Wherethehellismyhusbandsongstuckinmyhead]

Are they all just about convenience?

Had what I thought was a fairly solid set of mum friends, we’d talk about our relationships, kids grew up together, we did events altogether and then it gradually faded out. For me it was because my Dc was ill for a long time so I wasn’t able to meet up easily. People seem to have moved on with different mum friends, which I understand. It feels like the friendships had no real meaning and weren’t what I thought they were.
Various other friendship groups have been maintained throughout the years-school friends, uni friends, work friends

Just feels a bit sad, is it just for convenience and when the kids move on, the mums do too?

Yes this. Its no different to any other acquaintanceship from a workplace - the odd one becomes a close friendship but the vast majority fade into the background as we move on to the next place. The job of “mum” brings you into contact with peers just as every job does.

To put it another way - how would people cope with the thousands of close friends which would result from every acquaintance becoming an enduring friend?

All friendships are situational really. It doesn't matter if you got to know them because you were neighbours, went to school together, played sports together, worked together or had kids who became friends. "Mum friendships" are no different to other friendships. If your kids remain friends you are more likely to keep the friendship, if you have lots of things outside of the kids in common you are more likely to sustain the friendships etc. I don't like this implication that mum's are somehow fake, cliquey or mean. They are just women who had a child, like most of us here.

Have never heard of this. Thanks, will look this up. Love learning about stuff like this!

I think tbh everyone is so caught up in “friends” in this day and age and they compare it to their friendships that had a school when young, or the types of friendships that their mum or nan had. I’m old. Life was so different when I was young, my mum didn’t work, she had time to pour everything into neighbours, school mums, Tupperware parties, PTA volunteering….talk all day in the hairdressers at her weekly appointment…as did my nan. Both my mum and nan used local shops with ready available supplies run by the same man/woman/family. It seems strange to say, but these were how friendships were formed. Everyone knew each other, everyone lived in the local area, everyone knew everything about everyone. As a teenager myself in the 80s we still had a life like that, we had to knock on our friends door to see them, we’d have to go to the local pub to see what was going on that night. It made us more sociable people naturally.

i think these days people are so caught up with did she talk to me at the school gates today/ I haven’t heard from her for a while/ my god she was really off with me today at drop off…when the reality is people just don’t have the time anymore. As sad as that is. My life is slower now, my kids are adults with their own lives. I’m currently sat in my house where you could hear a pin drop…but for years and years and years, we were just literally surviving. And it’s who you survive with at those times of your life. But nothing lasts forever. I wouldn’t take not seeing someone anymore as a sign of personal friendship failure (unless you’ve had a massive falling out!). We all friends of ages and stages of our lives. Sure some last for forever…some you think will last forever and the reality is it’s just “that season” is over, even if you truly believe it just never will be

Friends are always situational - work, school mums, neighbours etc. Friendships from childhood/early adulthood tend to last I thiknk because they were during formative years so more bonded together.

I dont think it makes mum firendships less, just that they are there for that period of your life. I have 3 older teens now so 3 classes of other mums. Over the years been more friendly, done nights out etc etc but now I would say only a couple who have become 'proper' lasting friends.

I also think social media has made it easier to 'stay in touch' and kn the know about each others lives without actually having to be in contact - talk or meet up - so the increased knowledge about each others lives has actually made us all more distant! I know someone from school has just had a baby in her mid forties despite not seeing or talking to her on the phone since we left school.

Same here. I didn't 'refuse' to make mom friends as the PP mentioned, but I haven't actively seeked it or maybe not clicked with anyone. I have polite chat with other parents at parties, the park etc, but definitely not actual friends.
Like other have said, if I did I'd prob class them similar to work friends. A lot of the time these also fizzle out when one of you moved jobs.
Obviously they'll be some people who make best friends with other moms or work colleagues. All situations are different.
My best friends are my school friends still!

I have very few real friends. Lots of acquaintances I made as a mum, and some of those I was close to at the time. All have faded for one reason or another. I wonder if it’s me but I think it’s just life. I have friendly acquaintances that are in my life now too but I’m sure they will fade if my life or theirs changes direction or focus

I don’t think anything is as easy as genuine/ not genuine- you can have mum friends and as you say your kids being sick they might bump into chat to other people or their kids might make friends with other friends, then life is busy anyway with family, responsibilities, work, health. You can dip in and out of friendships it doesn’t mean they were never real or genuine

I’ve still kept in touch with 4 of my mum friends, 3 are still very close

only one I made from school, the other 3 are from Homestart friendship made over 20 years ago.

weve all got ND kids

They are just often mired in the era where you're entirely lost on motherhood, often starting with the intensity of the baby stage and often you won't have a lot else in common. Not all friendships last forever but it doesn't mean they weren't real at the time.

Why would you think that means they are not real?

They are real while they last. A relationship is still 'real' if it ends before death, why wouldn't friendships be?

We make friends with people we're thrown together with, at school, work, baby groups, neighbours. Then people move on or away or circumstances change. It's a normal part of life.

What type of friends don't arise due to circumstances?

I know, right?

Ones where they appear in your life with a giant finger appearing overhead from a cloud, pointing at them and a voice booming 'THIS IS YOUR DIVINELY-APPOINTED FRIEND!'?

People always try to make it seem like friends who happen to have children of a similar age are somehow inferior to the circumstantial friendships made in school, uni or work 🤦‍♀️

I quickly went off the Mum Friends who

1. talked endlessly about getting into grammar school in reception
2. Were friends when they wanted a favour, but never reciprocated
3. Gossiped (more than normal) about others
4. Were excessively competitive over things that weren't even a competition at all.

life is too short for all that.

My favourite Mum friend got a job abroad and I still miss her.

I don’t think mum friends are any more or less likely to be real friends than any other type.

I find that at every stage of life I have a couple of people I really gel with and a wider group that I see a lot of at the time but fade away once we’re not in the same life stage.

So I still keep up with a couple of school friends, a handful of uni friends, one NCT friend, a couple of old work colleagues etc. The others from those eras I don’t really see. I see a lot of mum friends currently as my kids are that age, but I’d only expect a handful of those to last long term.

That’s ok. It doesn’t mean “mum friends” are particularly crap.

Exactly. I have friends because of the 'circumstance' of sitting together in primary school, or being in the same French conversation module at university, or who moved into the same squat, or worked in the same workplace, or who I got talking to in an art gallery. I don't have lasting friends from when DS was a baby from baby groups etc because I moved away from London to somewhere fairly insular, but I still see regularly a group of friends I know because our sons were friends at primary school.

I don't think it's fair to say they are not genuine friendships. "Besties" and "friends forever" is a pretty immature concept, in real adult life, stuff gets in the way, no matter how much you may want to be friends with someone.

I have a chronic illness and only have so much energy for socialising. I have made many friends along the way, some I've kept, some I've lost. Sometimes because they want the sort of friendship that we would have had as free and single teenagers. Sadly I cannot manage that anymore. Other stuff has priority - my health, my family, children, jobs, elderly parents, etc. There's only so much I can juggle.

I still have friends from school days and university. They are the sort of friendships where we don't see each other for a year or more, then run squealing into each others arms and carry on like we've never been apart. Are they not "genuine" friendships because we live hundreds of miles apart and have completely separate lives and hardly see each other? It certainly feels genuine when we do get together, more so, they feel more like family than social relationships.

I also have several mum friends who I have drifted from over the last year or so. Our kids are at different schools, do different hobbies, some are juggling multiple children, neurodiversities, physical and mental illnesses, careers, divorces, new relationships etc. I don't consider any of those friendships "over" just because I haven't seen them for a (long) while, because we are all adults and life happens.

We may yet run squealing towards each other when our busy lives allow it 😊

Does this mean you don’t have time for any friends? Or is it just ‘mum friends’ you have an issue with.

@Wherethehellismyhusbandsongstuckinmyhead ive had mom friends when the kids were younger. They are 16 now so I’ve been friends with some for 12 years plus. I don’t see a lot of them as regular friends. But I have made two really good friends to this day. Even though our kids aren’t friends these days we still are 🙏

People also mistake "situationships" that happen to last a long time/forever for good relationships.

Tbh, I am in a situationship with my mum. A different mum would be nicer but the situation is that she's already my mum, and I don't think anyone is adopting a 37yo. Some days I feel the same applies to my husband!

I think people who put flight definitions on these things seem to struggle socially tbh.

When my kids went school I stood in a group and one mum tried to make me look like I did something wrong and I stood my ground in front of the whole group and called her out on it !
Following afternoon I stood on my own because no way did I wanna be part of a bitchy mum group that afternoon and the rest of the week 3 other mums joined me my oldest is now 26 and to this day us 4 woman are still great friends because we are like minded and their very genuine people who wanted good friends not just for convenience it's unusual but I'm happy I have them x

Yes it’s very common it seems and it’s reassuring to read all the replies! With three kids I’ve had several different groups of friends but now the kids are all late teens, I only see a few of them individually now, not groups. I am pretty rubbish at making an effort though and have no patience for cliquey crap now. It’s sad but normal I think.

I would consider them genuine friendships.
Friendships come & go. Some are deeper than others.
Shorter friendships have served their purpose.
Longer friendships endure for various reasons.

I think you’re being a bit too harsh here. Friendships like all relationships evolve over time. Sometimes these things fade, without any argument, fuss or drama but that doesn’t make them any less real or meaningful at the time.